Agoraphobic about to fly out of the country alone

[seafolly]

First post...hi...!

For the sake of efficiency I'm going to condense my background as much as possible. At 16 I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. I started therapy and medication immediately and within a few months was back at school. Though I was never 100% normal I did well enough to enjoy my last couple of years of high school. When I went to university I flourished for the most part, despite some dips along the road. However, in 2007, I started to faint from anxiety. Slowly I pulled away from situations that would leave me "unprotected" in a public situation and soon was unable to leave my apartment without a housemate. I was pulled from university for a semester to supposedly get better. I didn't. A transfer happened to keep me closer to home and I'm currently at rock bottom at age 25. While friends are getting married and earning PhD's I'm still struggling with my undergrad as I rarely show up for class. I can't. Agoraphobia rules my life.

My dilemma: In 12 days I'm scheduled to be on a plane from Ontario to Virginia. Not too far. But you're looking at a girl who celebrates if she takes a walk around the block alone. I flew to Cuba a few months ago but was with someone the entire time. And I really depended on him. Those security/customs booths that separate you was only a minute or two long but it was excruciating. Anyway, I'm making this trip alone. And I already am fighting panic attacks just thinking about it. The security guards, the waiting lounge, the lineups...I'm scared to faint. It's happened many times before. So I suppose my question to any of you with agoraphobia is, have you been tossed into a situation like this before? From being a total hermit to trying to do something completely normal and knowing you're completely on your own? I need a plan of action other than reading books (I won't focus) or listening to music (the plane will be too loud to hear). Or I just need to hear other experiences. I'm just plain terrified. And years of therapy seem to amount to nothing as I can barely cope with the anxiety NOW. What will it be like when I'm faced with it? :/

 

[seafolly]

A little poking around on the Air Canada website revealed that they have accommodations for people like me. They've flagged my file and I'll have an attendant with me during the whole process until boarding the plane. Though he/she will be a total stranger I'm awfully relieved. I just feel a little sorry for them. Most people tell me if I didn't point it out, they'd never know I was sick. This person no doubt will be wishing they were doing more productive things with their time. :/ Ah well, things look better than they did yesterday that's for sure.

 

[Tuco]

I'm glad you're more relieved now, good luck, I wish you the best.

 

[seafolly]

Thank you! I must admit I'm wishing for my dignity back but I lost that years ago.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

aww! don't even fret about the person who will be sticking with you before you board your flight! don't think that they will be thinking negatively, 99% actually DO like helping others! i'm sure if they have people assigned to help those just like us, that they are experienced in it, anyway! you'll be fine

i know you said you've done therapy and all, but like you said.. nothing can really make your anxiety just go away! you have to KNOW what is going on, and KNOW that it will pass, because it will, it simply cannot last forever.. think positively, tell yourself good things even if you don't believe them! seriously.. whenever you have a negative thought, tell it to shut up and replace it with a better thought.. keep telling yourself the good things! planes suck, and it's even common for 'normal people' to feel anxious about airports/airplanes, you're definitely not alone! if you're standing there feeling panic come on, just accept it.. "okay, i'm panicky, i'm freaked out.. oh well, all i can do now is go on with it anyway" ..push yourself through your anxiety. accept it and move on to the next thing... when i'm freaking out, it never fails, i always say "damn... i feel crappy and panicky... guess i have to wait it out.. okay" and i just move my thoughs somewhere else, force myself to listen to someone talking, think about random things, and before i know it i'm thinking to myself "hm.. i don't feel so bad anymore"

anyway.. i wish you the very best and if i come up with any better advice, i'll let you know hehe

 

[seafolly]

Thanks for your reply, Katie!

I sure hope you're right. I also hope they don't mind silly conversation as if they're going to act like a mere bodyguard, well, that won't help in the slightest, haha. I often find that talking to people, doesn't matter who, is a great distraction from those anxiety-ridden thoughts of ours.

One of the many therapists I had said something very similar to what you wrote and I must agree it really can help! "It's just anxiety" is supposed to by my mantra and I'll admit it can help. But then the other voice pops in, "You've fainted from anxiety several times before, and hey, you're in a major airport with people who will want to send you to the hospital and you'll miss your flight. Enjoy!" It's fighting that that's been my downfall as I can't come up with anything better than, "Just because it happened before doesn't mean it will happen now." I must say that one doesn't help so much. :/ The silly thing is I've flown several times alone before with no issues whatsoever but it was during my few years during which I had a solid handle on managing the anxiety and barely noticed it. But nothing about this is logical, haha.

Thanks for those tips! I know if I catch it early enough it will help. Minus the fear of fainting but again, early enough, and it won't escalate!

 

[seafolly]

14 hours...

 

[coyote]

Good Luck!!!!

 

[seafolly]

I sent this to my family/friends last night:

Air Canada failed to do anything other than indicate I have issues and since it wasn't on my boarding pass it counted for nothing. Camilla (lovely girl Dad left me with) could only take me to security behind the doors where I got some major attitude from the supervisor security guard who was called over. He grilled me on everything from my name to what lenses I have in my bag. He basically said, "You look fine. What's with the special treatment?" No one knows what agoraphobia is so I had to explain it to each new person. And there were a lot. The customs guy was downright bitter as Camilla got me past the customs line (where I was grilled with like 50 people watching) and asked, "Agoraphobia? What's that, a fear of lines?" He basically repeated all the random supervisor did. Things did not start well. Then whoever was actually supposed to assist me never showed up. And Camilla was not allowed past security. So she waited with me for half an hour as she tried to flag down anyone who would take an interest. In the end I got paired with an attendant walking by with someone in a wheelchair. So that was a long walk to that woman's gate. Then I got pawned off onto someone else. And she basically said Air Canada doesn't have any sort of service that works with people like me and I was pretty much on my own since I'm not a minor. So then I was ditched. At my gate I was paged to the front to board first and the woman taking boarding passes asked loudly why I was being boarded first. The room was quiet as clearly everyone else was interested too. So I was pretty humiliated to have to declare my disorder and what it means in front of all those passengers (and the airport really if you compound all the events). I'm going to interject that I have no idea how to summarize agoraphobia that is accurate for everyone so it became, "Fear of leaving the house and a tendency to faint when doing so." by the tenth person. Naturally at that point I was close to tears but held it in until I actually got on the plane. Thank god for hats.

So that's that then. I'm not coming back to Canada. Jerks.

(the photo: Anika had this star waiting on the wall of my room -> "gold star for pure awesomeness!") Not feeling so awesome though. That was too much. Yeah it sucks to have a physical disability but at least it's obvious and people don't dare make a mockery of you. Mental? You're fair game.

Anyway, people are still pounding around (Anika and Jordan's house is grand central even at this hour despite the fact that they went to sleep two hours ago) but I'm going to try and sleep it off. :/

B <3



(photo I referred to because my friend is a sweetheart)

 

[Tuco]

I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to go through all this, from having to explain your situation to everyone in the airport to Air Canada not providing the service they initially claimed they provided. It all sounds horrible, but this experience is over now, and you survived, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or at least that's what they say. I wish I could tell you something or give you some kind of advice that you could use to improve your situation, but all I can say is keep fighting, never give up.

 

[coyote]

Next time, just wear dark sunglasses and carry a white stick.

All you need to say is that you "need assistance", and let them make any other assumptions they may choose to.... :]

 

[DarkPhoenix]

Considering how much money you pay to use their services you would think airport staff would be a little more helpful, the "oh you look fine to me" mentality of some people is infuriating isn't it? Hope you're doing ok now though

 

[seafolly]

Thank you SO much for the messages of support. I'm very sorry for leaving the story like that.

Coyote is very, very close to what Air Canada suggested! Basically they decided, after hearing this experience, that they couldn't handle it. Instead, I was to use a wheelchair starting at check-in and FAKE a physical disability in order to get respect from employees. How incredibly sad is that? I was so upset and angered by the concept that even today we still aren't recognized or respected to such an extent that I went into the airport with the mindset I would turn the chair away. I had a whole schpiel prepared that boiled down to, "I'm not faking a physical disability to justify my mental one." I didn't get the chance because...GASP...there was no chair. They bailed on their own suggestion. Is anyone truly surprised? So that was completely solo and in that instance it was a much smoother experience albeit rather terrifying.

So my advice to those with similar issues is try and figure out what you're truly incapable of and go from there. In my case it was not worth notifying the airport of my agoraphobia (obviously) and I would never ever do it again. I preferred the risk of fainting alone and would deal with that hurdle if it came. If you can't, go for the physical disability because most people are still incredibly ignorant.