Another potential friend gone

[aj]

Tomorrow one of the people that I have worked with for the past couple of months will be leaving. And as a result of my shyness I'll never see her again. I don't quite know what I'm even asking here.

I know that through life you're going to meet lots of people that you're not going to see again, but that's not the point. I don't really know much about her. Yes she's a girl and I know it sounds like I fancy her, but it's nothing to do with anything like that - it's just how this happens with everyone I meet. She's nice and out of all the people there she's the one I have the least shyness with, though it's obviously still a big problem. I'd like to get to stay in contact with her. Especially as she lives in the same smallish town as me.

I knew 20+ people in college and how many am I still in contact with? How many did I ever have the phone number of? None!

Last Friday three other people left and the same thing happened. Tomorrow it is going to happen again. I should also mention that after tomorrow there will be five of us, so it's hardly like it's a massive place, and everyone seems to have at least some level of contact with everyone else, except me.

In fact over the past couple of weeks I've been hoping that I'd catch her on her own so I could explain the problem and why I don't talk to her unless she talks to me. But that hasn't happened. The time is up.

Maybe I should leave a note explaining all of this on her car before she leaves in the hope that I might actually make a friend? What have I got to lose? Have I gone completely insane? :lol:

I just want to ask for a phone number, a MySpace ID, anything, just to stay in contact. Then I ask myself why, because I don't know her at all. But maybe if there was more time I would eventually be able to talk to her? Who knows? It feels like I'm letting yet another friend-that-might-have-been go, like the few people I was slightly more at ease with in college.

A little longer than I was expecting it to be, sorry. I hope it makes sense. If you're still here, thanks for reading

 

[Pinkylegs]

Oh well, Shit happens! Or so they say.

 

[SilentType]

Yeah don't get hung up on it man. All you can do is move on, keep a cool tool, and last but not least, don't let your meat loaf.

Peace

 

[aj]

Okay, thanks.

keep a cool tool
don't let your meat loaf

Pardon!? :lol: :lol:

 

[SocialRetahd]

I knew 20+ people in college and how many am I still in contact with? How many did I ever have the phone number of? None!

I figure that if people don't say, "hey, we should hang out sometime", than they don't really like me that much. This hasn't happened since my personality mutated into what it is now....scratch that, one guy said he'd take me to see a hooker, but I think it's cause I was doing his homework.

Leaving a note under the windshield wipers may work. I believe you have a 50% chance of flattering your friend, 30% chance of having her pity you, and 20% chance of creeping your friend out. I know it's stupid using percentages cause theres no formula for this.

 

[aj]

I figure that if people don't say, "hey, we should hang out sometime", than they don't really like me that much.

True. That's back to the 'why do I really want them as friends' thing again.

Well that was one of, if not the weirdest days of my life. I guess not much happened really but it was a big thing for me.

I put the note on her car. I did it before lunch because she was leaving part way through the day. I did it then because I figured that that way I wouldn't need to 'face' her after she'd got it.

Sooooo of course, it turned out that it was during lunch time that she was leaving. And because of that, at the start of lunch time, everyone was going to the pub. I was... 'encouraged' to come along. How were we getting there? She was driving us. So you can imagine the über embarrassment when I was getting into the car. "Is this note from you" she asked... I'm glad I only put 'stay in touch' on it and nothing horrible and cheesy

Luckily everyone is nice and seems to realize that I'm very shy so nobody took the p*ss or anything like that.

Anyway I now have her email address and know that she's on Facebook, so that's good, and going along to the pub with them has given me a confidence boost that they'll never know...

I'm trying to find something helpful for other people here; I've been so lucky with the people I work with, especially as it only started as a temporary job for an agency and it was pretty much random that I ended up there. Everything ended up okay even if it was amazingly embarrassing.

If she hadn't been leaving nothing would have changed and this never would have happened.

Thank to you or I may have never written the note...

 

[NotCreepy]

Remember to tell this friend what is in your heart (or you may regret it forever like I have so many times.) Send only love.

 

[aj]

Aww, sorry to hear that

I will. Actually I don't think I have much trouble talking about the problem... if only I could get over the first hurdle, which possibly - hopefully - has just happened.

 

[NotCreepy]

Can we get an update on how you are and how things went (or are going?)

I'm truly concerned without news.

 

[aj]

I'm sorry I haven't given an update. I thought I'd already blathered on too much. Thanks for your concern

Well, to cut a long story short, I knew at the time that she was going of to America (I am in the UK) for a while - presumably until September and then coming back to carry on with uni.

Turns out that she was going a lot quicker than I expected - yesterday. So I do have contact over the internet but anything IRL is pretty much knocked on the head, though I don't actually know how long she will be gone for yet.

Single ticket to square one please.

 

[aj]

Conversation

Yet again a fairly massive post, sorry about that. Even if nobody replies it's nice to have it out in the open here.

Continuing on from this, I've been thinking about some things. I know for certain that I do not want lots of friends, never have done, probably never will, that is very easy to say. I'd just like to interact with people 'normally' like I see them do at work and other places.

I know that it comes from them knowing each other for longer, and people will talk to you if you talk to them (and they like you!) etc., but at this rate I'm never going to get to that level. I mean I've been working there for nearly half a year already and nothing's changed.

When I went into work last Monday I actually asked someone who I work with if they had a good weekend. I was absolutely bricking it, as they say. The reply was "yes thanks". I freaked out, said something like "good", and carried on walking in. I thought "FFS, help me out here, tell me what you did!" :lol: Actually I think she was slightly taken aback as she was there through the previous episode and knows that I don't talk much (see above and below ), though that might just have been me.

I mean I suppose it would be okay to then say something like "did you do anything good" to try and keep that going, yes? That's not pushy, is it? I know this is probably a ridiculous question, and it sounds like it to me, but having pretty much no social skills it's hard to know what's appropriate. Maybe she would say that she did and we'd, like, talk about it! Wow!

Also, a simple but potentially very useful question... how do you make conversation out of nothing - when you don't go out, do anything, have anything to talk about? I've looked but I can't really find a direct answer. When we went to the pub I said nothing. At all. They just talked about things I don't know about and I had nothing to say. I might have joined in if it had have been something I knew about, but it... wasn't.

It was almost a flashback to when I was at school and my 'friends' would talk about something they had done together at the weekend or whatever... and I had absolutely no way to join in. I remember it like yesterday.

I know if you're just talking to one person you could say that they look nice of something, but that'll just sound like I'm trying to come on to them, surely? And the weather is a bit rubbish, isn't it?

 

[silentbutdeadly]

Re: Conversation

I mean I suppose it would be okay to then say something like "did you do anything good" to try and keep that going, yes? That's not pushy, is it? I know this is probably a ridiculous question, and it sounds like it to me, but having pretty much no social skills it's hard to know what's appropriate. Maybe she would say that she did and we'd, like, talk about it! Wow!

Yeah I think that's exactly the way you'd want to go about it. I'm guessing the reason she gave you such a short answer was because that's what she would expect you to do; meaning, that could have been the way she thought you wanted her to respond. I know that this is definitely the way that a lot of people I've known have dealt with me. A lot of the time, they won't continue the conversation unless you show them that you want to continue it. Hope that helps, and it seems like things are on the way to improving for you.

 

[alumnidogg]

Aj, I used to have the same problem of feeling I had nothing to talk about when I was at school/16-18 college and didn't have any friends. It's a horrible, horrible feeling, but you do have plenty to talk about...

Your interests
What you did the night before (so you stayed in, what did you do?)
Anything interesting you've read/watched/listened to recently
You can use what other people are talking about to make your own points or ask questions...

Of course you can talk about the weather! you can talk about what the hell you want. The amount of people i've met in my life with pure verbal diarrohea who talk about the most mundane crap is amazing, essentially these people don't care about what other people think of their topics of conversation, yet you worry about talking about the weather.. I'm not saying that you should be like these people at all, but just to realise that you are at the other extreme and need to come more into the middle. How will you know if the other person thinks your conversation is boring?, you never will, so don't let it take over your head.

What it took me a long time to realise is that its not true that I have "nothing to talk about", but my confidence and self esteem was shattered during adolescence, and I'm only just starting to address this. I'm beginning to find a comfort level with friends that I've never had in 10 years of knowing them, because I'm refusing to accept that a) I have the responsibility for making conversation, b) Silence is a failure, and c) that the social situation is a test of me. My friends have (consciously or unconsciously) picked up on this and I feel that their now more comfortable with me, as I'm not trying to force conversation in a permanent state of anxiety during the whole situation. It's not easy or perfect but I'm slowly getting there, and I'm getting better with people I don't know so well also.

If it helps, I've been going to CBT for the last 6 months (finally found a great counsellor, 3rd time lucky), but I've also always tryed to expose myself to situations that will challenge my anxiety - going to university away from home, training to be a teacher, getting a new job in a busy university with lots of (mostly female) colleagues. This helped but never could tackle the root cause, which is my negative self-perception, destructive thought cycle, and micro-analysis of every social situation i ever have (usually negative)

I've wrote so much as you sound exactly like me 10 years, and you must believe that you will NOT be anxious for the rest of your life.

Hope this helps, good luck.


AD

 

[aj]

Re: Conversation

Hope that helps, and it seems like things are on the way to improving for you.

I've wrote so much as you sound exactly like me 10 years, and you must believe that you will NOT be anxious for the rest of your life.

Hope this helps, good luck.

It will help. Thank you.

AD, you do sound just like me, it's quite surprising actually

I was hoping to do the above this morning (a perfect opportunity, with the weekend having just finished), but it didn't happen.

As I've been thinking to myself all day - arrrrrgh!

Trouble is that the only chance I get to talk to anyone is in the office, so unfortunately it's always either deadly quiet or busy, with lots of other people around and near whoever I'm trying to talk to. In that case I'm sure I'd need to acknowledge them (two for the price of one, yippee!), and I'm also scared it would make everyone else I work with wonder why I'm talking to whoever I am, and not them.

I fear that I'm now being a bit whiny and I just need to grow some balls. Yay

Also, about CBT - I had a look about it and will keep it in mind

 

[aj]

Well I think that today was the weirdest day of my recent life part 2! I went into work doing overtime today, and it turned out that it was just me and my team leader, who is only a couple of years older than me, in an otherwise empty building, all day.

I said that I would like to be alone with someone and that then I'd be fine talking to them - well I got the wish! We actually talked to each other for a few minutes! It still didn't really go anywhere but it was good while it was happening. It all went down the pan after that though... I didn't really talk to her for the rest of the day - I was going to at lunch time, she was reading a book (yes, I realised moments afterwards that I should have asked her about it - then again I didn't want to interrupt her) - the rest of the day we were working - I would have asked if she needed a lift into town as I know she lives somewhere around there but she was already going somewhere with someone who picked her up.

So after an amazing start to a day I again feel like a prize @#$&... why the hell didn't I talk to her again, at all? I suppose I at least know that she will probably talk to me if I talk to her though.

But I wonder where things like this with anyone from work could go... the main thing that people seem to do is to go to the pub with loads of people from work or whoever. I was thinking about asking if I could go along sometime but then that would be pointless as it's something that I never have and never will like to do (ie. with lots of people, not the pub ).

Sometimes I think that maybe I should ask someone at work out for a quick friendly drink, probably at lunchtime, but then I think that that would be a bad idea because it would then seem like I was trying to make 'a move' as they're all female... but I know that I will *have to* do something eventually if I want to make any friends because other people will *not* ask me out - the closest I've got to that is just being asked why I didn't really want to go to the Christmas party.

 

[silentbutdeadly]

It's good to see an update. I don't know what else to say other than to keep looking for good opportunities to talk to people, and in comfortable situations for you if at all possible. Don't worry about what happened during your overtime; regret will never get you anywhere. Just say to yourself that you'll do better or at least try harder the next time you get a prime opportunity like that. Just my two cents...

 

[aj]

Thanks silentbutdeadly, yes, I will try. At least tomorrow I will have one or two things to ask about - what we were talking about on Saturday - which is helpful.

I am starting to think that I am just a late developer and always have been - I have always been shy, but I'm starting to want to go out and do things like people do. I think that I'm a few years behind other people my age - in terms of what they do, maturity etc., and this has left me way behind with social stuff, and is why I am where I am today. Hmm.

Anyway, I need sleep now

 

[aj]

Late developer?

I'm starting to seriously think about some kind of therapy now. I am watching my life going down the pan and time is going way too fast.

I've never really thought about this before, but I have had this problem all my life. I mean *all* my life. I was always strange around the few friends I had in school. When out after school I somehow *liked* going home... back into my comfort zone I suppose. I remember when my parents took me to a theme park with someone from school when I was little. I asked for them to come yet they weren't a friend... well, I didn't have any! But when we were there I just tended to stick with my mum and dad. I didn't 'play' like normal kids did at all. In fact I'm pretty sure that I didn't even do the inviting part myself.

As I said this was when I was really young, no more than about six. I've never really thought about it like this before but the problem, whatever it is, has always been there. Dragging this through school, college and until today has squashed anything that I had, like you said above, alumnidogg.

Come back to today and for some reason I suddenly want to change. As I said in my other post I'm starting to want to go out and do things, think about my appearance and other people. What I mean by that is at the moment, I don't do *anything*. I come home from work, have dinner, use the computer, and go to bed. At the weekend, I use my computer. That is it. Other than work the biggest excitement is going out and putting petrol in the car, or getting my hair cut, things like that. This has been the same for a long time (for a while years ago I did have a couple of friends and went out occasionally). No wonder I think life is pointless. It's like I've been asleep for 20 years and I'm finally waking up.

Maybe I'm just too lazy to find a hobby and am a complete waste of space? Maybe it's because I'm now having a glimpse of what life is like with absolutely no interaction other than a tiny amount at work? Or is it because I just want to change simply so I can say that I've changed? Do I actually *want* to be alone, with my brain sabotaging me every time I try to do something?

If what I hope is true, then things are just get going, about fifteen years too late (!). It's like some part of my brain has forgotten to develop but is now starting to. I'll get 'there' eventually and I hope it doesn't take too long, but I just have to give it time.

But maybe this is some kind of other problem, any thoughts?

Also I would like to say that I'm unbelievably thankful to you and this site. I know I go on but I have nobody else to talk to, really. If it's crap tell me and I'll stop posting it

 

[Scrabbl]

Re: Late developer?

Your story is not crap. it's interesting - much more so than my own boring life.

Do you actually want to be alone? I don't think so... We all need some sort of companionship. If we all enjoy being alone, then SP would not be much of a problem. I think it's the dilemma of wanting but fearing social contact that makes us crazy

You talk about life being pointless. I think that too. It feel like nothing could motivate me to do anything, because I have nothing to look forward to in life.

 

[aj]

Re: Late developer?

Your story is not crap. it's interesting - much more so than my own boring life.

You talk about life being pointless. I think that too. It feel like nothing could motivate me to do anything, because I have nothing to look forward to in life.

Well okay, thanks. I'm sure that your life can't possibly be more boring than mine. I was going to say, "no, don't think like that" but then it's not going to mean much coming from me...

Do you actually want to be alone? I don't think so... We all need some sort of companionship. If we all enjoy being alone, then SP would not be much of a problem. I think it's the dilemma of wanting but fearing social contact that makes us crazy

Yes! That's exactly it actually. I think that I want to do this or that but I have no idea if I really do because I've never done it.

It's extra hard to try to get to know people because as well as other things, I have no idea where the 'lines' are, while knowing that I could mess everything up so easily. I know things aren't black and white but they are still there.

Ninja edit: Oh and of course, I feel massively intimidated by them as they've just done so much more in their lives than me. Not that you can really change that...

For example, I have a couple of the people who I work with on Facebook. One is one year older than me, one two years. But she is my team leader who I was talking about above. A week or two ago I 'poked' her and then she sent me a friend request. She seems to like me (in the normal sense) but she doesn't really talk to me at work other than about work itself. But then this is probably because I don't talk to her so I can understand that.

But what is it okay to talk about? And Facebook makes it twice as 'dangerous' as I have no problem saying anything on the internet, as you can see. She's my manager FFS, could it be any more confusing? :lol:

Not that it's really related to the above, but a few weeks ago she was off, only for a day, because she was ill. I felt like a complete and utter arsehole when I couldn't ask her how she was the next day, to show that I did actually care.

The other person who I mentioned is back from holiday on Monday so maybe, just maybe I'll be able to keep some kind of conversation going for more than a few seconds...