anxious little thing .-.

[YukoNishi]

Hi all.

I noticed that there are many diaries over there and since I have started to feel more and more overwhelmed by life lately I have decided to start one too...
I used to that in italian boards of Social Phobia as italian is my mother tongue but after a lot of bad things happened on that board and since my boyfriend feel anxious when he sees I'm online on those boards I've gradually stopped posting there....i just don't feel comfortable anymore
I used to have and online best friend....actually for a couple of very long months, she was pretty much my only friend...and the same was true to her.
We had and awesome relationship, if I was feeling down, no matter how bad it was I knew she was there, I told her everything and the same she did with me. When we met (only once for money-distance reasons but it was good) and our bond felt even stronger.
Then a day she just...suddenly disappeared. Didnt say anything, didn't give any reason why....I was so worried, she was usually depressed and thought about suicide a lot so I called her many times, sent mails and yada yada...all of that went unanswered.
She then reappered in september and apologized for her behavior...she didn't mean it, she missed me, sometimes she was just like that and disappeared...I forgave her because I had missed her too, because I knew that sometimes she did that (thought I meant too much for her to do that with me though)...
I hoped that things could go back to normal, but they never did...we never regained that closeness again, though she did and still does her best...for a while it seemed too but i don't no...she has changed a bit...sometimes her answers even if i know that she means wells just feel so condescending...or cold. Even when they are good advices, it's just the way she says what she says that annoys me...
I had 2 other friends that I could confide too and I was very close to...online. I lost them too. I lost the friend that I had when I was in a psych ward except one that now lives very far..
My psychologist is on holidays with is wife.
My best real life friend (i wrote a 3d about her in another 3d) yesterday showed me the bruises from the beating her boyfriend gave her....my boyfriend loves me but he lives in another city and I know he is always depressed...is situation at home is very, very bad....it is not is fault ofcourse but this brings me down to...especially combined with the fact that he is just so crazy jealous...couldnt write on the italian boards anymore because everytime he was feeling so bad...now we've had so many bad arguments these past weeks and I think that he may have finally decided to keep his behaviors in check, but I know it still makes me anxious to think of how bad he is doing over there and that he feels so anxious over some very small things I do (like he used to feel and still feel anxious when I write on the italian boards)...
Everything seems to be going worse and worse and I feel like I've lost everytging that used to allow me to cope...
My insomnia is getting worse and worse...
Sometimes I cant sleep at all even though im just so tired....my heart is going faster and faster...I'm afraid that I may end up in the same state I was last years...when I tried to kill my self and that this time I may not get back on my feet...I'm so scared...I cant sleep
I'm feeling so paranoid over everything...I'm worrying all the time
So alone...
I feel like a sense of doom
Like there are even worse, 100 times worse things to come....
I cut myself after a long time I didn't...and I didn't care...my partner is also feeling even worse and cut because I did...
I feel so weak...and then sometimes this just feel like a bad dream and I'm alright...
I try bad to be always alright...i do not want to tell the people I used or could confinde to how bad I am feeling because I do not want to burden them .-. I feel lik they have their problems and they'll just annoyed or burdened by mine...last time I was like this my father treated me so bad...im feeling so awful ç_ç

 

[williamreinsch]

Very upsetting to hear, I hope everything goes better for you. I was quite similar to your boyfriend with my first relationship (this was a long time ago). I had cut myself off from everyone and thought this girl was the answer to all my problems. I ended up being possessive in some ways and would get upset if she made a new friend who happened to be a male. I know now that it was because I was so insecure and miserable myself.
When she left me I realized how bad it was for her and how i was so lost in my head i wasn't thinking logical.

You need to be able to get out there and meet people and right on boards if you want to. It will so much harder for you to progress if you cant you know?

I know how you feel with the depression, i've been there too and thought everything will only get worse and im such a burden on everyone. But if i gave up then i would of never of been where i am now. I still have SA but im making progress and I have found a purpose in my life now. I found a hobby which is giving me hope to continue. I have cut myself off from negative people and some I have managed to make understand and change their ways towards me.

Have you been to a therapist? That was the first step i made during my depression and the first step is often the biggest!

Hope everything goes well for you and you fight this depression and SA with everything you got!

 

[MollyBeGood]

Hii I thought you were Japanese! Good name for an Italian

Sorry you feel so sad, hun.
Just know you're not alone here and you can always drop me a line if you need advice or help. Boyfriends can often be more trouble than they are worth, I know from experience...You mention so many things that are going wrong for you-that is rough. (I am sorry if I forget to mention something you wrote in advance.)
I hope you get some help where you live you sound like you need some good guidance from someone. Is it possible for you to talk to a counselor soon? Are you taking any meds for your anxiety? You may want to try some herbal remedies for insomnia like this article suggests? It's usually better to go natural over prescription drugs. Saint John's Wart is good for depression for some people- which also sounds like you might be suffering from.

Herbs for Insomnia

Meditation might be a life saver for you to calm you and make you feel a bit happier. Maybe look into that. I have some experience in it, very little, but it does really make my life better when I do it. That and yoga.

Hope that helps you some!
Be safe and welcome here btw =)

 

[YukoNishi]

Hey....tHanks for your very kind replies mollybegood and william...yes I know that my bf jealously is an insecurity thing...
william did you change your ways with next gf? (if there was one though)...
I already have a therapist but just like the psich he is currently enojying vacation...will be back august 25. Here many stores are closed, gym are closed...it's holidays time. .-. this makes me feel worse...like more isolated because many of the people i usually hang around with or just yknow ''sees'' are gone...
Thanks molly for that article I will try to get some of these things as soon as I can...
I did try valerian but it didnt work...though my anxiety level were even worse than now... will go buy some herbal things as soon as my dad give me some money...I literally dont have any. not one euro.
I was on meds till about february 7 of this year...this morning I took a sleeping pill after months I didnt touch that stuff...I felt very disappointed with myself but i needed to sleep so bad and I was just freaking out too much.
I hope this week will be soon over...
I hope august will soon be over...
Though ... september I'll have to change school again...and it makes me so anxious...unless I decide to homeschool but i am not sure if I'm able to actually do that...usually at home i just procrastinate everything and after a while i start to eat to much...eat all the time .-. I hate being at home...but after the bullying I've endured when I was 11-12-13 at school I'm always scared it will happen again...
I feel like such a big looser...people my age are usually more independent...they are not scared of driving, taking the train by themselves, they have their shit together..
I feel like such a big loser

 

[williamreinsch]

I've only had 2 serious relationships and they were both before I realized I needed help. So I mean the second gf I had I didn't try to show my jealousy as much because I knew she would leave me (i still did not get to the route in myself of why i felt jealous which is what i should of done) because ofc I still felt it. I was exactly the same miserable person as when I was with the first. Except the second girlfriend saw my weakness and prayed on it which in the end made me end it with her.

Before a few years ago when I started therapy I was a very different person to now. I did not know what SA was. I did not know why I was so miserable all the time and I did not know how to think for myself, I just let my emotions get the best of me when I should of read into those emotions and understood why I was having them.

Now that I accept myself more I can accept others more. When you hate yourself so much and feel so disgusted and ashamed and confused and angry you can end up being like I was. The emotions just become too much and you end up being selfish without knowing and accepting (i guess you create denials to cope with your problems).

The last few years I've just been understanding myself and not letting my anxiety's get in the way. Accepting my good traits and most of all accepting the bad ones I have in order to fix them. I'm at the point where I'm happy to not be in a relationship and just happy to be in my own skin.

When you feel like you just can't cope anymore just think of your life as a wave. Everything might be horrible and dark now but if you give up you'll never get to experience the better times after.

Hope you feel better soon! and im glad to hear you are getting help and are going to therapy! You are showing already you have the power to change your life! you decided to go to therapy, that was the fight inside you talking! keep fighting!