anyone fearfull of neighbours?

[nedkelly]

Hi everyone.
Does anyone lese have this fear? I can rarely go outside because of it.
It is making me very sad. Even when i try to expose myself too the fear, i do not get any better for it. Where i live is quite un private.
When i am outside, i feel weak, very very stressed...and feel i act weird.
I avoid being home as much as possible. It is the only time i feel comfortable. But to keep this up is exhausting. I cannot even interact with my wife/daughter, because i worry people can see or hear me. And there's no doubt they can, with the way my house street is situated.
My neighbours have the confidence too do what they want. But i feel agitated around them, and probarly look annoyed at them. It's just that i feel so uncomfortable even inside the house as well.
I can interact, and not feel threatened in public, but people who live around me, i feel intimidated by. With my wife being shy, we rarely go outside as a family, and have been seen on very few occasions, which is also embarrassing. My body language is very poor outside.
I just don't know what to do?, i'm frustrated because i may be coming across as anti social/ maybe they think i am not friendly/weird/ or a snob?
I do notice the way they look at me, and they all speak to each other but me now. Some gave me oppurtunity's to fit in at times early on when we moved here, but now they avoid me..and that hurts.
ANyone else had this particular fear?
Thanks

 

[Drew]

After reading this, it’s almost like you’re talking about me.

I’m the exact way (but getting better). I’ve always had the feeling of not belonging to the neighborhood community no matter where I lived.

I found that people would form opinions quickly and would either include or exclude me from their little “click”. Having SA always gave the wrong impression, and they always made up their minds to exclude me quickly – at least that’s how it felt.

As an “outsider,” I always felt as though they were watching me and judging every move I made.

Now I realize that they never talked to me because I probably gave off a “leave me alone” vibe. Because of my SA, I was hard to talk to, so they chose the easier route and talked to another, non SA, neighbor.

I don’t think there was a conspiracy to exclude me - that was just my SA kicking in.

 

[nedkelly]

Drew wrote- Now I realize that they never talked to me because I probably gave off a “leave me alone” vibe. Because of my SA, I was hard to talk to, so they chose the easier route and talked to another, non SA, neighbor. quote]

This really makes sense, and what i always believed, but still can't change it unfortunately. I know i give off bad vibes, so why would they talk to me. I wonder if i could change my ways, they would start wanting to talk. It's not just that though, i'd love to feel comfortable in my surroundings...even when i am not speaking to them. Just want to go outside!
Do you have any tips mate?
Hope you continue too improve mate. :wink:

 

[Gloomy]

I used to think the same way. Then my fears were proven true.
As evident in this post:
http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/postlite6440-.html

 

[Shewolf]

Well i live right across the street from my only neighbor in the country and he's my age. What made it worse it that i went to same school he was in for a couple months so i imagined he figured out i was really shy. But yah, i'm like sort of afraid of going outside my house for "fear" he'd see me and that sort of thing. It would be pretty much the same thing if i had more neighbors though.

 

[2QuietForThem]

I lived in my home for 6 years and I don't know my neighbors on my street. They're not a problem; I just can't find the strength to start a conversation. I peek out of my window to see who's outside so I don't feel "threatened". The only time I'm at peace outside is when I'm washing my truck. I really do want a regular neighborhood friendship, but it's not going to happen.

 

[Snowcrash]

This whole thread is SO me.

I don't even know what more to add.

But I have to go for the moment, it is almost dark so the neighbors all went inside, but I think there is just enough light for me to go plant some tomato plants.... yeah, I am the FREAK in your neighborhood who gardens at night.

 

[nedkelly]

Gee, i'm really suprised how many have this fear, i was expecting no replies. I'm touched that you guys have shared your similiar experience's with me..it has helped me not feel alone. But i feel for yah's heaps.
I'm not sure how to quote , but a couple of the things you guys said, are exactly what i do.
I also have to look outside many times during the day, to see if there is anyone around. If there is, i feel very afraid. But when know one is around i feel relief.
I also, thend to come out at night more, as people naturally can't see me as easily. But this still makes me think, are people thinking i am very weird.....as he only comes out at night so to speak.
Yes, it's hard when you can't even relax in your own home.
Good luck to everyone

 

[Septor]

When I first moved into the place I live 5 years ago I terrified of going out.Not only did I have to deal with my sa and panic attack but this is pretty much public housing.Lot of my neighbours are gangster , drug users and drug dealers.The type of people that would start something with you because they thought you looked at them the wrong way.At one point the police was out here every other day for some reason.Even shooting and stabbing.So it didn't help my sa any with all the stuff that was happening out side and because I was terrified of going out I isolated my self even more.Now i'm just more numb to every thing that happen around here.Nothing surprises me and because I have lived here so long every one knows me as that guy that talk to no one and minds his own business (which is not a bad thing all the time) so everyone leave me alone.

That being said I feel for you guys.That you have to deal with your neighbours and neighbours are always nosy.I would have the same problem that you all are having.

 

[nedkelly]

That must be hard to deal with Septor. Do you have much of a chance too move to somewhere new? Though i guess we'd still have this problem wherever we lived. But i feel for you, having people like that to live with/near.
Take care mate :wink:

 

[Richey]

Well i feel that still living with my folks is like living in a prison and it increases my anxiety and i feel trapped, i believe that moving out would help my anxiety because i would be free of the tedious nagging and pointless patronising that im exposed to every night, even with the increased pressure of having to pay the bills and maintaining the house in working order. I look forward to moving out just for that freedom of actively making my own decisions without being stepped on by parents who "Apparently know Best"
Maybe that will help you feel better although it depends on what kind of relationship you have with your folks, mine isnt to rosy at the moment.


Just walk outside with an imaginary sensus that everyone has something in common, and that you dont necessarally have to be involved with the entire neighbourhood. If you are approached by a neighbour just say hi! and if they respond with a hi! then you can extend the conversation or just leave it at hi! Dont feel that you have to befriend the entire neighbourhood, just show yourself every now and then for your own well being because its clearly having an affect on you otherwise you wouldnt have started this thread. I can relate to you particularly because i live in a very rich neighbourhood in Australia and everyone is so community minded that i prefer to keep to myself although i make a shout out to people if they pass by only if i feel like it. My street hold annual meetings how funny is that, its such a book club mentality and i just put my foot down, most people dont want to go to these neighbourhood meetings and they turn up anyway, whats the point in that? At least my actions are honest.

I went to a friends party once and the entire street was there at this party and they were such a welcoming bunch of people i remember thinking i need to move here because everyone is so easy-going and it changed my perception on people in general, it was like how easy must this be to live in a street where people knock on your door with a bottle of wine and drag you out to a gathering or a party where they play music that i like and everyone has a story or a joke. I haven't been to my friends street in ages but its like a completely different world to my street because where i live everyone is so ego-driven and judgemental particularly the (meetings) that go on, its like the gossip hour and it shits me So i stay away, so nedkelly every street is different and dont feel that people are avoiding you for any other reason other than the fact that they dont know you yet. Your feeling overly-paranoid and they probably arn't even thinking about what your up to and are just going about their own business only they dont have the anxiety as intensely as yourself

Nedkelly we need to move to that street i was talking about, i swear its the most welcoming and down to earth place on earth

 

[nedkelly]

That sounds great Richey. It's funny though, i made the effort to go to our streets christmas party when we first moved in. In went okay, but i haven't been able to gain confidence at all from that. That event has long gone...and something i worked on very hard too get too. But i need to be myslef outside, day in day out, or just be seen, but i cannot seem to do it. Unfortunately that's the way my mind works. I'm scared someone won't like me, and if they do..i seem to do everything to jepordise that!
What i fear, i seem to make come true.
Even though we went to the party, with my wife, it was exhausting to try to relax. I can never reach that level. And thus i have been rarely seen in the last 6 months, because every effort is like a nightmare..and i do change my personality, which really hurts.
I'm really concerned it is getting worse everyday. Well' i know it is.
I know that people are probarly not even thinking about me half the time.
But i know people have opinions about other people..so this puts pressure on me too be liked. Probarly the hardest of all, is people not liking you, because of how they see your personality, when the personality you are showing them, is not the real you.
If people didn't like me, if i was being myself, it wouldn't matter as much, as i would be being true to myself. And just as bad, is when you can be yourself in certain situations, and you are liked! Why can't i do that where i live! :x Only i can rectify that, i know.
Excuse me for the excessive sad story.

 

[corrinaelizabeth]

i hate going out in my garden or even walking to get to the car coz its infront of all the neighbours houses,i hate going into the garden as its so overlooked and i hate the thought of them being able to see me through there windows and thinking i look weird or act weird etc lol,when my neighbours come in to the car park and if im out hanging up washing i run back inside!its even got 2 the stagewhere im begging mum and dad if we can move! :lol:

 

[Snowcrash]

Yes, it's hard when you can't even relax in your own home.

Interesting thing about me, IN my house I am OK. Drapes pulled and the windows shut of course. I don't want people looking in on me, and I don't want them to hear me, or my music, or what I am watching on TV.

I have lived here for 2 years, and I can't remember ever sitting out on my deck, it is wildly open and exposed to the whole neighborhood. I keep wanting to plant large trees all around it or something. Nice deck, totally useless to me.

I have an enclosed porch too. It has a big shaggy tree that faces the neighbors and I absolutely will not trim it. The other windows face the street, which isn't the prettiest view, but it is a big enough road that most of the cars are going too fast to ever notice me, and because of the fast cars people rarely ever walk down the street on that side of the house.



I do feel like these are the most judgemental neighbors I have ever had. Not sure why.

What I am curious about is how other peoples' families interacted with neighbors when they were kids. It has been a long time since I have lived at home, but I wonder how much of this particular anxiety might be related. I mean like when you were a kid were you allowed to talk to neighbors or not? Did your parents say positive or negative things about the people who lived around you. (ok, my parents didn't say nice things about hardly anybody, but I digress...) Were you encouraged to play with other kids in the neighborhood?

Looking back I am pretty sure my mother had SA that just seemed to get worse as she got older. This isn't a pattern I want to repeat. But back then, as years went by, we let the hedges get taller, built more fences, got thicker curtains, learned to be quiet and peek out the curtains when the doorbell rang. So I don't know, maybe some anxiety is learned behavior in my case.

But then why does anxiety manifest itself when it does? When I lived crammed into a college dorm with tons of people I don't remember having any anxiety about my "neighbors". So is there a difference between a dorm, an apartment, and a house? Or am I just getting older and crazier? :?

 

[nedkelly]

In reply to you Snowcrash.
My family actually acted fine around my neighbours, when growing up.
But in the same they were very nervous people when growing up, and my mother in particular, was very protective/sensitive. Probarly because partlyi didn't let her be any other way towards me. I have always relied on my parents too much, and am now probarly paying the consequences of that. With them i am comfortable, without i am not. It has always been this way.
It's not that i don't want independance. I just feel very afraid of life/people..now that i am not living with them. And i am 31/married/13 month old daughter
My parents would always have to explain too my neighbours that i was very shy etc. I guess because i was different, yet my parents lived there life normally..it made me feel normal. That's why, if my parents lived here..i'd be a little more comfortable with my neighbours. But yes, it was still a problem even when i lived at home. Just worse now.
Other factors are.. i moved around a great deal growing up, and this gave me no stability.
Yeh, it's amazing how you can be in one living situation and feel fine, yet fear another. I fear anywhere i live now...and wishing i could live on acerage, too have more space from neighbours. But i know this is a bandaid.
If you want to chat anytime mate, feel free, or anyone else for that matter about this topic :wink:

 

[Snowcrash]

wishing i could live on acerage, too have more space from neighbours. But i know this is a bandaid.

Exactly what I have been fantasizing about recently. Maybe live in a smaller house but to get some land around it. Still not easy around here, land sells at a premium.

Bandaid... hum, I guess you are right. But in my fantasy it sure makes day to day living more fun.

 

[nedkelly]

Gee, we sound like me in ways, Snowcrash. After reading another thread about Avoidant Personailty Disorder(a severe form of social phobia), i wonder if i have it? I do everything neccesary to avoid my fear of my neighbours..by going out so much because of it. And i do fantasie if that's the word, about living in a situation where i have no neighbours, ie- on acerage.

 

[IceLad]

I haven't been getting along with one my neighbours for years. There has been so many arguments and disputes. The trouble is that they're not rational or sensible people- they think they can do what they like. It doesn't help that I'm outnumbered by 5 to 1, so I'm the only one fighting my corner.

I have enough trouble as it is leaving the front door, so I don't really need bad neighbours when I'm trying to overcome SP!