AvPD. What to do?

[zeniff]

Hi guys;

I recently discovered that there is a pretty nice research about this thing called Avoidant Personality Desorder, I was so relieved to know about it. I'm 30, male, and I've spent almost my all life "alone with myself".

Now I'm reading about that to realize some ways to overcome it.

Here's the thing:
I kind of lack interest in "normal" stuff "normal people" do. So in consequence my social circle is very little. BUT I do really want to enjoy fullfilling relationships. You know, frustrating.

People who know me well love me, and consider me a incredibly good person; I love 'em too, and have nice feelings for humankind in general (and animals too).

The key problem is LACK OF INTEREST in relate other. It drains me mentally to spent time in common activities, but at the same time I feel alone, and kind of envy and angry about others supposely having a nice time relating each others.

At least now I know there's a "label" for it, and I pretend to work really hard to get better. Thanks for reading and your support.

Zeniff.

 

[YellowBird]

i feel you,i was talking about this to my shrink today(and a hundred of other times)and he keeps saying those are excuses,because i don't have a problem talking with people younger or older than me,regardless of our interest or the possibility that they may mock me for being different,i get what he's saying,but it's really hard to convince yourself that everything is alright and it's just you projecting your worries.

 

[zeniff]

Hey, how nice you say that, because I forgot to add another interesting (for me) fact to the point:

I'm not really shy. I used to be. Nor I have a remarkable fear to criticism. I'm able to express myself in many level, and consider myself an smart and skilled person.

I do lack some social skills due to a long time of reticence, but when I feel confident a social (a little drunk, for example) I'm perfectly livable. Of course, one does not want to depend on alcohol or drugs to overcome a problem.

That's why I say that the key point is the lack of interest.

 

[Aletheia]

Heya zeniff, and welcome to SPW.

I'm intrigued by the lack of interest, and this comes up regularly here. Is the inability to engage due to something you're avoiding, something about people your age that you're afraid of?

I know that I find it very difficult to concentrate on anything that I feel fear about, even when I've no idea what that fear is about, or even that the fear is there at all. Unless I force myself to look at it closely, it just feels like absent mindedness.

 

[zeniff]

Is the inability to engage due to something you're avoiding, something about people your age that you're afraid of?

Well no. I'm not (conciously) afraid of nothing, and this lack of interest keeps not relation with the age (i lack it with anybody).

For example: I think that socializing is a key strategy in the company for, say, aspire to a promotion. So, if there's a group of employees speaking 'bout sports (including the boss) it'll be a good idea to join. But then, i feel like I don't like sports (change sports for girls, or food, or places) or that's not so important and blah... I just feel like it's a total lost of time. I mostly like videogames, music, piano, reading classics or selfhelp / motivation books, movies, chess, water, etc. (hey, and girls!).

 

[bsammy]

i have many of the same issues as you.it doesnt matter who i talk to for any length of time, i become drained and quite bored.this is due to introversion and probably has some ties to anxiety..95% of the time i see no reason to socialize UNLESS there is an important topic to talk about..i absolutely cannot stand everyday chit chat but like OP said, in order to get higher up in the job and relationship world, socializing is a must.navigating thru all that mindless chit chat is a necessity..so, how does one do that if you are introverted with anxiety issues?i dont know.forcing it just doesnt work.

im same way as OP, i can see a party full of people laughing and think to myself 'why am i sitting watching a movie by myself?'..yet when i go to social gatherings it isnt even close to as fun as i saw these other folks having even when im intoxicated or on my drug of choice.so the anxiety isnt the issue, maybe we simply are not cut out for social gatherings?people i work with i get along with fine and they often ask me to go out to eat with them but i can see no reason in the world to do this..it would be more work than fun.

 

[zeniff]

Hey guys, here is another thing i find annoying and would like see ideas to manage it:

Much of the conversation in my workplace is about coworkers PRETENDING to have kind of an ultimate knowledge of any matter ("the best mobile is Blackberry", "the bigger millionaire is Mr. Whoever"); I mean, things that are hard to determine or relative.

So I find myself between several choices: to pretend I know "the answer" (and furthermore justify it) or suggest that we would need to make a major research (too nerdy, plus i'd have to say it so commonly) or shut up; guess what I do most of the time...

What do you opine?

 

[zeniff]

i have many of the same issues as you.it doesnt matter who i talk to for any length of time, i become drained and quite bored.this is due to introversion and probably has some ties to anxiety..95% of the time i see no reason to socialize UNLESS there is an important topic to talk about..i absolutely cannot stand everyday chit chat but like OP said, in order to get higher up in the job and relationship world, socializing is a must.navigating thru all that mindless chit chat is a necessity..so, how does one do that if you are introverted with anxiety issues?i dont know.forcing it just doesnt work.

im same way as OP, i can see a party full of people laughing and think to myself 'why am i sitting watching a movie by myself?'..yet when i go to social gatherings it isnt even close to as fun as i saw these other folks having even when im intoxicated or on my drug of choice.so the anxiety isnt the issue, maybe we simply are not cut out for social gatherings?people i work with i get along with fine and they often ask me to go out to eat with them but i can see no reason in the world to do this..it would be more work than fun.

I think you're right; it doesn't seem to be too relate to anxiety. I do really want to get an explanation for the lack of interest.

 

[MNM322]

I am pretty sure this amazing man I thought I was friends with has this. When I openly referred to him as my friend, he got upset with me and we haven't really spoke since. He also used our age gap as an excuse so it could be something else entirely but my question is....

do people with this.....ever get people another chance? How does someone like me "win" someone like you over? I am loyal, and patient.I just wanna know if its hopeless to try and mend it. I really miss talking to him and think he found it very nice to have someone to "Rant" to about life.... but who knows? So confused

 

[jaim38]

Hi MNM, I have read many posts of yours about the same neighbor guy. Are you falling head over heels for this guy? If so, have you ever considered whether he has feelings for you? If he does, good! But if he doesn't, you can try to win him over, but if that doesn't work, it wouldn't be worth your time to continue to pine over him.

 

[MNM322]

No... I dont know if he does/doesn't. All I want is to be "friendly" neighbors again like we were. He tried talked to me again a week ago so he is making an effort. I am just so tired of the akward feelings I have anytime I see him or walk by his house. I want us to just be on good terms.
I am not stupid enough to "chase" after anyone, him or anyone else... I know I am one of those destined to be alone and it is what it is. I just am tired of the sadness and wanting to cry because I can't "Escape" it since I literally see his house daily and him alot

 

[spider04]

I already know about this 'LACK OF INTEREST' thing. I was talking earlier to someone about cruise ship because that person just came back from one, and some years ago I went too, so I had a lot to say and talk. When the conversation changes, for example the person starts talking about something that happened earlier to this person, then I don't know what to say or lose interest unless it's something that happened to me too.

 

[Lowlight]

This story might relate to you and your position.

It was my second semester in community college. Going in that day I didn’t have or really want friends. I just assumed that I would go to class and be on my own.

It turned out that at lunch I was greeted by someone who went to my high school. We had only had a casual acquaintanceship, so I was surprised that he approached me. He insisted that I sit with a group of his friends in the cafeteria. After sitting down I was introduced to 5 or 6 people who knew each other really well. I said, “Hello”, to everyone and mostly just watched and listened to the group dynamic. I was thinking that I would never sit with these people again, so I didn’t really try to be overly interested in anyone. After a bit we all went to our respective classes, with me thinking this was a one-time deal.

The next few days I went out of the way to be by myself by sitting outside or in an out of the way hall. I quickly became bored sitting alone and thought that I could pass the time by just watching this small group of people. I sat with them again, and tried to inject myself into the conversation. They were interested in topics I didn’t have a real grasp on like popular music, video games, and anime. Though I had no direct info on the topics I was open to the discussion.

It was after one of these discussions that I said something to one of the guys; we’ll call him Jay, which attracted his interest. I had set out to watch an episode of one of his beloved animes on the internet. He mentioned the show to me in passing when I said that it was “very well done”. It was at this point that he sat back down and started to talk to me one on one.

He started telling me about a game/story he was working on. I again wasn’t interested in the subject of fantasy games, but I was willing to sit and listen to pass the time. We sat for 45 minutes while Jay told me the ins and outs of the world he had created in fiction. He spoke so long that he began to lose his voice; that’s how excited he was.

Here’s the interesting part. After that day Jay began to open up to me whenever we were sitting one on one. He told me things that were of deep personal interest to him. I found these discussions much more interesting and important than the initial one that sparked it. I had gained his trust by showing I could be a good listener and nonjudgmental. I soon found that I was opening myself up to him while genuinely enjoying our time together.

The point of this story is to show that it can pay off to just listen to people when they bring up subjects you’re not interested in. If you show interest in the life of another, no matter the subject, you could be opening the door to something much deeper.

 

[laure15]

We sat for 45 minutes while Jay told me the ins and outs of the world he had created in fiction. He spoke so long that he began to lose his voice; that’s how excited he was.

Wow, you must be a very very patient listener. If someone spoke to me for that long, I would get bored and try to get away. I once had a "conversation" with a guy which lasted for almost an hour. Most of the time, he spoke while I listened for 98% of the time. It was boring and I got very restless, but I forced myself to keep listening just to be polite. When the convo was over, I was so glad!

 

[Gaucho]

hi, avpd is killing me. I'm really scared of how i will end.

 

[Billy-Bongo]

Hi guys;

I recently discovered that there is a pretty nice research about this thing called Avoidant Personality Desorder, I was so relieved to know about it. I'm 30, male, and I've spent almost my all life "alone with myself".

Now I'm reading about that to realize some ways to overcome it.

Here's the thing:
I kind of lack interest in "normal" stuff "normal people" do. So in consequence my social circle is very little. BUT I do really want to enjoy fullfilling relationships. You know, frustrating.

People who know me well love me, and consider me a incredibly good person; I love 'em too, and have nice feelings for humankind in general (and animals too).

The key problem is LACK OF INTEREST in relate other. It drains me mentally to spent time in common activities, but at the same time I feel alone, and kind of envy and angry about others supposely having a nice time relating each others.

At least now I know there's a "label" for it, and I pretend to work really hard to get better. Thanks for reading and your support.

Zeniff.

What do you have interest in?