Hi all.
I noticed that there are many diaries over there and since I have started to feel more and more overwhelmed by life lately I have decided to start one too...
I used to that in italian boards of Social Phobia as italian is my mother tongue but after a lot of bad things happened on that board and since my boyfriend feel anxious when he sees I'm online on those boards I've gradually stopped posting there....i just don't feel comfortable anymore
I used to have and online best friend....actually for a couple of very long months, she was pretty much my only friend...and the same was true to her.
We had and awesome relationship, if I was feeling down, no matter how bad it was I knew she was there, I told her everything and the same she did with me. When we met (only once for money-distance reasons but it was good) and our bond felt even stronger.
Then a day she just...suddenly disappeared. Didnt say anything, didn't give any reason why....I was so worried, she was usually depressed and thought about suicide a lot so I called her many times, sent mails and yada yada...all of that went unanswered.
She then reappered in september and apologized for her behavior...she didn't mean it, she missed me, sometimes she was just like that and disappeared...I forgave her because I had missed her too, because I knew that sometimes she did that (thought I meant too much for her to do that with me though)...
I hoped that things could go back to normal, but they never did...we never regained that closeness again, though she did and still does her best...for a while it seemed too but i don't no...she has changed a bit...sometimes her answers even if i know that she means wells just feel so condescending...or cold. Even when they are good advices, it's just the way she says what she says that annoys me...
I had 2 other friends that I could confide too and I was very close to...online. I lost them too. I lost the friend that I had when I was in a psych ward except one that now lives very far..
My psychologist is on holidays with is wife.
My best real life friend (i wrote a 3d about her in another 3d) yesterday showed me the bruises from the beating her boyfriend gave her....my boyfriend loves me but he lives in another city and I know he is always depressed...is situation at home is very, very bad....it is not is fault ofcourse but this brings me down to...especially combined with the fact that he is just so crazy jealous...couldnt write on the italian boards anymore because everytime he was feeling so bad...now we've had so many bad arguments these past weeks and I think that he may have finally decided to keep his behaviors in check, but I know it still makes me anxious to think of how bad he is doing over there and that he feels so anxious over some very small things I do (like he used to feel and still feel anxious when I write on the italian boards)...
Everything seems to be going worse and worse and I feel like I've lost everytging that used to allow me to cope...
My insomnia is getting worse and worse...
Sometimes I cant sleep at all even though im just so tired....my heart is going faster and faster...I'm afraid that I may end up in the same state I was last years...when I tried to kill my self and that this time I may not get back on my feet...I'm so scared...I cant sleep
I'm feeling so paranoid over everything...I'm worrying all the time
So alone...
I feel like a sense of doom
Like there are even worse, 100 times worse things to come....
I cut myself after a long time I didn't...and I didn't care...my partner is also feeling even worse and cut because I did...
I feel so weak...and then sometimes this just feel like a bad dream and I'm alright...
I try bad to be always alright...i do not want to tell the people I used or could confinde to how bad I am feeling because I do not want to burden them .-. I feel lik they have their problems and they'll just annoyed or burdened by mine...last time I was like this my father treated me so bad...im feeling so awful ç_ç
I noticed that there are many diaries over there and since I have started to feel more and more overwhelmed by life lately I have decided to start one too...
I used to that in italian boards of Social Phobia as italian is my mother tongue but after a lot of bad things happened on that board and since my boyfriend feel anxious when he sees I'm online on those boards I've gradually stopped posting there....i just don't feel comfortable anymore
I used to have and online best friend....actually for a couple of very long months, she was pretty much my only friend...and the same was true to her.
We had and awesome relationship, if I was feeling down, no matter how bad it was I knew she was there, I told her everything and the same she did with me. When we met (only once for money-distance reasons but it was good) and our bond felt even stronger.
Then a day she just...suddenly disappeared. Didnt say anything, didn't give any reason why....I was so worried, she was usually depressed and thought about suicide a lot so I called her many times, sent mails and yada yada...all of that went unanswered.
She then reappered in september and apologized for her behavior...she didn't mean it, she missed me, sometimes she was just like that and disappeared...I forgave her because I had missed her too, because I knew that sometimes she did that (thought I meant too much for her to do that with me though)...
I hoped that things could go back to normal, but they never did...we never regained that closeness again, though she did and still does her best...for a while it seemed too but i don't no...she has changed a bit...sometimes her answers even if i know that she means wells just feel so condescending...or cold. Even when they are good advices, it's just the way she says what she says that annoys me...
I had 2 other friends that I could confide too and I was very close to...online. I lost them too. I lost the friend that I had when I was in a psych ward except one that now lives very far..
My psychologist is on holidays with is wife.
My best real life friend (i wrote a 3d about her in another 3d) yesterday showed me the bruises from the beating her boyfriend gave her....my boyfriend loves me but he lives in another city and I know he is always depressed...is situation at home is very, very bad....it is not is fault ofcourse but this brings me down to...especially combined with the fact that he is just so crazy jealous...couldnt write on the italian boards anymore because everytime he was feeling so bad...now we've had so many bad arguments these past weeks and I think that he may have finally decided to keep his behaviors in check, but I know it still makes me anxious to think of how bad he is doing over there and that he feels so anxious over some very small things I do (like he used to feel and still feel anxious when I write on the italian boards)...
Everything seems to be going worse and worse and I feel like I've lost everytging that used to allow me to cope...
My insomnia is getting worse and worse...
Sometimes I cant sleep at all even though im just so tired....my heart is going faster and faster...I'm afraid that I may end up in the same state I was last years...when I tried to kill my self and that this time I may not get back on my feet...I'm so scared...I cant sleep
I'm feeling so paranoid over everything...I'm worrying all the time
So alone...
I feel like a sense of doom
Like there are even worse, 100 times worse things to come....
I cut myself after a long time I didn't...and I didn't care...my partner is also feeling even worse and cut because I did...
I feel so weak...and then sometimes this just feel like a bad dream and I'm alright...
I try bad to be always alright...i do not want to tell the people I used or could confinde to how bad I am feeling because I do not want to burden them .-. I feel lik they have their problems and they'll just annoyed or burdened by mine...last time I was like this my father treated me so bad...im feeling so awful ç_ç
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