An old friend.. Help?

[CygnusRift]

So there's this girl who I used to be best friends with long ago, in middle school. I upset her with my self-harm so much that she stopped talking to me, but we're just now starting to talk again as I finally brought up the guts to talk to her. Problem is, I have no idea how to go about it. I almost feel like I'm starting off from scratch, and neither of us are big on small talk and I fear scaring her off now, even though we're both graduated from high school and she's probably not so sensitive and easily upset like that now. So, how do I strike up a conversation with her? What should I try talking about with her? I'm worried that everything I do and say to her will come off as annoying. I just want to make a connection with her and be able to interact with her without being boring or annoying and I simply have no idea on how to talk to someone.

Note: When I ask for what to talk about with her, I don't mean super specifics. I mean, do I go into talking about our lives, interests, etc. or what, and how to keep it interesting and not causing it to flop, seem rude, or inadvertently make it all about me. Also, how do you tell someone that you want to hang out and do things together without coming off as needy and clingy?

Sorry if this post is kind of disorganized and everything is everywhere. I'm beyond sleepy, stressed, dealing with additional mental problems, and pretty much reaching the point of a total mental breakdown, and it's making it hard for me to even type coherently. But, it was either post this or just cry and feel helpless about my situation. I hope this post makes sense. Any and all advice is appreciated. Chances are, anyone here probably has a far better idea of how to go about it than I do.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Well, in a way, you are starting off from scratch again if you two stopped talking to each other in middle school up until she and you have both graduated from high school.

So, remember the kinds of conversations you two had back in the past. Use those as a basis for creating conversations with her. Ask her what she's been up to or where she'd like to go if you're not sure what kind of questions you want to ask her. You probably shouldn't bring up self-harm if you still do it though; chances are you might lose any chances of a friendship again.

But, don't worry about being annoying. If she didn't find you annoying in the past, then she won't find you annoying now. After all, you two were friends once, so you should be able to become friends again.

 

[CygnusRift]

Well, in a way, you are starting off from scratch again if you two stopped talking to each other in middle school up until she and you have both graduated from high school.

Thanks for the response. This is true that it is basically starting off as new. I wish I could remember, but I mostly only barely remember these last 3 years. Everything else is a blurry haze thanks to my poor memory.

So, remember the kinds of conversations you two had back in the past. Use those as a basis for creating conversations with her. Ask her what she's been up to or where she'd like to go if you're not sure what kind of questions you want to ask her. You probably shouldn't bring up self-harm if you still do it though; chances are you might lose any chances of a friendship again.

I have tried that, but it doesn't seem to get much going. Then again, I can't figure out how to respond anything beyond "not much" on my part. Thankfully, I don't self harm still as I quit that a long time ago, but yeah I wouldn't be doing that anyway as it's what messed things up before and I wouldn't want to cause her distress. Something I should add: We got together a few days ago, and it seemed a lot easier for us to talk in person than online. She IS busy and lives in another city now, so we probably won't get to see each other in person much. Would it be annoying if I asked her about video chat? She said she doesn't use Skype anymore as she has forgotten her password, but does Facebook have a functional video chat function? I have an easier time communicating with someone and not make a hopeless fool of myself if I can actually see them, as I mostly go by body language to gauge how well I'm doing and figure out roughly what the other person is thinking. Online, it's just words and I have no real way of knowing unless I know that person especially well.

But, don't worry about being annoying. If she didn't find you annoying in the past, then she won't find you annoying now. After all, you two were friends once, so you should be able to become friends again.

This is true.. to an extent. As pathetic as it is, I'm more messed up now overall, and I feel that I'm considerably more prone to being annoying and bothersome now, though I try hard not to be.

:kickingmyself:

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Hm, well, if you can't remember, then just play things by ear. Talk about things that interest you and interest her as well. If there are any interesting events going on in your area, try to invite her to one. And, if her monosyllabic answers get to you, then politely bring it up with her. Ask her if she's having fun with you because sometimes you feel like she isn't.

I'm not sure if Facebook has a video chat because I don't have a Facebook account. But, since some days have passed since you two first reconnected, it shouldn't be bad. Just ask her if she wouldn't mind video chatting with you sometimes.

Whether you are or aren't more "messed up" isn't something I can judge due to not knowing you. However, whether you are or not, your base personality is still the same. And it's that same base personality that she liked. And your base will always show, even if it's obscured by issues. Anyway, we're far too harsh on ourselves. Any flaw we have, small or no, can become superinflated, so don't worry about your problems so much and just focus on being a good friend to her.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I don't want to be pessimistic but do you really want such friendship where you have to walk on eggs all the time? Sounds exhausting