Am I too late to change?

[dandriv25]

I'm really concerned that I have social anxiety and AVPD.

I have only recently noticed the symptoms of these conditions and it has hit me that I have been suffering like this for most of my life. I'm 27 now. I don't feel comfortable opening up to my family as I don't think they will understand. My parents are very old fashioned and I don't want to be a burden to my brother and sister, they have their own lives to live.

I haven't been to a doctor to talk about it yet, but from what I have read online and in books I am almost certain I have these conditions. There has been a history of mental illness in my family, particularly on my mothers side and I'm worried that I may have inherited some mental problems from my grandparents. (My mothers father developed dementia in his 50's and passed away at 65; my mother herself developed mild depression after my sister was born and spent time in psychiatric care, which upset me. Other family members have some traits of depression and anxiety).

I have trouble dealing with people and approaching people to ask them for help or even in shops/public places. Especially authoritarian figures like police make me feel intimidated. I feel tense and self conscious and mumble and get tongue tied. It can be awfully embarrassing and humiliating. I always try to avoid having to ask for help or talking to people, especially if I don't know them.

I avoid social gatherings and parties in case I get into a situation I can't handle. Having relationships with girls is terrifying. I had bad experiences trying to meet girls growing up and they always come back to haunt me. I've never had a girlfriend and find it extremely hard to share myself with anyone for fear of rejection or being hurt. I can't see myself ever having an emotional or physical relationship. I don't consider myself worthy of someone as I am unemployed and have no experience in relationships. I don't think anyone will want me at this stage.

I have had jobs working with my family since I left school 10 years ago, and I'm currently in college trying to get my Diploma in Media Studies/Film. My confidence has taken a hit in the last few years after being turned down for nearly every job I've applied for. I feel like I'm just a loser and will never have a job or a relationship because I'm affected by anxiety and fear of rejection and hurt.

Sorry to be rabbiting on, but I really don't want to let anymore negativity affect me. I've been reading self help books and online resources to give me guidance but I think I need to see a GP. I'm just worried I'm too old to lose all these feelings of anxiety, fear and loneliness to move on and try and make something of myself.

 

[Odo]

I really can't help you because I'm in the same position. I'm older than you are and while I would never say never, I'm prepared to face a life where it doesn't happen.

Still, the older I get, the more I realize that while it isn't possible to get over the desire to have a relationship/companionship, you can be content as long as you stop beating yourself up over not having one.

I don't know if things can get better... but if your family can help you to get a job then you should take advantage of that. There's no shame in it and it's a good living... just make sure you take an active interest in what you're doing. You can't always get what you want and if you're in film studies it's going to be almost impossible to spin that into any kind of job (I studied the same thing, and this was before everyone got extra-douchey about the whole 'useless degree' thing).

Don't give up hope... I don't know what to do because I honestly think things are getting worse employment-wise. If you can find a good therapist, they might help.

 

[andsorry]

I'm a few years younger and in the same position. you just have to keep trying eventually someone will open that door of opportunity to you. What about some part time internships?

 

[Capsaicin]

With age we can fall into very habitual behavior that makes us resistant to change, but the flip side is that we also have more developed personalities and skill sets that may be better equipped for coping. I don't think "too late" should be a major concern.

 

[Flanscho]

from what I have read online and in books I am almost certain I have these conditions

I don't say that you are wrong. I don't know you or the situation you are in well enough for that. But according to the internet and books, the average person has 2354 different diseases and mental illnesses. Or in other words: no matter how healthy we are, with the right mindset, we can find thousands of symptoms we have that to fit to thousands of diseases and problems. Or in again other words: anything you research online like that is basically null and void unless you visit a professional.

Or in pictures:

It's quite normal that people feel differently, think differently and act differently. It's the way we are. Some people are like this, some people are like that. That doesn't mean that people got a disease or whatever.

But maybe you're right? Who am I to know? Go and visit someone who knows. Which is neither me nor you nor anyone on the internet. And if we want to we can always change.

 

[dandriv25]

I understand that the Internet and what you read cannot diagnose or treat conditions, but we have a really bad approach to mental health in Ireland. Doctors, psychiatrists and therapists are not very informed about social anxiety, phobia or behavioral conditions and try to treat everything with medication as opposed to helping people discover what causes these issues. I just find online papers and articles a lot more informative. Thanks for reply btw.

 

[dandriv25]

I really can't help you because I'm in the same position. I'm 8 years older than you are and while I would never say never, I'm prepared to face a life where it doesn't happen.

Still, the older I get, the more I realize that while it isn't possible to get over the desire to have a relationship/companionship, you can be content as long as you stop beating yourself up over not having one.

I don't know if things can get better... but if your family can help you to get a job then you should take advantage of that. There's no shame in it and it's a good living... just make sure you take an active interest in what you're doing. You can't always get what you want and if you're in film studies it's going to be almost impossible to spin that into any kind of job (I studied the same thing, and this was before everyone got extra-douchey about the whole 'useless degree' thing).

Don't give up hope... I don't know what to do because I honestly think things are getting worse employment-wise. If you can find a good therapist, they might help.

Thanks for the advice and help. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat. I know there's always hope, but it can be hard to see through all of these problems at times. Great to meet another (former) film student I appreciate all the help my family gives and has given me, but I really need to be independent and have a life of my own soon. Our economy over here is destroyed which doesn't help. Thanks again for advice.

 

[dandriv25]

I'm a few years younger and in the same position. you just have to keep trying eventually someone will open that door of opportunity to you. What about some part time internships?

I've been applying for jobs and internships as few and far between as they are, but nothing seems to come of them. Not even a reply. Thanks for advice btw. Best of luck.

 

[Earthcircle]

I'm really concerned that I have social anxiety and AVPD.

I have only recently noticed the symptoms of these conditions and it has hit me that I have been suffering like this for most of my life. I'm 27 now. I don't feel comfortable opening up to my family as I don't think they will understand. My parents are very old fashioned and I don't want to be a burden to my brother and sister, they have their own lives to live.

I haven't been to a doctor to talk about it yet, but from what I have read online and in books I am almost certain I have these conditions. There has been a history of mental illness in my family, particularly on my mothers side and I'm worried that I may have inherited some mental problems from my grandparents. (My mothers father developed dementia in his 50's and passed away at 65; my mother herself developed mild depression after my sister was born and spent time in psychiatric care, which upset me. Other family members have some traits of depression and anxiety).

I have trouble dealing with people and approaching people to ask them for help or even in shops/public places. Especially authoritarian figures like police make me feel intimidated. I feel tense and self conscious and mumble and get tongue tied. It can be awfully embarrassing and humiliating. I always try to avoid having to ask for help or talking to people, especially if I don't know them.

I avoid social gatherings and parties in case I get into a situation I can't handle. Having relationships with girls is terrifying. I had bad experiences trying to meet girls growing up and they always come back to haunt me. I've never had a girlfriend and find it extremely hard to share myself with anyone for fear of rejection or being hurt. I can't see myself ever having an emotional or physical relationship. I don't consider myself worthy of someone as I am unemployed and have no experience in relationships. I don't think anyone will want me at this stage.

I have had jobs working with my family since I left school 10 years ago, and I'm currently in college trying to get my Diploma in Media Studies/Film. My confidence has taken a hit in the last few years after being turned down for nearly every job I've applied for. I feel like I'm just a loser and will never have a job or a relationship because I'm affected by anxiety and fear of rejection and hurt.

Sorry to be rabbiting on, but I really don't want to let anymore negativity affect me. I've been reading self help books and online resources to give me guidance but I think I need to see a GP. I'm just worried I'm too old to lose all these feelings of anxiety, fear and loneliness to move on and try and make something of myself.

You are deep enough to quote one of my heroes: Stanley Kubrick. Furthermore, the quote hints at Gnosticism, which is also very profound. I wish we lived closer, since I would seriously consider trying to be your friend -- unless we scare each other, which is possible.

 

[dandriv25]

You are deep enough to quote one of my heroes: Stanley Kubrick. Furthermore, the quote hints at Gnosticism, which is also very profound. I wish we lived closer, since I would seriously consider trying to be your friend -- unless we scare each other, which is possible.

Yes Kubrick is a great inspiration! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I may not be able to help you with much but we can share thoughts.

 

[Naesala]

All I can say is that its never to late to change. I think its important to try and keep an open mind about possibilities, otherwise you might endangering yourself of making it a selffullfilling prophecy. Meaning that because all your thoughts automatically assume a negative outcome, you are unknowingly deciding your own faith.

I can`t tell you obviously whether or not you have either diagnosis you mention, but in the end its not that important. Whats important is that you recognize that you have certain difficulties in certain situations. When those situations mean a lot to you (like a relationship), then its worth checking into it. You can do that in lot of ways, but I think its best to talk about this with someone you can trust and help you. Visiting a GP isn`t a bad idea. Still though, to find out where you stand, I find its best to try and keep guarding the line of safe and unsafe. The way to do this is by sometimes trying to do small things out of your comfortzone. Not only therapists can give you tools to deal with problems, so can life experience. Just make sure you go for the constructive kind.

But if you take anything from this post, its NEVER to late. Thats the kind of attitude that might keep you from achieving more happiness then you have now. In the end I learned the hard way that waiting for life to make things better for you is a neverending wait, if you want change, it asks for personal perseverance. Thats hard, but there are people who can help you. People here who know what your facing, but also people around you and therapists for example, all depending on what you need to make steps forward.

 

[laure15]

^Very well said, Naesala. We must keep an open mind. Some people find success later on in life, maybe at age 30, 40, even 50. The first 20-30 years are often rough because we're still young, often swayed by other people's opinions, and confused about many things. We generally make the most mistakes in this time frame. Hopefully, it gets better with age as we accumulate more wisdom and courage.

 

[oddOne]

I'm a few years younger and in the same position. you just have to keep trying eventually someone will open that door of opportunity to you. What about some part time internships?

Yeah . . . but then what? Specifically, you get the job, start making some "real" coin, have a rapidly growing social network full of non-assholes...

This is me . . . yet . . . nothing . . . like I died a while back . . . and just haven't started decomposing yet.

Perhaps running into someone with whom I could actually relate might "change" something . . . knock me out of this anxious apathy . . . eh?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

You're young. You have plenty of time. You do need to focus on your self esteem and learn to love yourself. (me too). If you think you're unworthy, chances are so will others.

Self awareness is a long journey. Try to find the root of your issues and come to terms with it. Medication and therapy can help too. You can't do it alone.

 

[Capsaicin]

Yeah . . . but then what? Specifically, you get the job, start making some "real" coin, have a rapidly growing social network full of non-assholes...

This is me . . . yet . . . nothing . . . like I died a while back . . . and just haven't started decomposing yet.

Perhaps running into someone with whom I could actually relate might "change" something . . . knock me out of this anxious apathy . . . eh?

I've heard the Life Plan before...

Go to school - > Graduate - > Know what careers you want - > Go to college - > Graduate - > Get a job - > Get married - > Buy a big house with a white picket fence and a dog -> Have kids - > Buy more stuff - > Happiness and fulfillment!

It's treated like it's supposed to be enough and be fulfilling in and if itself, but that's not necessarily the case. I think a lot of people don't dig deeper and wind up unhappy for it. Of course, struggling in the basic social and material senses is also a downer.

 

[hoddesdon]

I was once told by a medical specialist that it is never too late.

 

[oddOne]

I've heard the Life Plan before...
Go to school - > Graduate - > Know what careers you want - > Go to college - > Graduate - > Get a job - > Get married - > Buy a big house with a white picket fence and a dog -> Have kids - > Buy more stuff - > Happiness and fulfillment!

Religion is usually part of the equation [at least in the US], which is important to remember as it plugs up the [many] gaps in the aforementioned "Life Plan."

I figured this out the hard way when I "converted" to atheism about 6 years ago . . . because I "crashed" hard . . . and I've yet to fully get over it . . . felt/feels FAR worse than anything else I've tried kicking . . . almost identical to kicking oxy [minus the muscle cramps].

I've heard the Life Plan before...
It's treated like it's supposed to be enough and be fulfilling in and if itself, but that's not necessarily the case. I think a lot of people don't dig deeper and wind up unhappy for it

. . . unhappy because it was never meant as THE plan . . . more like an "addendum" to what already existed . . . but then it sort of morphed into what it is today...

 

[Bronson99]

I was once told by a medical specialist that it is never too late.

Really? I'm 32 and in a significantly worse situation than the OP. It is most likely too late for me.

 

[hoddesdon]

^ I would say not. There was a user on this site who posted a thread about how cognitive behavioural therapy had worked for her. She was 45 and had had it for forty years. Her username escapes me just at the moment.

The medical specialist I referred to was a neurologist, not a psychiatrist.

 

[oddOne]

The medical specialist I referred to was a neurologist, not a psychiatrist.

Why'd you make the distinction? I see both every 3 months, one for epilepsy the other for a plethora of "mental" issues . . . and really, throughout my nearly 30 years of seeing various examples of each, it is hard to separate the two. They both ask nearly identical questions and are interchangeable as far as prescriptions go (my experience, at least).

Yes, I know they're distinct specialties [on paper] but their goals and approaches are very intertwined.