I imagine the perfect life/situation/relationship/interaction
Usually when I can't sleep, there aren't really thoughts like that bothering me. Usually, the only thoughts in my head are daydreams & they're not what's keeping me awake, they're what's keeping me from getting up & giving up trying to sleep. But once in a while, like the night before last, I'll just suddenly have huge amounts of sorrow that just come out of nowhere & then I start crying & can't stop. I start thinking about how terrible & empty my own life is & about how hard my mom's life is & about her dying. All I can do is cry & cry & cry & I can never get to sleep after that.
I think about all things I've screwed up and all the people I've let down, and I wonder how I'll ever be able to redeem myself.