almost gave up but something stopped me

[Duzmiu]

hi,
recently over the last couple of weeks my depression has gotten worse, i dont know why but ive just been feeling worse and worse, for years ive been pretending to be happy and confident but ive just given up with doing it and starting to give up on everything, as its got me no-where.

day after day i dread going to sleep as i know il have to get out of bed in the morning, i have nothing decent in my life, i dont have any real friends anymore, a few people i talk to online every now and then but thats it, my family is terrible, a sister who dosent care, my mum see's me as her personal slave and my dad dosent care enough about me to even pick up the phone and say hello.

the last couple of days has been the worst, no matter what i do i cant seem to find anything exciting or interesting in life, i get up go on the computer or watch tv all day and then go to bed, i do this day after day.

i barely eat i think ive eaten 1 small meal in 3 days now, all i do is drink vodka and energy drinks. i know for a fact im underweight and very unfit but i just cant get myself to do anything about it,
ive been avoiding going to the doctors for awhile now, i know he's just going to lecture me on how i should look after myself more but at the moment i couldnt care less about how my health is.

i have these feelings run through my head for hours every day, always sad thoughts and about my troubles ive had in the past and how i could of changed the situation but was too much of a coward to do it.

i felt like killing myself today and i did plan about how i was going to do it a bit,
i took the dog for a long walk and then went to a main road, i stood at the side of the road for awhile but every time a lorry or bus went past something stopped me from walking into the traffic.
my mind was set on stepping into the on-going traffic but my body wouldnt let me.
i had managed to confuse myself, somehow my heart took over my mind and stopped me from moving, i dont know why but i just couldnt do it. on the walk home i was thinking about why i couldnt do it and all i could think of is that i didnt actually want to die and all i had done was look for an escape and death seemed like an easy way to do it.

now i dont know what to do, should i follow my mind and take the easy way out or follow my heart, get some proffesional help and try to sort out my problems, and try to live life for what it really is and not my mind see's it as

 

[DeadmanWalking]

That "something" that stopped you? It was your will to live and hope for the future. You know the answer as to what you should.... no, want to do. Listen to the voice of your heart and go get some help. That "place of mind" is no place of be, trust me. Get away from there and start anew.

 

[Duzmiu]

That "something" that stopped you? It was your will to live and hope for the future. You know the answer as to what you should.... no, want to do. Listen to the voice of your heart and go get some help. That "place of mind" is no place of be, trust me. Get away from there and start anew.

my heart seems to be persuading my mind to do so but im embarresed none of my family know how i feel, my dad and his side of the family have always told me the same thing " your a Rolph(my surname) your not weak, your not fragile, you can overcome anything" so ive always put on a brave face no matter how sad its been. i just dont know how i can start doing it, i always feel like im going to be judged and seem weak, ive tried many times to tell my mother or sister how i feel and whats going on in my mind but i panic and chicken out,
whenever i think about telling someone i start to get sad and my emotions come to much, i feel like im going to cry but i just cant and i get very angry by it which is why ive always avoided my emotions if i can.

 

[Valhalla]

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[DeadmanWalking]

my heart seems to be persuading my mind to do so but im embarresed none of my family know how i feel, my dad and his side of the family have always told me the same thing " your a Rolph(my surname) your not weak, your not fragile, you can overcome anything" so ive always put on a brave face no matter how sad its been. i just dont know how i can start doing it, i always feel like im going to be judged and seem weak, ive tried many times to tell my mother or sister how i feel and whats going on in my mind but i panic and chicken out,
whenever i think about telling someone i start to get sad and my emotions come to much, i feel like im going to cry but i just cant and i get very angry by it which is why ive always avoided my emotions if i can.

There's no shame in admitting a weakness. Everyone has them. Not everyone can stay strong and stonefaced. Your dad reminds me of my dad a bit. However, you are you, no name affiliation will determine who you are. Recognize and embrace who the "true you" is.

 

[karl:-/]

I personally think you've made the first step to help already.. the step away from the road nd in the right direction home...... A problem shared is a problem halfed.. my grandad told me that, its helped me nd my problems through tough times now I have his memory to hold onto also his wisdom.. some people say wisdom is crack talk but I see it as hope past throughout time major respect to you for not doin it nd showing more courage nd posting on here.... Hope you get the help you want/need and as a human deserve....

 

[Duzmiu]

I personally think you've made the first step to help already.. the step away from the road nd in the right direction home...... A problem shared is a problem halfed.. my grandad told me that, its helped me nd my problems through tough times now I have his memory to hold onto also his wisdom.. some people say wisdom is crack talk but I see it as hope past throughout time major respect to you for not doin it nd showing more courage nd posting on here.... Hope you get the help you want/need and as a human deserve....

i couldnt agree more with what your grandad told you, i feel alot better just sharing my problems on here, and thank you for the kind words

 

[karl:-/]

You been on my mind and I realy wish you could talk to your mum. I imagen it will be hard but not as hard as what your going through now on your own 2 feet.. if not make an appointment at the docs, I hold all faith that you can do this, look at the courage you gained threw your first step.... Use this

 

[Duzmiu]

You been on my mind and I realy wish you could talk to your mum. I imagen it will be hard but not as hard as what your going through now on your own 2 feet.. if not make an appointment at the docs, I hold all faith that you can do this, look at the courage you gained threw your first step.... Use this

thank you, its nice to see someone i dont even know care about me.

i plan on making an appointment at the doctors tomorow morning all tho i have no idea what im going to say him, bit of a weird subject to bring up.
so far my plan is to get some strong hayfeaver tablets as over the counter ones dont work for me, dont know how im going to take it from there.

 

[Duzmiu]

just got back from the doctors, wasnt as bad as i thought it would be, been given some meds, gotta wait for some mail now about seeing a therapist and ive been declared unfit to work for 3 months....got to go back to the doctor in 10days but the meds are weird said they take like 3 weeks to take affect, seems a bit of a long time....anyway as i had to get up really early and didnt get much slee last night ima try get some now