Appearance and Confidence
I was always top of the class or grade at school. When new students started and they excelled I felt threatened. I made it my business to find out who they are,what they looked liked and how intellegent they are. Kind of check out the competition thing!
Little did I know the massive insecurity that goes with my so called intellegence. I did well, because I memorised and regurgitated material well. When it came to reasoning ability and learning new material, I found myself being very slow. I takes me a while to grasp concepts.University was my first eye opener and next job training. I could not grasp any of the new concepts let alone ask intellectual questions during lectures. I was green with envy for those who grasped things quickly and show their prowness by asking the right questions. I never allowed myself to learn at a pace that suits my capabilities. I forced things into memory at most times and it served its purpose at the time, but not anymore. I never learned what I am capable or give myself the time I need I to grasp new material. I could also never impart my knowledge to others, I did not have the confidence to assist them where they battled. How I wish I did that. It would have taught me so much about myself, that is,do you understand what you have memorise and not to talk about my confidence!
I could have made the material my own as they say.
It would have meant so much to me today. I moan I never get promoted, but I do not have the confidence to go on training and meetings and to communicate issues/material to others.
I regret today for not allowing myself to battle through material at school and learn my own capabilities, for not testing myself and build confidence. It would have been so valuable today. Instead, I sit with massive insecurity , fear of being tested and the fear of exposing my slowness in grasping things. I definitely know I am not stupid? Hope this does not sound arrogant. I just do not know myself well enough.