AvPD viewed from out

April72

Well-known member
#1
Don't missunderstand me, I'm on the same boat as you. That is, the Titanic.

Anyway, I'd like to know if you ever wonder what suppoused for other people to be in relations with an avoidant.

Let's see I want you to go out for a while from you and put in your loved people's shoes.
How do you think they feel? How do you think they feel having to deal with an avoidant that basically is scared of living.

I'm touching this topic for two reasons:
On one hand, I feel like I infected my partner with some kind of sadness. He was a very optimist guy who trust people. Now, he only trusts me.
The second reason is that I'm trying to help a guy who is avoidant and I only feel rejection.
 
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Aylaa

Well-known member
#2
Sorry, I can't really answer your question since there's not really a lot of people I'm close to, so no one to wonder about how it feels for them ;)

But I was curious, as an avoidant yourself, how do you deal with that rejection? I tried to help/befriend this guy for a while, I don't think he had AVP but there were issues and just like you, I only got rejection. It was a constant struggle, I was always pushing my own boundaries and every rejection broke me a little. And after the ultimate rejection my avp took over again and the self hate came back. (I felt I had at least a bit of a grip on it before)

As for your partner..... are there any other things that might have affected him? I'm sure it can't be easy being with someone who's "scared of living" as you put it but for an optimistic, trusting person to change that much, I would think there has to be more.
 

April72

Well-known member
#3
Thank you, Ayala!

How do I deal with my avoidant friend. It can be in another way that giving him the confidence that if he need my help, I'm here. If not. I'm also here for others things. I don't push him in any sense.

As for my partner, you're right. There are other points that can be affecting our relationship, even when they are a bit related with me being an avoidant.

Thank you for your interest!
 

nicole1

Well-known member
#4
I think a lot of them feel...disappointed sometimes because I don't want to go any where with them or need advanced notice and things like that.
I don't think that I live up to their expectations. I cancel a lot, I make up excuses, I drop out of the picture. Part of this has to do with my introversion and I think is worsened by my social anxiety. Why deal with it when I don't want to?
I do feel bad about it sometimes, but others, I just rather be alone.
 

April72

Well-known member
#5
Me too. I'm still wondering whether going or not to the co-workers Christmas lunch. I'm so get used to avoid things, being there, in my comfortable zone...
Anyway, Nicole, there is a middle point, like in all, which is the moré healthy.

I met my partner when he was enough experiences in life, so he now give moré importance to other things. He's get used to me. We've been together for 11 years now and I think I will live with him forever. He only need a little of attention from my part. I think that's the reason why he is a little sad.
 

bsammy

Well-known member
#6
well this is a big reason why i dont try to get involved in serious relationships..i have tried in the past and my Avpd mixed with my extreme introversion basically made it a strained process from the start..they tried, i tried but in the end it wasnt worth the trouble for either party, me or them..should i have to force myself to go with them when most of the time id rather not?should they have to deal with their invitations being rejected again and again?the answer is obvious..this goes for friendships and serious relationships..

ive managed to maintain ties with 2-3 friends from my past but thats it and this is mostly due to them calling me and keeping in contact with me....they are casual friendships..serious relationships, i dont think im capable of them..

from an outsiders view, it must be terribly frustrating and sad to have to deal with someone that is avpd..
 

Aylaa

Well-known member
#7
I think a lot of them feel...disappointed sometimes because I don't want to go any where with them or need advanced notice and things like that.
I don't think that I live up to their expectations. I cancel a lot, I make up excuses, I drop out of the picture. Part of this has to do with my introversion and I think is worsened by my social anxiety. Why deal with it when I don't want to?
I do feel bad about it sometimes, but others, I just rather be alone.
But are those fair expectations?
 

bsammy

Well-known member
#8
But are those fair expectations?
no they are not fair expectations..avpd is a very serious disorder and for a normal person to expect us to want to do all of the things they want us to do when they want us to do them is very unfair..
 

nicole1

Well-known member
#9
But are those fair expectations?
People voiced their disappointment in my actions of avoidance. I think it's fair. I'd be upset if I got stood up or avoided. I understand them... I use to be very mad at myself for my actions. Now, I just do things differently and some friends comply. Like planning ahead and explaining why I am how I am. If they are good friends, they do understand. I don't have but a handful but the best remained in my life in one way or another.
 

Luckylife

Well-known member
#10
no they are not fair expectations..avpd is a very serious disorder and for a normal person to expect us to want to do all of the things they want us to do when they want us to do them is very unfair..
I agree, AvPD is a serious disorder but it also builds a strong personality, in so much as, routines are built that the affected person will not allow to be broken. So I can well believe that in a singular AvPD relationship one personality will win thru.
Regarding planning ahead and explaining why I am how I am, I can relate to this so much. Although I don't so much plan ahead, I do certain stuff - go for a run Tues and Thurs - shopping on Sat - neither eat nor drink to excess - that I wont divert for anyone (not much I think). If anyone wants that to change then first they've got to get with it to tell me why.
Regarding clear and plain conversation, I donated Blood the other week and although I thought my speech was polite and understanding of a grave situation, the head nurse picked up on it straight away. She had to leave the site because of a phone call but promptly and painstakingly, explained why she had to leave to the duty nurse. Really face to face you know.
Some people are on our side.
 
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