Aimless and lost

[Zod]

I just want to say this is a depressing rant in advance.

Days/months/years pass by, and I am stuck in a giant rut.

All I have is a night job that I hate, and that's not even fulltime. I feel miserable and aimless on my days off, I try to get things done but I just feel tired and lonely. I have the full package it seems, ADD, depression, SA, BDD.

When I go to the library with the idea to work, I just sit there, feeling restless, wanting to get out there. And that's my life. Restless, seeking something, no accomplishment. Feeling some sort of dronish void. Some days I just drift through town to have a little social interaction but to be fair, it only makes me more miserable. I go to the gym, and try to atleast keep myself in reasonable shape, but I often have binge eating episodes that really destroy any physical progress. My "friends" are pretty much socially shut down as well, so almost no initiative is ever taken to go and do something.

I feel like I need a better social circle, and a sense of structure in my life, before more of it is wasted. Because that's what it feels like, just wasting away, until my youth is pissed away. It's very hard to get out of this somehow. I should probably enlist in something, a club or hobby, something to show up at, to feel human.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Depression is a nasty thing. It can be a real pain in the ***! That's what has got you caught.

Have you talked to your doctor about how you feel each day? Really, that's all it takes. They can help you from there. Mine got me on meds that helped with my depression and anxiety. There are better days to come for you. Just take a step toward them and get this depression managed.

After that, even as you just begin to manage depression, several things that seemed to have bothered you will start to sort out.

 

[Zod]

I did go to the doctor for it. Had a blood-test, nothing showed.
I also had a second appointment with a psychologist but I was foolish to not show up (long story, I had forgotten about the appointment and wasn't in the country and just let it go out of embarrassment).

Since then my overall mood has had ups and downs. I have tried meditation in this period, although I feel better when I do it I also feel like it's masking deeper problems and keeping me comfortable while my life circumstances don't improve. Now I feel like I have a lot of bottled up emotions.
I usually have to push myself very hard to find motivation, but this motivation crashes quickly.

I think my main problem is simply lack of routine, and lack of a proper social circle. I hate reaching out to people, I'm sick of it. I really feel like I've fallen off the boat, and now I'm just leading some sort of semi-real ghost existence, only showing up at a job to pay the rent.

 

[neardeath]

I got some outside help back in January and started attending different events. I started forcing myself to get out and do stuff. Volunteer for little projects at church where little interaction is expected. Attending events at local planetarium. So I have been getting out a whole lot more, but it never seems to get any easier. I've been surprised at how much I have enjoyed most of these outings, but it's always so hard to get myself there. So hard!

A year ago I joined a curling club! I have never been involved in a team sport in my whole life, but I did it! The problem was that my "pre-curling-anxiety" started sometime on Wednesday and I would suffer all day Thursday, and then go and have a great time. It was fun EVERY TIME but I still dreaded it. All I can do is keep trying. I wish I could leave home just once without the fear. I remember life being easier, but I don't think I will ever experience that again.

Seek out your interests and find something you would like to see yourself doing. It is worth it, no matter how hard it may be.

 

[Zod]

Hello Near-Death, that's great of you.

I wish I'd knew something I could be interested and participate in and that enables some social interaction and meeting people. Anything's better then dwelling behind a computer for much longer, that's for sure. The gym is also a pretty anti-social place for me, everyone just does their thing. I really crave talking to people.
You've inspired me to look for activities in my town. I don't know anything right now, but I can atleast take a look at some options. I've thought about this for longer, but never really turned my words and thoughts to actual deeds. If I am to ever get out of this depression, it's clear that some action has to be taken.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Hello Near-Death, that's great of you.

I wish I'd knew something I could be interested and participate in and that enables some social interaction and meeting people. Anything's better then dwelling behind a computer for much longer, that's for sure. The gym is also a pretty anti-social place for me, everyone just does their thing. I really crave talking to people.
You've inspired me to look for activities in my town. I don't know anything right now, but I can atleast take a look at some options. I've thought about this for longer, but never really turned my words and thoughts to actual deeds. If I am to ever get out of this depression, it's clear that some action has to be taken.

Try meetup.com.

Really, things you describe and how you describe them says depression. I am so sure that once you start getting out and about and/or getting help for the depression, which can't be tested through blood tests, you will start to see things in a better light.

 

[neardeath]

Hello Near-Death, that's great of you.

I wish I'd knew something I could be interested and participate in and that enables some social interaction and meeting people. Anything's better then dwelling behind a computer for much longer, that's for sure. The gym is also a pretty anti-social place for me, everyone just does their thing. I really crave talking to people.
You've inspired me to look for activities in my town. I don't know anything right now, but I can atleast take a look at some options. I've thought about this for longer, but never really turned my words and thoughts to actual deeds. If I am to ever get out of this depression, it's clear that some action has to be taken.

P.S. The curling crowd was the easiest and kindest bunch I have ever met. There was NEVER any gossip in the crowd. Even better than the liberal and inclusive church I attend. They were laid back and brought their drinks out on the ice, ONLY there to have a good time and laugh. They always have a bar (which loosens them up - I was not interested in the drinking, but it made THEM easier to socialize with).

I only say this because new experiences are hard for us, but you never know what you're going to find! I was so impressed with those people. I didn't do it again the second year, but I kept my equipment, and think about going back.

Another thing I do is keep a journal for only one thing; writing down the things I do that are healthy, challenging, and enjoyable. Nothing else goes in that book. It is so helpful to remind myself I am doing my best to survive and try to enjoy a few things while I'm here. I decided that the suicidal thoughts were no longer an option, so this helps me to live another day.

Every place I go is a major undertaking, but when I "stick my neck out," it's always worth it in some respect. Go for it! :thumbup: