At the end of my rope and it's on fire...

[Ashonym]

...I don't feel good about doing this, because I don't feel like I should dump myself onto people I don't know, even on the internet. But I have not the will to stop the urge because I have literally NOWHERE and NO ONE else to turn to...

I'm beyond rock bottom and yet I'm not suicidal. I never could be for two reasons: I fear death, and I have a three year old daughter.

For that matter, I'm 22 and have had three jobs, all last year, each lasting one month only. I couldn't even keep my McDonald's job. I've never had a license and I've never even studied for getting one. I dropped out of highschool at 16 after failing 9th grade once due to giving up and only recently got my GED. I live with my ex who is my daughter's father and who is so angry at me sometimes that he acts it out. He doesn't want me here and it makes his life hell. I hurt him a lot and he hurt me a lot when we were together. I cheated on him and hate myself for that complicated, messed up situation. I hate myself in general, actually. I fully deserve and take my hatred for my mistake.

I haven't had a single true friend in real life since 5th grade.

I don't even have any acquaintances here.

My family is in Florida, are all old, have always been dysfunctional, and will never be of any help. I'm here, alone, no job, no license, no money, no future, no schooling, and this house belongs to his (my ex's) mom, who is at HER wits end and saying she will lose this house eventually now (like by christmas).

I'm constantly told my parenting is wrong. I feel like every little thing I do is wrong. I'm wrong. My life is wrong. Everything's completely and utterly WRONG. I was just told this morning (by my ex) that two people left for coffee "because of me." That one said "This is why I hide in my room all day." followed by "Yeah, let's go." or whatever. Things like this keep happening on a daily basis. This happened while I was dressing my daughter.

My dad died when I was four months old. Got struck by lightning...

I can't bring myself to move. I feel like everyone here thinks I'm crazy and should just "get over it." It seems they feel like I should ignore emotions and feelings completely and just do stuff. It's impossible for me.

I can't work, I can't drive, I can't meet people, I live in OUTGOINGSOUTDOORSVILLE county where I relate to no one and everyone's a hippy and believes in pretty much the opposite as I do where I come from, I can't move because I have a daughter, I couldn't STAND to be away from her, I feel an impending change in everything and can't stop it, I can't think straight (as you can see my thoughts are out of order), I can't pick myself up, yet I can't and don't want to die....

...


What is left? I am nothing. I am a zombie. I need a shoulder. I need help. I have no one and nothing. I am decaying alive.

For discussion, what do you do when you're in the worst of worst places?


...


Thanks for listening. If you have. Hope you're having a better day/life overall than me. :\ <3

 

[Nanita]

Hi Ashonym, I´m moved when I read your words -- I wish I could do something to help, I wish I could recommend a way to go now. You´re welcome to write to me anytime u want.
I don´t know what I do to get better, when i feel really desperate, I just cry I guess, I sit on the floor and cry. And then usually my mood changes later or the next day.

 

[Ashonym]

Thank you for your sentiments... I wish I could say that by posting this someone -could- give me an answer. But I don't even feel there is an answer. I'm in a hole I've dug for myself partly and life has dug for me otherwise. Thanks for listening, and offering moral support. That, albeit little, helps. To know someone might have a vague grasp on my thoughts.

Crying. That helps sometimes. It's what I've done all day.

You're lucky you can get away with it. If I take an entire day off to cry I'm told I'm being a terrible mother not giving my daughter any time, and should save my crying efforts for beyond her bedtime, yet it's too hard sometimes to button up and pretend I'm happy - even for her.

But yes, crying is good. Let the emotions flow. Music helps.

...

Gorgeous photo, by the way. What a beautiful place to be.

 

[Beatrice]

I don´t know what I do to get better, when i feel really desperate, I just cry I guess, I sit on the floor and cry. And then usually my mood changes later or the next day.

Yeah same here.....

I too was moved by your words but don't know what to say to help, either I'm in a decidedly unpleasant situation myself, but nothing near to what you are going through. I am so sorry. I hate that people have to struggle like this. And when you have judgmental a-holes beating you over the head and grinding your sense of worth to a pulp..... yeah, I know how it is.

And yeah, like Nanita said, when I'm really overwhelmed and upset I just cry. There's not much else I can do :/ I've been doing that quite a bit lately, too. Cried a great deal today.

Wish I could say something more. I'm sorry

 

[Ashonym]

Well your offer is boomeranged back to you. I'm more than willing to talk when I have the chance to be online. I feel you, though.

Life after death is another topic entirely, but I'd rather believe I'd live on somewhere, hell or not, than to feel like it was a complete ending, a ceasing to exist entirely in any form. How about you.

 

[Ashonym]

Thank you, Beatrice. Regardless of what you think, it makes a huge difference just to hear you guys say that.

 

[IGotSeoul]

I can relate to your predicament in some sense. I am 20 years old, lacking an education (dropped out as well at age 16), no license, failed jobs, was in a bit of a toxic relationship, blaming myself for the disastrous, nearly satirical, outcome.

I have not had a friend in years.

My fathers side of my family are all deadbeats, drunks, incompetents. My mothers side of the family are all wealthy, highly esteemed professionals whom I dare not even speak to due to fear of them criticizing my failure.

To cope, I try to set goals. I don't let failure stop me, because stopping would be failure within itself.

I sympathize for your story, it hits close to home. The fact that you are also responsible for a child completely changes the cards on the table. I'm not sure what I would do.

I'm awful at emotional support, I apologize in advance. I hope things work out favorably for you and your child.

If you ever feel you need to vent, or even just talk, I'm willing to try and help. I can't guarantee much though.

 

[userremoved]

I too wish I could offer some kind of answer but I honestly wouldn't know what to do in that situation. You definitely have my respect for holding it together for your kid, I know a lot of people wouldn't. Have you tried writing your feelings in a journal or something? I know thats helped me some in the past when I felt overwhelmed by things. It's not the same as having actual support from peers but it's better than holding it in.

 

[Ashonym]

@IGS: Wow, that is pretty similar. I'm sorry to hear that... Thank you for your words though. Really. And you're right about having a kid changing things.

@Pips: I did try that, but I have not the free time to expend. I get about two hours a day of free time when I'm not being a terrible mother and terrible person. That time I end up spending working on forgetting....escaping....not often do I want to relive my pain inside the realm of text or lead on paper or screens.

And as for your respect, thank you, although I have not done that today. I have not held it together for the past 48 hours. And today I have spent no time with my daughter. When I did, well, I mentioned what happened...

@Nan: You're right. I am lucky to have her, right now. But I know someday that will change, and that kills me inside to know I'll end up with split custody and visitations, one night having her in my arms and the next realizing she's gone. That impending torture is added gasoline to the rope on fire.

Good to know I'm not the only person without a license. Too afraid of crashing, here. And I completely understand and sympathize with you on taking classes bein

 

[Ashonym]

being anxiety-filled. And fail at this not letting me finish my message before sending. XP

Anyways, yeah...

That's a sad story, but at least you got to visit such a place? Even live there for a while. What an experience.