Agreement 2 - sadly, it doesn't protect us from all the hurt peple afflict - if someone slaps your face you will feel pain regardless if you take it personally or not. Or if you manage otherwise, let me know
I agree with this (what Lea said). If sby says some "hurtful words", then by definition those words WILL HURT (at least a bit) - there's no getting around that. It's not WHETHER you will react badly to those words, but
HOW MUCH you react to them. In fact i was attempting to analyse
this very issue earlier today.
Here are some of the notes i made on it...
(is based on the ABC model - A/Event -> B/Thoughts -> C/Feelings)
(& is my usual level of reacting to those people around me, when at home (always), not when go abroad (~never))
(& is i think is a "reasonable" model/level to strive for & try to stay at)
Process following somebody's harsh/hurtful words/actions...
A ... Event (harsh/hurtful words/actions)
B ... Thoughts about it
C ... Minor-medium Feelings reaction + Zero physical reaction
. . . . (eg slight irritation) . . . . . . . (actions - eg verbal retaliation)
D ... Analyze/rationalize + Avoid significant Feelings reaction
E ... Still minor-medium (or less) Feelings reaction + Zero physical reaction
F ... Engage in a "postive" activity (to fill mind with positive, unrelated thoughts)
G ... Minor-->Zero-->Positve Feelings reaction
It's quite an "art" to follow this every time, takes years of practise. I follow it MOST times, but not all, so there's definately room for improvement for myself. And of course when i DON'T follow it, there tends to be a "major melt-down". So it's all-or-nothing it seems. And that is actually one of the "clues" about the whole root causes/effects. I believe that, and esp concerning SA'ers in general, while in the steps B-E.. after the initial event (A), it SEEMS that there's nothing more to it than you having an minor-medium feelings reaction. But today (had an event), while i was still "in the zone" & recording my ideas about it, i had a "feeling" that i was struggling to not overreact (or even "explode"). That is, i felt i was fighting a battle with deep/subconscious thoughts being "rapidly hurled" at my conscious mind, and that it took "much strength" (of character? habit?) to "blot them out". How i did/do this is usually to
FILL my mind with
OTHER, POSITIVE/AWESOME stuff/thoughts/feelings. This allows me to "disconnect" from those unwanted/irrational/dangerous thoughts (that is, to not "get drawn into" them, and possibly suffer a significant or major feelings reation - which i have learnt not to want).
Another words, i believe that the event (A) immediately triggers a "steady stream" (or "constant barrage" if you prefer) of negative/irrational thoughts from the subconcious (basically just memories/associations of past painful events). These thoughts are your "
CONNECTION" to the pain of the past, they "connect" you to (the possibily of re-experiencing) significant/major feelings reactions. If you "
allow" them to persist, which means by focussing or even being mindful/aware of them, then you are in
serious danger of "triggering" a major feelings reaction (which is a reaction to the
current event, but "uses" your past by re-triggering those feelings associated with your past).
Another way to put it, is that there are repressed/supressed feelings in your being, which have never been "addressed", which have built up over time, and some may have began in childhood. And there are things that TRIGGER these exact same feelings to be RE-EXPERIENCED again, and again, and again.
In general, just a single word or thought can trigger a --> feeling. So if an event causes your subconscious to send a
barrage of thoughts associated to that event, then of course you are in
major danger of having a feelings reaction. So you need to have a way of immeditaely "calming down" the your thoughts - both from subconscious & what you're consciously "choosing" to think about, at that time.
Of course other schools-of-thought believe that one should not
avoid such thoughts, but be more
mindful/aware of them. I sort of agree, but i think there's a time-and-place for being "mindful" of your thoughts - and that time-and-place i believe should
not be "in the heat of battle". The same goes for being aware of the feelings (reaction). As there is the danger of triggering a nasty feelings reaction, so you want to avoid that, by
not focussing on the automatic thoughts/feelings that are presently occurring (triggered by the event, which auto triggers them via subconscious - but can be added to by the focus of your own conscious thoughts).
I think the great Echarte Tolle wrote something along the lines of "you should experience the pain exactly as it is, only then will it dissipate". That maybe true, but maybe you need to have reached a certain level of "Echarte-Tolle-ness" to achieve that??. And if you aren't anywhere near that level, and esp if you're an SA'er (who apparently have a lot more anger/repression/etc issues than most), then maybe experiencing the feelings (reaction) as it is (&
trying to focus on it) might instead lead to a chain-reaction of
other unwanted thoughts/feelings - leading to you being/feeling
overwhelmed (ie "at the mercy of") them, and thereby in serious danger of it turning into something
MAJOR in the feelings sense (??)
