Loneranger
New member
I just need to vent and I need to get some things out, someone suggested that I start trying to get help. I don't really want to go to a shrink but I thought maybe I could get my thoughts out here. This is going to be a fairly long post, so get ready.
I'm quite the loner. I did just come out of a 2 month relationship that didn't go as well as I would have liked. The last girlfriend I did have before that was about a year and half ago and we had only dated a month. I'm just going to start from the top of this year. This year has been a very stressful year, I got a really good jog at the beginning of this year, I'm a full time student so it has been especially hard meeting people. It's always been a thought in the back of my mind that I'd like to get laid but the past year and half I haven't had a lot of luck with girls. I've asked a few out on dates but nothing really ever became of it. I guess I was unhappy more or less I couldn't find anyone, but I lived with it and carried out my life. I go to parties once in a while, I do drink but not that often. With this new job though I have been a little less social. Also, this year I had an on campus apartment for the first time so I got pretty close to my suite mates. Seemed most of the time especially after work I would just chill out with my roommate and watch tv, my one suite mate is always around with his girlfriend that never seems to leave. They are good company. Well in April on campus they always have the end of the year school party and my suite mate's girlfriend told me of her friend, Michelle, from home that was coming up for that weekend. She was single and was looking to meet someone new, she had recently come out of a long relationship. I was interested, friended her on facebook, started talking to my suite mate's girlfriend a lot more about it. Well anyways she did eventually come for that weekend, I worked good amount that week, so by the time that weekend came around, while everyone was drinking, I was resting and hanging around with my suite mate, my room mate, and my suite mate's girlfriend and Michelle. They don't drink or go out really at all. That weekend I did not do much of anything besides hang out with them, but I wasn't really trying to hit on Michelle or anything. Well once that weekend was through, I was a little depressed, the weekend had not been all that exciting (I had a lot more fun the year previous), I had not hooked up with Michelle. That Monday though, I decided to IM Michelle for the hell of it. It was nothing all the interesting of a conversation but it was kind of nice to feel I could keep in touch with her. Well anyways, later that night my suitemate's girlfriend had found out that I had IMed her and she IMed me telling me Michelle was kind of interested in me. I thought that's pretty cool. So for the next couple of weeks, my suite mate's girlfriend (for better or for worse) played match maker, I started talking to Michellel a lot and started hanging out with my suitemate and his girlfriend even more. Well anyways, around the same time I started talking to this other girl, Emily, that I had met that semester, I wasn't really interested in her, but she is cool to talk to. Well things starting getting sticky at one point, my suitemate's girlfriend started telling me about Michelle's previous love life. She had had sex before, which kind of intimidated me. On top of that, she lives quite a distance, like 100 miles away from my school, about 400 from my real home. I was expressing concern because Michelle and I had decided we're going to start hanging out. Well I guess I was bitching and moaning a little bit and finally my suitemate's girlfriend pissed me off and was like "Don't you ever want to get laid?" That made me kind of angry on top of a few other things that she had said to me. I was kind of insulted and did not talk to her for a few days. Well, this is where this girl Emily comes into play. I wanted to start hanging out with her, so one night I took a walk with her and expressed some of my concerns about what had happened and my virgin state and she seemed cool about it. Emily has a boyfriend but something attracted me to her a bit. The following night, we hung out again and she finally let out that she had always kind of been attracted to me. Me feeling a little desperate and shocked kind of went with it and we more or less hooked up. I almost got laid that night and I felt so free. I felt kind of rebellious considering I was kind of talking to Michelle and had gotten in a small fight more or less with my suitemate's girlfriend. Emily's boyfriend sounded kind of like a dick and I really thought that she was going to dump him for me. It did not turn out that way, it was simply a one nighter. I felt kind of hurt and somewhat guilty even thought I had not done anything wrong. Emily was also very into the whole thing when it happened, so it was a bit of a confidence boost. Anyways, after realizing that nothing was going to come out of it, Michelle continued to talk to me and I continued to go with it. Literally, one week after the Emily incident, I went up to see Michelle and we hooked up. A week later, we started dating. Things seemed to be going well, she seemed to like that the physical part of the relationship did not seem to be too important to me. It was a shocker though when Michelle told me that it was merely three weeks into her past relationship that she lost her virginity to her boyfriend. This kind of hurt me, because she seemed like such a nice girl. In the back of my mind, it was intimidating because I am 11 months older than her and she got laid 2 year ago. It made me feel very inexperienced. Otherwise things were going pretty well, she spent the night a few weeks later, we got a little physical but nothing too crazy. Overall, the first month was great, I was in a great mood. Around the end of June though, some things about her started to bother me. She still lives at home but when she first started school, she lived there. She told me how she got involved in smoking and drinking a bit, wasn't doing all that well in school at first, it seemed like she left home and went crazy. I'm a bit paranoid though, and made it kind of a big deal, I was never like that and it bothered me a little that had been like that. I expressed my concerns, she got upset but we got through it. Things starting going downhill from there. As time went on, I kept on going up there to see her adding up to like 7 or 8 times and she had been here a total of 3. This meant we never had any alone time, nothing could develop. I always felt that I came secondary to her and her friends came first, which would make sense but her friends would betray her it seemed all the time. I wondered why she would put me secondary. It seemed that I was always was putting her first and I would just go up there and spend money on her. It was really driving me nuts. On top of that, nothing physical was developing after almost 2 months and I started to worry. I was not asking for sex, but I was hoping to get a little more involved with her, even just have time to be alone with her and make out. I just felt between this and her never coming down, she didn't appreciate me. I tried talking to Michelle about this, but she got all upset. The following day we were supposed to hang out and because of this fight, she felt we shouldn't hang out that day. I was kind of pissed because I had taken the night off for her and I'd have to go two weeks without seeing her. I ended up talking to my suitemate's girlfriend about it, I told her my concerns, one being the sex. She felt I shouldn't pressure her, which I didn't feel I was. The excuse for the sex 3 weeks into her previous relationship was that her ex-boyfriend "was experienced and wanted something he hadn't had in a long time." This made no sense to me at all, that was a bad excuse to me. In the end, she felt if I really wanted to see her I should call her and leave a message telling her how I felt and I wanted to see her no matter what. I did this and the next day, Michelle texted me how we could hang out after all, but then like a half hour later felt it still was not a good idea to get together that day. I was working a lot that day and had been up since 3 am (because my job requires me to be there at 4 am) and had another job to go to that afternoon. I was planning on skipping out on that job to take a nap and see her. I really wanted to see her but finally I gave up arguing with her and decided I would just wait for the following week. Well I go to that other job, and she ended up texting me apologizing and saying how we should hang out after all. So me being an idiot, goes for it. I still felt I was putting way too much into this relationship but I went with it. On another note, I really felt strongly about Michelle, I really thought it was going to last. There were times where she felt I'd be overbearing, I would tell her I love her and she felt it was too early to say such things which is understandable. So I tried to cool it and after this whole mess from the last day, I decided to really play it cool. I felt so empty that night, like there was nothing to say, I couldn't express my feelings for her. I really felt like this was going nowhere and I was going to be a virgin for a long time the rate I was going. The following week, she was supposed to come see me and go see The Dark Knight with me and spend the night. I thought it would be a good opportunity to try to see how things would go. I bought tickets to go see it and then that day like last minute she texted me telling me she had a terrible migraine and couldn't come. I was kind of pissed, I mean she was sick but I felt that this really wasn't going anywhere. I did find someone to go with but that same night I started talking online to Emily again. Mind you, I'm turning 21 in a month and I'm getting pretty desperate as terrible as that sounds. This is where my anxiety comes in, I felt I should give that background story to give an idea of my past relationship. Emily was still with her boyfriend (who sounded like a real dick still) but we talked that night about the past events between us and my relationship with Michelle. I came to the conclusion the best thing would be to break it off. I'll be honest at the same time, Emily and I were talking of hanging out more and how we could cuddle. She even seemed interested in having sex with me at one point, I'll be honest though I was the one that brought it up. So I was kind of happy, it sounded like I could get closer to Emily and maybe I wouldn't be a virgin for too long after all, I'm just being honest what was going on in my head. I expressed to her my fear of being a virgin for much longer because I really feel like that I'm just going to get older and the chance of me meeting girls with more experience than me is going to get greater. I was really being down on myself. She told me I shouldn't think about it so much. She was happy to talk to me and it was a good night overall. The next night I broke it off with Michelle, she honestly agreed with me and I don't think it hurt her all that much. I think she was kind of happy. This is where I went wrong. Afterwards, I asked Emily if she wanted to hang out. I did tell her I wouldn't do anything with her like the time previous we had hung out. My hormones were racing though and I was being kind of pushy, but at the same time she seemed pretty happy to cuddle and make out even though she had a boyfriend. We didn't do all the much, I did get her to dry hump with me even though initially she told me to stop, I wasn't thinking and continued. She wasn't exactly complaining either but I felt bad. I tried to get a hand job from her but she didn't want to. She told me to stop but she did keep on telling me things like she felt I'd be good in bed. She told me how adorable I was, like I mean she did tell me to stop (I should have) but at the same time she seemed kind of into it. Nothing else happened, I still felt like a dick the next day but did not think too much into it. Yesterday night though, she told me we had to cool it and I understood. I made the mistake though of telling her that my reasoning was because I was horny and couldn't help myself. This was a mistake (and quite dick of me). She felt that this was the mindset of rapists and my heart sunk through the floor. She told me I should find someone to talk to about my anxiety but that makes me nervous, I don't like talking to people about this. I really feel aweful about what happened the other night, I mean she really put me in my place. I want her forgiveness and I feel like if I don't I can't be happy anymore. I need to move on, I do not want to go through any of this with her again, I just want to be her friend. I told her I would try to change and that's why I'm on this website expressing my concerns. It's getting me thinking because my ex-girlfriend from a year and a half ago I've hooked up with twice since we broke up. I felt though I had been pushy with her too and I'm worried about the shape I'm in. I'll be honest, with my ex I had been somewhat harassing even though we only hooked up like 3 times after we broke up in about a year and half's time. I feel like trash, I feel like I don't want this to happen again. Emily really got me thinking about my life. I don't know what to do. I want to lose my virginity but I don't want to try hooking up with girls with this guilt on me. I like to think I am a good person, I never meant to hurt anyone but I totally admit I was in the wrong. I told Emily I'm going to try to change. There's a part of me though that feels Emily is just as guilty because she had kind of led me on but I feel thats selfish. I need to start meeting new girls but I can't with this guilt on me. I have enough trouble talking to girls as it is. I don't want this same kind of thing to happen again and honestly I don't even like these one night stands. I have no intention of doing this again, I feel like dirt. I need to change and get past my anxiety of being a virgin and start getting more comfortable talking to girls so this won't happen again. I'm really scared of myself, I know it's all water under the bridge at this point but I still need some help. I need suggestions, I need criticisim, I'm open to anything. Just be honest with me and tell me what you feel on this whole thing, any suggestions are more than welcome or criticism.
I'm quite the loner. I did just come out of a 2 month relationship that didn't go as well as I would have liked. The last girlfriend I did have before that was about a year and half ago and we had only dated a month. I'm just going to start from the top of this year. This year has been a very stressful year, I got a really good jog at the beginning of this year, I'm a full time student so it has been especially hard meeting people. It's always been a thought in the back of my mind that I'd like to get laid but the past year and half I haven't had a lot of luck with girls. I've asked a few out on dates but nothing really ever became of it. I guess I was unhappy more or less I couldn't find anyone, but I lived with it and carried out my life. I go to parties once in a while, I do drink but not that often. With this new job though I have been a little less social. Also, this year I had an on campus apartment for the first time so I got pretty close to my suite mates. Seemed most of the time especially after work I would just chill out with my roommate and watch tv, my one suite mate is always around with his girlfriend that never seems to leave. They are good company. Well in April on campus they always have the end of the year school party and my suite mate's girlfriend told me of her friend, Michelle, from home that was coming up for that weekend. She was single and was looking to meet someone new, she had recently come out of a long relationship. I was interested, friended her on facebook, started talking to my suite mate's girlfriend a lot more about it. Well anyways she did eventually come for that weekend, I worked good amount that week, so by the time that weekend came around, while everyone was drinking, I was resting and hanging around with my suite mate, my room mate, and my suite mate's girlfriend and Michelle. They don't drink or go out really at all. That weekend I did not do much of anything besides hang out with them, but I wasn't really trying to hit on Michelle or anything. Well once that weekend was through, I was a little depressed, the weekend had not been all that exciting (I had a lot more fun the year previous), I had not hooked up with Michelle. That Monday though, I decided to IM Michelle for the hell of it. It was nothing all the interesting of a conversation but it was kind of nice to feel I could keep in touch with her. Well anyways, later that night my suitemate's girlfriend had found out that I had IMed her and she IMed me telling me Michelle was kind of interested in me. I thought that's pretty cool. So for the next couple of weeks, my suite mate's girlfriend (for better or for worse) played match maker, I started talking to Michellel a lot and started hanging out with my suitemate and his girlfriend even more. Well anyways, around the same time I started talking to this other girl, Emily, that I had met that semester, I wasn't really interested in her, but she is cool to talk to. Well things starting getting sticky at one point, my suitemate's girlfriend started telling me about Michelle's previous love life. She had had sex before, which kind of intimidated me. On top of that, she lives quite a distance, like 100 miles away from my school, about 400 from my real home. I was expressing concern because Michelle and I had decided we're going to start hanging out. Well I guess I was bitching and moaning a little bit and finally my suitemate's girlfriend pissed me off and was like "Don't you ever want to get laid?" That made me kind of angry on top of a few other things that she had said to me. I was kind of insulted and did not talk to her for a few days. Well, this is where this girl Emily comes into play. I wanted to start hanging out with her, so one night I took a walk with her and expressed some of my concerns about what had happened and my virgin state and she seemed cool about it. Emily has a boyfriend but something attracted me to her a bit. The following night, we hung out again and she finally let out that she had always kind of been attracted to me. Me feeling a little desperate and shocked kind of went with it and we more or less hooked up. I almost got laid that night and I felt so free. I felt kind of rebellious considering I was kind of talking to Michelle and had gotten in a small fight more or less with my suitemate's girlfriend. Emily's boyfriend sounded kind of like a dick and I really thought that she was going to dump him for me. It did not turn out that way, it was simply a one nighter. I felt kind of hurt and somewhat guilty even thought I had not done anything wrong. Emily was also very into the whole thing when it happened, so it was a bit of a confidence boost. Anyways, after realizing that nothing was going to come out of it, Michelle continued to talk to me and I continued to go with it. Literally, one week after the Emily incident, I went up to see Michelle and we hooked up. A week later, we started dating. Things seemed to be going well, she seemed to like that the physical part of the relationship did not seem to be too important to me. It was a shocker though when Michelle told me that it was merely three weeks into her past relationship that she lost her virginity to her boyfriend. This kind of hurt me, because she seemed like such a nice girl. In the back of my mind, it was intimidating because I am 11 months older than her and she got laid 2 year ago. It made me feel very inexperienced. Otherwise things were going pretty well, she spent the night a few weeks later, we got a little physical but nothing too crazy. Overall, the first month was great, I was in a great mood. Around the end of June though, some things about her started to bother me. She still lives at home but when she first started school, she lived there. She told me how she got involved in smoking and drinking a bit, wasn't doing all that well in school at first, it seemed like she left home and went crazy. I'm a bit paranoid though, and made it kind of a big deal, I was never like that and it bothered me a little that had been like that. I expressed my concerns, she got upset but we got through it. Things starting going downhill from there. As time went on, I kept on going up there to see her adding up to like 7 or 8 times and she had been here a total of 3. This meant we never had any alone time, nothing could develop. I always felt that I came secondary to her and her friends came first, which would make sense but her friends would betray her it seemed all the time. I wondered why she would put me secondary. It seemed that I was always was putting her first and I would just go up there and spend money on her. It was really driving me nuts. On top of that, nothing physical was developing after almost 2 months and I started to worry. I was not asking for sex, but I was hoping to get a little more involved with her, even just have time to be alone with her and make out. I just felt between this and her never coming down, she didn't appreciate me. I tried talking to Michelle about this, but she got all upset. The following day we were supposed to hang out and because of this fight, she felt we shouldn't hang out that day. I was kind of pissed because I had taken the night off for her and I'd have to go two weeks without seeing her. I ended up talking to my suitemate's girlfriend about it, I told her my concerns, one being the sex. She felt I shouldn't pressure her, which I didn't feel I was. The excuse for the sex 3 weeks into her previous relationship was that her ex-boyfriend "was experienced and wanted something he hadn't had in a long time." This made no sense to me at all, that was a bad excuse to me. In the end, she felt if I really wanted to see her I should call her and leave a message telling her how I felt and I wanted to see her no matter what. I did this and the next day, Michelle texted me how we could hang out after all, but then like a half hour later felt it still was not a good idea to get together that day. I was working a lot that day and had been up since 3 am (because my job requires me to be there at 4 am) and had another job to go to that afternoon. I was planning on skipping out on that job to take a nap and see her. I really wanted to see her but finally I gave up arguing with her and decided I would just wait for the following week. Well I go to that other job, and she ended up texting me apologizing and saying how we should hang out after all. So me being an idiot, goes for it. I still felt I was putting way too much into this relationship but I went with it. On another note, I really felt strongly about Michelle, I really thought it was going to last. There were times where she felt I'd be overbearing, I would tell her I love her and she felt it was too early to say such things which is understandable. So I tried to cool it and after this whole mess from the last day, I decided to really play it cool. I felt so empty that night, like there was nothing to say, I couldn't express my feelings for her. I really felt like this was going nowhere and I was going to be a virgin for a long time the rate I was going. The following week, she was supposed to come see me and go see The Dark Knight with me and spend the night. I thought it would be a good opportunity to try to see how things would go. I bought tickets to go see it and then that day like last minute she texted me telling me she had a terrible migraine and couldn't come. I was kind of pissed, I mean she was sick but I felt that this really wasn't going anywhere. I did find someone to go with but that same night I started talking online to Emily again. Mind you, I'm turning 21 in a month and I'm getting pretty desperate as terrible as that sounds. This is where my anxiety comes in, I felt I should give that background story to give an idea of my past relationship. Emily was still with her boyfriend (who sounded like a real dick still) but we talked that night about the past events between us and my relationship with Michelle. I came to the conclusion the best thing would be to break it off. I'll be honest at the same time, Emily and I were talking of hanging out more and how we could cuddle. She even seemed interested in having sex with me at one point, I'll be honest though I was the one that brought it up. So I was kind of happy, it sounded like I could get closer to Emily and maybe I wouldn't be a virgin for too long after all, I'm just being honest what was going on in my head. I expressed to her my fear of being a virgin for much longer because I really feel like that I'm just going to get older and the chance of me meeting girls with more experience than me is going to get greater. I was really being down on myself. She told me I shouldn't think about it so much. She was happy to talk to me and it was a good night overall. The next night I broke it off with Michelle, she honestly agreed with me and I don't think it hurt her all that much. I think she was kind of happy. This is where I went wrong. Afterwards, I asked Emily if she wanted to hang out. I did tell her I wouldn't do anything with her like the time previous we had hung out. My hormones were racing though and I was being kind of pushy, but at the same time she seemed pretty happy to cuddle and make out even though she had a boyfriend. We didn't do all the much, I did get her to dry hump with me even though initially she told me to stop, I wasn't thinking and continued. She wasn't exactly complaining either but I felt bad. I tried to get a hand job from her but she didn't want to. She told me to stop but she did keep on telling me things like she felt I'd be good in bed. She told me how adorable I was, like I mean she did tell me to stop (I should have) but at the same time she seemed kind of into it. Nothing else happened, I still felt like a dick the next day but did not think too much into it. Yesterday night though, she told me we had to cool it and I understood. I made the mistake though of telling her that my reasoning was because I was horny and couldn't help myself. This was a mistake (and quite dick of me). She felt that this was the mindset of rapists and my heart sunk through the floor. She told me I should find someone to talk to about my anxiety but that makes me nervous, I don't like talking to people about this. I really feel aweful about what happened the other night, I mean she really put me in my place. I want her forgiveness and I feel like if I don't I can't be happy anymore. I need to move on, I do not want to go through any of this with her again, I just want to be her friend. I told her I would try to change and that's why I'm on this website expressing my concerns. It's getting me thinking because my ex-girlfriend from a year and a half ago I've hooked up with twice since we broke up. I felt though I had been pushy with her too and I'm worried about the shape I'm in. I'll be honest, with my ex I had been somewhat harassing even though we only hooked up like 3 times after we broke up in about a year and half's time. I feel like trash, I feel like I don't want this to happen again. Emily really got me thinking about my life. I don't know what to do. I want to lose my virginity but I don't want to try hooking up with girls with this guilt on me. I like to think I am a good person, I never meant to hurt anyone but I totally admit I was in the wrong. I told Emily I'm going to try to change. There's a part of me though that feels Emily is just as guilty because she had kind of led me on but I feel thats selfish. I need to start meeting new girls but I can't with this guilt on me. I have enough trouble talking to girls as it is. I don't want this same kind of thing to happen again and honestly I don't even like these one night stands. I have no intention of doing this again, I feel like dirt. I need to change and get past my anxiety of being a virgin and start getting more comfortable talking to girls so this won't happen again. I'm really scared of myself, I know it's all water under the bridge at this point but I still need some help. I need suggestions, I need criticisim, I'm open to anything. Just be honest with me and tell me what you feel on this whole thing, any suggestions are more than welcome or criticism.
