Babble: I want to WANT to socialize

[SadRaver]

After spending all week hiding away in my apartment, feeling too sad or weak to socialize, yesterday I finally felt strong enough to be social. I had some friends over and cooked Mexican food, and I think I acted naturally enough. I had a great night, and I'm happy with myself for having a positive social experience.

Tonight is the hard part. There is a rave, and I've said I'd go - I'm even giving a ride to some people that were here last night. My boyfriend will not be there (he's at work), and I'm already having itches to just flake out. The thought of being around all of those people who I don't really know that well and who I don't have the courage to approach (what would I say?), well that thought depresses me. I've gone to raves before and had a bad bipolar flare-up, by which I mean I suddenly got into a horrible mood and didn't want anyone near me. So I just sat in a corner waiting for it to be over. Miss Antisocial. What if that happens again?

There are beautiful people all around me at raves but I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want them to see how quickly I run out of things to say. Most of the time I just don't want to be there. I go because my boyfriend likes to go, and I have some wild hope that I may have a good night. I rarely do.

I just feel very sad and quiet right now, and I want to stay in with my rats and my movies, and just eat comfort food. How pathetic. What's wrong with me? Why can't I WANT to go out and have fun like everyone else? Why can't I be excited for tonight instead of dreading it?

I just want to stay home with my pet rats and my movies, where it's safe and no one can judge me.

 

[MikeyC]

Going to raves is about as social as it gets, which is made even worse for you because your boyfriend will be absent.

If you don't really know the people you're going to be there with, that's not a good thing. However, if it's a group, you don't have to do a lot of talking, and you can stand there and laugh along or whatever. It's not much but it's something you can avoid.

You're dreading going before you've even got in the car, so you're setting it up to be terrible. I hope it's not the case and you can enjoy yourself somewhat.

 

[muxmux]

I say u should go, since u posted this yesterday i'd like to know if u went or not. And about the ''no subject to talk'' i mean, most people have that problem when meeting a new person. Get in your head, that most people 99%(there is always a exception) are selfish.. even you, and me. See how you are always thinking about yourself, or how you gonna look like on the eyes of others? Well guess what, other people think the same, but about themselves..they're too focused on themselves.. there is no need to get all worried out about how you gonna look, cause most people are insucure too, and they might even be more afraid than you.. remenber, people are selfish, they all care about themselves to keep watching you, like you do with yourself. Get that on your mind and be yourself and have a good time ;]

And if someone is being rude to you, its not your problem or fault, or they think you're stupid, if you've been a nice person its not your fault, its their faults.. they problably are stressed our or something, and are being rude to anyone. Since u made your part, being polite, why would they be rude to you? Don't let that get you down.

I hope that helps, sorry for bad english, not a nativa language

 

[Bustn Justin]

Well I have a rave at home where it's only me dancing in my pajamas.

 

[Srijita52]

If socializing is something you don't enjoy plus if you've some sort of anxiety its natural for you not wanting to go. But if its something you want to do anyway then I'd say go for it. It might be awkward at first but maybe you can manage to talk to some people here and there or try to mix with a group. It'll be a little hard in the begining though. Don't be too hard on yourself atleast you went and that means a lot.

 

[Shyangel]

I agree with Srijita and everyone.

I think you should go if it's something you like to do. Raves are great opportunities for fun and making friends for anyone. If it doesn't go great, at least you did something other then sit alone. You gave yourself a chance at good times and meeting people. You don't have that chance when at home.

 

[Gaucho]

I'm somehow the same as you, but after so much rejection my brain only knows rejection so I'm scared of trying new things. i need to go to therapy because SA is killing my slowly but continuously.

 

[SadRaver]

I want to respond to everyone because you all had such great things to say. Wait for itttt......

 

[SadRaver]

However, if it's a group, you don't have to do a lot of talking, and you can stand there and laugh along or whatever. It's not much but it's something you can avoid.

You're dreading going before you've even got in the car, so you're setting it up to be terrible. I hope it's not the case and you can enjoy yourself somewhat.

Yes, I did enjoy myself, after about an hour. Although I have a confession: the only reason I was able to relax at that point was because I took a large quantity of prescription meds (xanax). Xanax is used for anxiety disorder, but last night I used it to get intoxicated. I wanted to completely relax and enjoy the sights and sounds without my neverending self-doubt and anxiety crowding my perception.

I say u should go, since u posted this yesterday i'd like to know if u went or not.

Yes I went

And about the ''no subject to talk'' i mean, most people have that problem when meeting a new person.

I agree with you, not everyone knows what to say. But especially at raves I observe people just walking up to others and starting a conversation, and making the other person laugh. It is like they are instant friends. I am amazed by this and feel that I would have to go to school for YEARS to master this.

Well I have a rave at home where it's only me dancing in my pajamas.

YES! I used to do this all the time before I met my boyfriend and he brought me out to our local raves. I remember my dogs sitting there looking at me like I'm crazy while I dance and shuffle and do the robot all over my living room.

If socializing is something you don't enjoy plus if you've some sort of anxiety its natural for you not wanting to go. But if its something you want to do anyway then I'd say go for it. It might be awkward at first but maybe you can manage to talk to some people here and there or try to mix with a group. It'll be a little hard in the begining though. Don't be too hard on yourself atleast you went and that means a lot.

Thank you. It does mean a lot that I at least showed up. Before I got too messed up on the pills I was actually able to talk to one or two people about music. And then when we were dancing I remember them smiling at me and trying to engage me in a little "two-step" if you will.

I agree with Srijita and everyone.

I think you should go if it's something you like to do. Raves are great opportunities for fun and making friends for anyone. If it doesn't go great, at least you did something other then sit alone. You gave yourself a chance at good times and meeting people. You don't have that chance when at home.

I love the way you view raves. Raves are celebrations of life, but my maniacal brain reduces it to a scary procession of people who are going to ostracize me. I need to see things the way you do.

I'm somehow the same as you, but after so much rejection my brain only knows rejection so I'm scared of trying new things. i need to go to therapy because SA is killing my slowly but continuously.

SA can seem like it will kill you. So much of the world operates on social interactions and the ability to persuade and charm other people. But not all of us are gifted in that respect. If we're not social creatures then we can feel like there's no way we can survive in today's society or the economy. It is a fight for us, and we have to FIGHT through the awkwardness and the urge to shy away from everything. Fight means doing something we are afraid to do, to benefit ourselves in the end. It is not easy, but we have support of others like us to provide some comfort. You have comforted me just by sharing your story

 

[Srijita52]

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself

 

[MikeyC]

I'm glad you went. Despite the Xanax abuse, it sounded like a good time.

 

[mart22n]

Hi SadRaver,

What if you printed out your original post and showed it/read it out to anyone whom you don't know what to say? You definitely have something to say here in the forum, why not tell someone the same thing in "normal" life? What have you got to lose?

Cheers!

 

[SadRaver]

Hi SadRaver,

What if you printed out your original post and showed it/read it out to anyone whom you don't know what to say? You definitely have something to say here in the forum, why not tell someone the same thing in "normal" life? What have you got to lose?

Cheers!

Great advice. I shall see if I have the cajones to do that one day >.<
It's hard because I am embarrassed of my... "condition" or whatever you want to call it.