Are you lying to yourself?

[da_illest101]

I have been analysing my situation for a while, thinking about about back in the days till this day trying to understand my way of thinking. I think i'm just lying to myself about not wanting a relationship

Basically I always wanted to have a relationship, but I'm scared of being rejected, being dependent, showing feelings/ emotions, being myself around someone else basically sharing myself with someone else.

So I have been shielding myself from people for years and years ( for about 12 years I think) the more you stay in your bubble/shield the less oxygen you getting. I stay in there comfortable looking at everything that is coming towards me as an attack even if it's not one. Those who pierce the first layer get stop by a second, third, forth etc. The illusion of protection

The only way for me to deal with this is with porn and masturbation. I stopped for a week and I saw how unhappy I was. I was mad all week long that I couldn't live in my fantasy world where I was getting all the love and affection I wanted, even if it's nothing more than an illusion. Fake affection seems easier to deal with then real one

The older I get( i'm 24 ) the more I seek something real. the more time is spent in illusions the stronger they need to become. The stronger they become, the more reality becoming hard to deal with.

I'm not happy about the way I live my life, yes I do like to spend most of time alone, but not all of it. I don't expect a relationship to be a miracle that will flip my life around, but it could bring more to my life.

 

[Graeme1988]

I have been analysing my situation for a while, thinking about about back in the days till this day trying to understand my way of thinking. I think i'm just lying to myself about not wanting a relationship

Basically I always wanted to have a relationship, but I'm scared of being rejected, being dependent, showing feelings/ emotions, being myself around someone else basically sharing myself with someone else.

So I have been shielding myself from people for years and years ( for about 12 years I think) the more you stay in your bubble/shield the less oxygen you getting. I stay in there comfortable looking at everything that is coming towards me as an attack even if it's not one. Those who pierce the first layer get stop by a second, third, forth etc. The illusion of protection

The only way for me to deal with this is with porn and masturbation. I stopped for a week and I saw how unhappy I was. I was mad all week long that I couldn't live in my fantasy world where I was getting all the love and affection I wanted, even if it's nothing more than an illusion. Fake affection seems easier to deal with then real one

The older I get( i'm 24 ) the more I seek something real. the more time is spent in illusions the stronger they need to become. The stronger they become, the more reality becoming hard to deal with.

I'm not happy about the way I live my life, yes I do like to spend most of time alone, but not all of it. I don't expect a relationship to be a miracle that will flip my life around, but it could bring more to my life.

Depressingly, you're situation is exactly the same as mine. Although, I'm also deal with a disability, which I find difficult to deal with at times. But I've guarded myself from people as well, for just as long as you, da_illest101.

I too want a relationship, but, like you, I'm afraid for the same reasons you are. But I can especially relate to what you said about the fantasy world, fake affection being easier than real affection, and the whole porn/masturbation thing. As well as what you said about staying your comfort zone looking at everything that is coming towards me as an attack even if it's not one.

I've not got much else to say, but I think we need to break the cycles we're both currently in. I know, easier said than done.

 

[Rainbow Brite]

"post removed"

 

[this_portrait]

Lying to myself was something I did when I was younger. Now, I know what I want (a relationship with someone who actually cares about me and is supportive of me), and I've been trying to get it instead of just fantasizing about it. Fantasizing, for me, isn't enough. At one point I had the real thing (or at least thought I did), and I'm willing to go out of my way to get it again.

But the hard part is being more open and and letting down the wall of anxiety. It's kind of scary thinking about it, because I worry a lot about messing up. I can relate to not wanting to be vulnerable around someone else, but in my experience, not being myself ended up making me appear even more dependent and vulnerable.