I never realize how severe my anxiety was until now. So far, it's affected my sleep, appetite, and well being. I believe my anxiety was caused by a number of things (which you already can guess by now) and now I think it's finally caught up to me after all these years. Dealing with insomnia isn't much better either. I'm trying my hardest to overcome this and am trying to help myself the best I can... but when you're 22 years old and still trying to figure out where you belong in this world, it feels like a lifetime. Literally. I felt alone as a child and I still feel alone now. I have been trying to take up opportunities I thought would benefit me, like going to group therapy or art class, but it never lasts long. Either I don't get along with anyone or I unintentionally hurt someone else's feelings which causes me to stop going to these places... that's a long story though. I just want a good experience for once.
I felt like I've cried over a thousand times because these things happen to me so often... just when I think I'm making progress, something bad happens and I end up back to square one again. I can kinda predict when a situation's gonna turn out wrong but due to my stupidity I keep going to these places anyways... because I didn't want to let go of an opportunity that would help long term wise. I'm honestly scared for my future right now. I don't know what's causing me (and others) to get the sh^t end of the stick so much. Something in this world is torturing me. An unknown force. I guess being good and hardworking leads you to the darkest places you could never imagine...
I know you'll say it's better not expect much from others or that isolation is a gift... I mean I used to believe that too until I realized how much damage I was doing to myself doing that; absorbing people's harsh criticism, being the caretaker all the time because I felt it was right to help people (even when they made jokes about how I was a slave/maid), isolating myself in my room day after day, being suppressed (and even scolded at) for having emotions, my therapists ignoring me when I cried to them about what I was struggling with at home, friends who never called me back after months after I put so much effort in the relationship, growing up in a detached family, and the lack of affection most of all is what kills me. All these things keep adding up.
I felt for so long I deserved this. I do have a part time job by the way but it's the same as always. The only person I can really communicate with is my boss so far. I'm really, really , REALLY, trying my hardest to work around my shortcomings. Honestly. Could it be that I'm just one of those unlucky people who never get to see the good side of life? Besides going to the beach/pool (that is every once in a great while), I constantly think to myself how much time I wasted being the "helper". To my family. To my friends. To strangers even. Birthday parties are absolutely dreading for me now. I turn a year older and things still remain the same. Everyone else is so happy for me, meanwhile I feel like curling up into a ball and crying my eyes out.
I have NEVER done anything exciting as a teenager besides being homeschooled for 6-7 years of my life. I personally believe the lack of experience I have in life is a huge part of why I suck at social conversations. I can talk about something that happened on the news or what I did on vacation but it's always embarrassing to tell people that all I do is clean or go to appointments. I sometimes don't know if I'll make it. I really don't. As the years go by, and the older I get, I can see how much I'm gonna suffer once I deal with the outside world by myself. I've already felt like I've had an enormous weight on my shoulders for 22 years, surprisingly I haven't had a heart attack yet. No matter where I go, no matter who I meet, no matter what I do, it won't make a difference. I just go to a different place but I'll still run into the same problem as before. Why is that? And why is it that this problem keeps occurring every time I start a new opportunity somewhere? Haven't I suffered enough?? Haven't I been depressed about enough things already? And what's worse is that I don't know if I can change it. Or how to stop it. I literally have no control over how a situation plays out or the types of people I meet and it usually ends badly. All I get is punishment and it keeps clinging on to me for some unknown reason, just to remind me why I withdrew myself in the first place. It feels like you're being locked back in a cage. Sometimes, you just wanna give up.