'A hard life'

[Falkor]

Hello everybody, this is my daily journal. I am speaking about my life, emotions and the thoughts I am triggering, I have very severe SA and have got bipolar mood swings. I also deal with Borderline and I have a form of autism. I will describe a lot in my blog.

I wanna share a lot. so I can write it off my mind.

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1-11-2011 Tuesday - A heavy school day.

I am going to school after three years being agoraphic, afraid to go out.
Now I'm back in college and i'm dreading to go to school tomorrow.
Everynight, it's a true struggle, I'm writing this within a broken moment,
I think writing will help a lot, it's a release and a good help for everybody.

I wish I could just feel not so afraid....
It's because I want it just so bad to go all right. I am wishing to graduate, school is so important for me and especially to get a diploma. But I'm constantly terrified each day to just go there. I feel an urge of bringing up avoidance the next day every single night before. Like, that I will just stay just at home, Will I just hide myself again and feel sad everyday to miss out all the beautiful things, like I used to do?

I CAN'T STAND THIS FEELING. it's killing me inside. I tell myself to NEVER avoid my dreams. I want it so bad. It's also killing me, it's making me so anxious. I hyperventilate each second in class, I feel like my sight is getting weird and i'm getting sick from all the physical symptoms, like shaky hands and beating heart and chocking dizzy and being sick all time in class, anxiety does make you (feel like) an alien. Believe me.

I do have moments that I'm doing all right in class. I feel more at ease and I can laugh with the classmates. This is making me so happy that I am having good moments. I did sit with the classmates in the canteen even tho the canteen was sooo full of people. It is possible. I did help other classmates with work, i did get a compliment that I'm the best of class, I have a higher intelligence lever he told me. (teacher) I'm so happy and feel proud of the results, and feel grateful by his compliment, Though I can't still believe it since I'm still as surviving a journey.

But why do I have to feel so lost? I'm so fearful and it's making me feel scared.....

I cried today, actually I cried 5 times today. I cried the morning before going to school, I tried hiding my tears in the full bus, I was crying to the therapist who didn't understand me having a panic attack, I was crying to my dad that I'm dreaming of a life without panic.... And finally live my dreams, really live them.. Now I just SURVIVE them...

Also I cried just a few minutes ago. I started to realise like each day how much it takes to go thru this. I seriously want to get better.
I fight everyday, it's a real journey. I have Several social anxiety, I had street fear, not wanting to go to the mail box.

I am proud of improvement yes. I can now even reach further than the mail box.
I go to school every day, it's a miracle. that I do this again after all these years. It still is rough, but I have to say that it's GETTING better... Since I never could dream of being in school again, of course I dreamed of it EVERY SINGLE DAY.. when I saw those school kids cycling outside the house to their schools. and saw them cycling. It's so important to me..
It's a shame to be at home and miss out everything, will make you realise what you miss, and make you FIGHT SO HARD that you will DO EVERYTHING... someday!

I know that it gave me all the power to fight now.... I took all my courage together all these years and it brought me dreams to a higher level... It makes me feel things like true empathy.. I wanna help people so bad too if I ever reach the point I am climbing towards to....

I will definitely fight so hard.. To go to school tomorrow by bus and try to keep my head up. I will not worry to much about the results since my teacher is very proud of my work. I know I can do it, sometimes I just have to learn things like everybody else does. I can't know everything, I will never know everything, I can't ask myself the impossible (my girlfriend's quote<3) I will just do my best like I did before.

Tomorrow is a long school day, untill 2.45pm yep it's long for me.
I will keep you guys updated about tomorrow.

Thanks for reading everybody. Hope the emotional parts are okay.
That is just me. It's a part of me. I'm working on it, also. (acceptance=key to change)

Kindly Regards,
Saskia.

 

[Joh]

Amazing... currently studying over your biography !

 

[Tinkertoes]

I'm surprized....i mean, it sounds like someon e was writing fiction. its incredibly well written from my perspective. I wouldn't think anyone would hav to go through something like this. its great.

 

[Falkor]

Hi,

Thank you both. I'm happy you two liked the first journal.

2-11-2011 ----- Wednesday - Just let the ocean wave inside your soul

Hi everyone,
Today I woke up in the morning and like usually, I was having a tough moment of true despair and panic feelings. So I decided today, to take a day off and just relax. I know, I know, school is important for me. But it is wisely brought to me by a lot of people to tell me 'It's not a wonder if you have some bad days after three years of fighting in a cycle of depression, give yourself some time''.

So I listened to them today. It's hard to believe, that I will ever say ''Was this me, being afraid of those LITTLE things?'' Yeah, still those little things are like big capital words, I know. In fact it is little for some people, going to school is a daily need. Well, some people might not consider it as a need, or a well-factor of spending the day, but hey, some people really got the motivation to fight for a future and a good job. Who doesn't want to gain money? Or have a fun job, dream job?

For me, it is like a true passion. Learning and getting to know well at school. Good results and know the fact that things are working out. It is a release for me, if I have gotten a good mark, I am deeply honoured just because I know things are finally working out, it might has nothing to do with anxiety but perhaps it might be. Because I'm at school and that is a step, and getting a mark is like a sign of proof that I have stepped into the classroom and sat with a full class.

So, today I'll just relax. I just had a cup a soup and did some breathing exercises. I got the most wonderful relaxation techniques / methods yesterday. My coach is very well understanding and a real empath I would say. I will write about the first session in the next journal, I think this will be helping me so much due to my panic disorder. I'm still stuck on the road, but will not attack the ocean, just let the waves float.

Thanks for reading.

Much love,
Sassy.

 

[MikeyC]

I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, Saskia, just to go to school. I'm so proud of you for attempting it and having real goals...it must not be easy for you at all.

That's okay that you cried 6 times in one day. You know how hard it is so let all the emotions out. The fact that you're still going to school and suffering through all your fears is testament to how strong you actually are, and how little credit you give yourself.

I'll try to keep updated with this journal of hopeful personal growth and discovery. *hugs* <3

 

[Upanddownclown]

Amazing story! And incredibly brave for going back to school. Mikey C is right your also incredibly strong for facing up to your fears Keep it up!

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

Truly inspiring. I'm really impressed because I've gone through the same thing and I know it's really hard. Main thing is to just keep pushing through it. Heh, I guess I shouldn't really be giving advice that I don't follow since I dropped out of school again a couple of months ago (this is the third time, because of AvPD).
Good luck for the future ahead of you.