da_illest101
Well-known member
I have been analysing my situation for a while, thinking about about back in the days till this day trying to understand my way of thinking. I think i'm just lying to myself about not wanting a relationship
Basically I always wanted to have a relationship, but I'm scared of being rejected, being dependent, showing feelings/ emotions, being myself around someone else basically sharing myself with someone else.
So I have been shielding myself from people for years and years ( for about 12 years I think) the more you stay in your bubble/shield the less oxygen you getting. I stay in there comfortable looking at everything that is coming towards me as an attack even if it's not one. Those who pierce the first layer get stop by a second, third, forth etc. The illusion of protection
The only way for me to deal with this is with porn and masturbation. I stopped for a week and I saw how unhappy I was. I was mad all week long that I couldn't live in my fantasy world where I was getting all the love and affection I wanted, even if it's nothing more than an illusion. Fake affection seems easier to deal with then real one
The older I get( i'm 24 ) the more I seek something real. the more time is spent in illusions the stronger they need to become. The stronger they become, the more reality becoming hard to deal with.
I'm not happy about the way I live my life, yes I do like to spend most of time alone, but not all of it. I don't expect a relationship to be a miracle that will flip my life around, but it could bring more to my life.
Basically I always wanted to have a relationship, but I'm scared of being rejected, being dependent, showing feelings/ emotions, being myself around someone else basically sharing myself with someone else.
So I have been shielding myself from people for years and years ( for about 12 years I think) the more you stay in your bubble/shield the less oxygen you getting. I stay in there comfortable looking at everything that is coming towards me as an attack even if it's not one. Those who pierce the first layer get stop by a second, third, forth etc. The illusion of protection
The only way for me to deal with this is with porn and masturbation. I stopped for a week and I saw how unhappy I was. I was mad all week long that I couldn't live in my fantasy world where I was getting all the love and affection I wanted, even if it's nothing more than an illusion. Fake affection seems easier to deal with then real one
The older I get( i'm 24 ) the more I seek something real. the more time is spent in illusions the stronger they need to become. The stronger they become, the more reality becoming hard to deal with.
I'm not happy about the way I live my life, yes I do like to spend most of time alone, but not all of it. I don't expect a relationship to be a miracle that will flip my life around, but it could bring more to my life.