Anxieties caused by projections

[gustavofring]

Last night I felt lonely, stressed and fed up, and decided to go out at night for a ride on my bike. I went to some place just outside town, near the countryside, because I felt I needed some space and rest and couldn't find that at home or in this overcrowded city full of drunken loud people on a saturday night. I sat next to bushes and just enjoyed the peace and quiet, looking at the stars.

Suddenly thoughts came in to my head, what if someone sees me here, alone, in the dark? Will I be perceived as a weirdo? A rapist? What would someone do in the middle of the night by himself alone? Surely that person must be up to something no good or is some crazy hobo. I realised these were just silly projections, thoughts that perhaps I myself at one point would have had if I saw someone sitting alone at night.

I thought how trapped I am by my own projections and anxieties of what is on my conditioned mind as "normal behavior". Even when there is truly nothing to fear, or that I shouldn't care if anyone sees me, my mind still creates these anxieties.

 

[Facethefear]

Sort of off topic.
I used to be that way until I talked myself out of my delusion of wondering what the world thought of little old me. I used to think everyone was watching me and only me as I entered the subway car, bus, store, work, etc. I imagined they were scoring me, like in the Olympics, ( 5.0 from the Canadian judge) as I plodded along the street and talked about me at the dinner table. A therapist asked me why I thought I was so important and should command that much interest. I thought the opposite - that they were disapproving of my clothes, my hair, my face, etc. The therapist told me I might be projecting my own opinion of myself on other people and maybe they were looking around me. What did I think of my appearance? I looked the way I did because Cosmopolitan magazine and other advice givers (blame, blame) told me I should have make-up on and wear fashionable tight clothes with high heels and my hair should be long, blonde and bouncy. For a while there was perfume and jewelly. I was pretending to be super sexy city chick that had it all going on. What a lie! The valium and the vodka helped the facade of aloofness. My attitude of "leave me alone" worked very well indeed.
Over the years my hair returned to its natural colour, the clothes became too small and the heels went down to the ground. I looked like the librarian I always was and I moved to the country and started smiling. Now, when I venture out in the world I am mostly ignored and that feels wonderful.

 

[gustavofring]

Your post is quite on topic. I just gave an example of my own last night. Great that you reached such a state. I'm not fully there yet, atleast not when I'm alone out in public. But isn't it crazy how we restrict ourselves and can't even take a walk out in nature, or in your case be yourself, because of what we think others may think of us?

 

[Diend]

I think it helps when you accept the fact that you are nearing death by the second and that you could die at any moment.