Anxiety will end my relationship

[susieq]

I have been with my partner for 4 years and have never met any of his family because of my anxiety.
For the first year I made up excuses every time I was invited to meet them. Now we live in a different country from them so it has obviously been a lot easier to avoid.
Recently he has booked us a flight to go and visit them in 4 weeks time for his birthday and I am putting off telling him that I cant do it.
I am nervous meeting new people most of the time but for some reason, the idea of meeting my partners parents is a lot worse.
I cant stop thinking of the possible outcome and know it will be me sitting awkwardly in a room full of people trying to find courage to say something (courage that I never find) My face will turn red, ill shake, might have to throw up, will probably start crying and maybe have a panic attack or worst case scenario, I will faint.
My partner has been so patient with me over the last 4 years and really tries to be understanding. He is a very confident and outgoing person so I know he will never really understand. he keeps trying to reassure me that his family are really nice people and wont be judging me and I genuinely believe that, but the problem is me, not them.
My problem now is, when I tell him i cant face it, Im 99% sure that this time I will lose him. To someone who has never experienced this kind of life controlling anxiety, my actions appear selfish and i just dont think he will put up with it any longer. What future can we realistically have if I never meet his family.
So now I have to deal with the fact that i will lose the only person I have ever loved, the most wonderful person I have ever met because of this disorder.
I'm not really looking for advice at this stage because there isn't a solution, i just hope that someone understands that a fear so overwhelming can take everything away from you.

 

[MikeyC]

Hmm. :thinking:

Meeting his family is crucial. You pretty much have to do this. In fact it should already have been done, but he's been pretty good about it all so that's good.

How much does he know of your anxieties? That would be good to know.

I'm positive that his family is really nice and you'll fit right in. I know it's scary but once you meet them the first time, meeting them a second time will be a hundred times easier.

 

[Silatuyok]

I've had many a panic attack while in those types of situations, so I can understand your anxiety. But it's just something you have to do, panic attacks or not. I'd say talk it over with your partner beforehand and come up with a strategic plan for when you are feeling overwhelmed. Believe me, there are plenty of parents out there who think I simply have a weak constitution because of the number of times I have become "sick" at their house and had to go lie down for an hour, or 30 hours. Just do what you have to do to get through it, and with time it really does become easier.

 

[Nanita]

I know exactly what that feels like, I have experienced the same difficulties in relationships and I was always worried that my issues would make guys break up with me.
In my last relationship which was the healthiest relationship I ever had, I discovered something useful about my difficulties though. I was always obsessed with the worry that he migh get tired of me always having problems meeting his family and friends, and me always mentioning my social difficulties it to him, making a big deal out of it, talking about it, etc. - When we had been together for about a year, I started realizing that I was the one who had the biggest problem with my anxiety and my sometimes inability to be with his family and friends. Sure, his mom probably thought I was weird or dissapointing as a daighter in-law, but my exboyfriend didn´t care much about her opinion anyway. I realized that he just simply loved me and wanted me to feel good and not do things I didn´t want to do! Actually he said he learned some things from me about setting boundaries and not doing things just because other people expect him to.

That being said, we all want to sometimes do things because of other people, meeting our partners family being one of them. And I sometimes will do things even though I´m kinda panicking. You don´t have to do anything u don't want to. But you can always try and see how it goes. If everything goes horribly, don´t automatically assume that the guy will break up.

 

[susieq]

Thank you guys, its so nice to finally find people who understand the way I feel. I will let you know what happens! x