A story, change, frustration, loneliness.

[Errordotocx]

Hey there, my name is Brian and I am 21 years old. I've been signed up for these forums for nearly a year now had have been wanting to share my story as well as ask a question thats rather got me confused, but I was too afraid until recently because this name I use is used for so much of my other stuff on the internet that I didn't want anyone I know to stumble over it. But i've got to the point where I don't care now because I finally want to just get this all off my chest so I can hopefully relax. I am also unsure if I have SA, a slight case of SA or maybe i'm just shy. I'm almost certain at one time I had SA but i'm trying to cure it so I am not quite so sure anymore. Thanks for reading.

To get an idea of my early childhood. I was pretty much always a quiet kid and occasionally got picked on. I found comfort in playing games, though this caused weight gain. I was always a bigger kid I guess you could say. I occasionally got picked on here and there all the way up through 9th grade in which lowered my self esteem even lower. Not only that but I had a lot of weight gain and in 8th grade I started developing really bad acne, gained more weight. Which only made things even worse.

9th and 10th grade were perhaps THE worst years of my life. Old friends turned their back on me and basically always made an example of me in front of all the other kids. At this time I accepted the harassment so I could just have a few people to call friends. 10th grade came and I started experimenting with drugs to just fit in. I hoped I would find a connection with a few new people and the old friends I had. I did, and I opened up and it soon turned on me as they only made a more example of me in front others. I was subjected to so much harassment that I just kept pushing people further away and becoming even more quiet as well as inflicting self mutilation on myself and many thoughts of suicide. Not only that but my acne was only getting worse and I never really had anyone to talk to and of course I never had a girlfriend.

11th and 12th grade wasn't too bad as I seemed to change a little. I found new friends, and I found a game in which I connected very much with. Which was World of Warcraft. I developed many online friendships and I soon found those to be better than nearly any real life friend I had so I just sat and played all day every day. In the summer of 2007 my grandmother died and I blocked out nearly everyone around me as I was extremely depressed. I just played the game all day. Never did anything else.

After a few months of me not really talking to anyone and never going anywhere. My sister and a few of my remaining friends came into my room and really asked me what the hell I was doing. Wasting my life playing a game. Even though they had and still don't know the reason I played it, I agreed that something had to change. I was nearly friendless, still had no girlfriend, acne although not as bad...was still bad and now weighed over 300lbs. From that day I promised myself I was going to change myself physically and mentally.

Now, basically two years later. I have put an extreme amount of work into what I had promised. I now go to the gym five to six days and have seriously dropped about 100lbs and gained a lot of muscle mass. My personality has changed so much I am almost a different person. I've patched stuff up with friends, and other friends patch things up with me. I am also told I have changed so much physically and mentally and although I have not quite met my personal goal just yet, 2009 i'm shooting for the stars.

Now while this sounds like some kind of weight loss success story and absolutely nothing to do with SA or shyness. You've got to remember all the damage from the past years. While I have fixed a lot and will continue to fix even more. My quietness has never completely gone away. I am much more verbal now but I still fall back to the old me at times. Beginning late 2007 after I started 'the change'. I forced myself to work in a retail store where I would be require to talk nearly all the time. This as well has helped but again I still fall back to the old me at times. Big crowds I generally feel intimidated and would rather blend in then be in the spotlight if that makes sense. Meeting and talking to new people I still get what I believe is anxiety as it feels like extreme fear at times and I occasionally trip over myself as I speak. Speaking with the ladies, especially if I find them attractive, I feel extreme pressure to not make myself look like an idiot. Which in the end I generally fail and it just makes it worse. Though my acne still plays a part in this nervousness, though it's cleared up a lot now and continues to. It still tends to get semi bad here and there and kills my self esteem for awhile.

But to cut to the chase, what actually drove me here to post more than anything is that in the past few weeks I have become exceedingly lonely and wanting a girlfriend now more than ever. It's really got to me the past couple of days and i've been extremely depressed and angry with myself. I am 21 now and of course still a virgin, but it's not even necessarily about sex. Yeah, i'm sure it's great. But i'm getting the feeling of not having anyone close to share personal things with...to love...to be loved back...to care for...to BE cared for...someone to make happy...someone to make smile or laugh. It just drives the hatred in myself even further. I'm not even necessarily picky in which girls I find attractive either. Sure I have a set of standards just like everyone else but I tend to base more on personality rather than looks. I'm a nice guy, i'm a caring guy and i'm told this by so many people and I just want to open up and try. But during my high-school years I opened up to several girls to only be shot down and hurt. I might be different now, but that all still replays in my mind. I'm lost as it always seems that the odds are against me. It seems girls always go for the big ripped guys that can sweet talk them into doing anything rather than a nice guy thats always there. I get to thinking about all this so much it becomes just a cluster**** of things in my head to the point of where I just can't take it.

Hopefully someone can make some sense of all this. While i'm changing a lot, I hide my real feelings every day and of course never discuss my possibility of having SA as everyone I know just dismisses SA or even anxiety as something that you can 'easily' fix. Though if they only knew how I felt in the past I am sure they would disagree. Welp, I will be looking forward to the replys and hopefully find a few answers to what i'm asking. Maybe i'll meet a few new people here or find a long lost answer. Either way, thanks for reading this.

Peace.

 

[sabbath92003]

congrats and welcome Brian!

seems like your on the right path, keep improving and putting yourself out there

hopefully a wonderful girl will see through the anxiousness and like you for who you are

 

[Havocan]

I have become exceedingly lonely and wanting a girlfriend now more than ever. It's really got to me the past couple of days and i've been extremely depressed and angry with myself. I am 21 now and of course still a virgin, but it's not even necessarily about sex. Yeah, i'm sure it's great. But i'm getting the feeling of not having anyone close to share personal things with...to love...to be loved back...to care for...to BE cared for...someone to make happy...someone to make smile or laugh.

Sounds pretty much like me, I'm also feeling lonely and want a girlfriend. But don't delude yourself, you want to shag a girl as much as the rest of the guys here want, though you might value the love and closeness over the sexual intimacy, right {just theorizing here, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong}? The only advise here is actually to face your fears and go out and meet new people, try to socialise as much as possible, work with your shyness and quietness and try to be satisfied with yourself {that's actually the key to becoming successful, to believe in yourself. An enormous cliché, yes, but nevertheless true}. Keep in mind that a girl can't fix your problems, only help you on your way. But, as I said, I know the feeling^^.

 

[kayelle]

It took you two years to get yourself in shape, and you did a great job and you've almost achieved that goal, and now you can be happier with yourself and how you look.
So now do the same thing with your SA! There's no point getting frustrated about it, do the same thing you did for the last two years with your appearance. Take little steps into the world. Start going for a drink in a bar, trying to spend more time around groups of people, all of that, and gradually you can start doing things like talking to girls in bars or taking up an activity like night classes where you can meet people and make friends and meet someone.
Don't get down on yourself, just look at the amazing dedication and patience you've had with yourself the last two years and see how much you've achieved, and now apply that to a different and even wider area of your life.

 

[Errordotocx]

But don't delude yourself, you want to shag a girl as much as the rest of the guys here want, though you might value the love and closeness over the sexual intimacy, right {just theorizing here, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong}

It was late when I wrote that, and I had also rewrote it all several times to get it right. But yeah I won't delude myself. Yes, yes I do. You pretty much got it exactly.

Take little steps into the world. Start going for a drink in a bar, trying to spend more time around groups of people, all of that, and gradually you can start doing things like talking to girls in bars or taking up an activity like night classes where you can meet people and make friends and meet someone.
Don't get down on yourself, just look at the amazing dedication and patience you've had with yourself the last two years and see how much you've achieved, and now apply that to a different and even wider area of your life.

I understand what you mean and believe me I am already working on it. I DO go to partys and clubs. It's another way of forcing myself to interact in some way, to be honest I was busy all weekend with some beerpong partys and a few other events. I CAN make discussion with people and I generally do, but often times like I said i'll trip up or of course run of stuff to say and feel completely akward. But then theres those times where I just really feel out of place and don't do any talking at all. I mean I want too...but i'm rather unsure of how to enter the conversation or anything. Thats also why i'm confused if I like have spots of SA at times, or maybe i'm just shy or something. I've also carried on conversations with girls an alright amount of times but I always feel so uptight when I do as to not say something wrong, but then i'm generally told I look really nervous...in which I am. Other than that, denial and rejection don't work well with me either which is another setback along with me over-complicating things. I suppose another thing that really is helping me out is I somehow am friends with extremely social people, so often times I end up socializing even if I don't want to.

Really, I guess if I try to view it from a positive viewpoint I really just need to put work in and force myself out there. It's not easy but it can be done and damn it I will do it. Since I wrote the first post my depression I was feeling has lifted, although it will probably return in a month or two. All my friends tell me i'll get a girlfriend and they are all offering to help...in various ways...so I think things will work out in the end. Just gotta do the work.