Here are a whole host of techniques I used to try to conquer social anxiety and shyness.
1. FLOODING
You need to dive into the feared situation without looking back. I did this heaps of times with the small things like talking on the phone with someone else around or checking the letterbox. You have to flood heaps of times before the anxiety gets better. As for the personal big ones for myself like approaching an opposite-sexed person I like or asserting myself to authority, it was just too hard and I had to resort to other techniques first. When I faced a fear my mind would first focus on to see if others were looking or were about to turn rejecting or critical and when it concluded they were then my attention would switch over to myself and social anxiety would start. I needed to realize that these were just thoughts and did not necessarily reflect reality. Once I got it I could just begin to get on with what I was doing instead of being preoccupied with the thought of others were staring or were being rejecting.
Flooding for social anxiety is a bit of a miss and hit affair because of self-consciousness and safety behaviours. Self-consciousness keeps the problem going because information will be biased toward negative appraisals of the self and others. Safety behaviours keep the problem going also because you do certain things to help ward off potential embarrassment and humiliation. Without those behaviours you feel threatened while with them you feel more secure. You might drink alcohol before an event. You might always stand near the back of the room behind everyone. You will never learn to see that these threats are really imagined or exaggerated if you don't allow yourself to behave differently andm ove out of your comfort zone. Therefore the problem of shyness and social anxiety remain when these 2 things are intact. Remove them and flooding has a better chance to work.
2. GRADUAL EXPOSURE
Start by smiling and making eye contact when saying hello and goodbye to cashiers. Ask for help in department stores where people work. Talk to them by asking questions. Make things up to keep the conversation flowing. Go to a restaurant and ask the waitress about the food. If you own a cb-radio, you might find a few people on the air which you can then talk to. Once you get used to all of this you can perhaps try to make it a goal of saying hello to one person each day. You might start saying hello to inanimate objects fist. Then try animals then maybe your own reflection. Imagine your reflection is a person. This is a good way to get your mind used to saying hello. Approach people to ask them for the time or directions. If this is all too hard, you might start chatting with people online. This is how I started gettig over my opposite-sex shyness. If sexual situations make you unconfortable you might try phone sex, then a strip club and you might try a even get yourself a lap dancer. Then finally you can go all the way and get a prostitute. Try approaching people you don't like or have no intention of dating. I found drunk women far easier to communicate with because I know they are more open to other people. Once this is all too easy, you can move up and onto more classy or sophisticated women. Try online dating perhaps.
You start off doing little things bit by bit. Try and come up with as many of your social fears as possible and number them from lowest to highest. Write them down and try to gradually reduce them. This is a good strategy because with each success you will feel a boost in your confidence to keep going. Really you should write your progress so that you don't forget! But really you should combine this with cognitive therapy.
3. EXTERNAL FOCUS
Whenever you feel social anxiety and your attention beginning to focus on yourself, realize that it is and redirect it onto something on the outside like
what someone is saying. You will need to practice this technique for a few weeks before it become significantly helpful. Just pick an object such as a shadow on the wall and gaze at it. When your mind wanders off realize it has wandered from the object and you can just easily redirect it back. Keep practicing this for a few weeks or until you can hold your attention on the object for at least 1 minute without distraction. Then you will have a powerful ability to help control acute attacks of social anxiety and self-consciousness because you can just keep holding your attention away from yourself and away from any unpleasant feelings and sensations. This technique is really great for seeing that people are not being judgemental or watchful like you may think they are.
Remember that realization is the way to redirect the mind back onto an object and that concentration is all mental effort; physical strain is not a sign of concentration.
4.BLANK MIND
Whenever you need to do something but it makes you anxious, say you need to go to the shop for something but you think people will laugh and insult you just try to toss all thoughts out of your mind. You might try to hold your attention on one thing to achieve this empty mindstate. Practice emptying your mind for a few weeks at anytime you wish. For example, if you want to get dressed hold your mind still and just get dressed without even thinking about it or what you are doing or about anything. It gets easier with practice. Then you will find that when you need to do something that makes you perhaps low to medium anxious you can just hold those thoughts out of your mind. If your real good, even the highly anxious thoughts can be held back. This is great for getting much needed exposure to chip away at those anxieties and get that exposure you need.
5. RESPONSE PREVENTION
When you get the urge to hide away or to quickly walk away from an event or somebody, hold back and stay put. Remind yourself that you are trying to see if the things you fear will happen will actually happen. This will help keep your mind focussed on reality. EXTERNAL FOCUS works great here. Realization of why you are doing this will help you out with staying put.
6. COGNITIVE FLOODING
Try to imagine yourself in a social situation that would provoke anxiety. Self-hypnosis and trance meditation are good ways to help you enhance imagination. This technique will help you confront your fears without facing the real thing. This all works because most of social anxiety is rooted in imagination. When you get anxiety while imagining just go with it. It will eventually burn itself out - just like FLOODING. Repeat this until no more anxiety is felt. Now hopefully when you do the same thing in the real world the anxiety will have also disappeared. Lucid dreaming the situation I found is a good way to get a full sensory experience. Just try to keep your mind alert while you let your body fall asleep. If you practice EXTERNAL FOCUS this will help you out to achieve this mind awake/body asleep state. Then you will just slip into a dream fully lucid. And while you are waiting for the dream to occur you can create the environment you want to be in. This lucid dreaming approach works better after sleeping for 5 - 6 hours.
This technique is perhaps the next best thing to real life exposure in helping out social anxiety. If you are not feeling genuine social axniety during the imagined scenario then the technique will probably not work.
7. IMAGE SUBSTITUTION
If you are thinking about doing something but all you keep seeing is people being judgemental or being told off, replace the negative image with a more positive one. An example may be one of the people looking pleased to see you or being friendly with you. Keep doing this until the negative image no longer appears or has begun to dissipate. This works better when you are mentally and physically relaxed.
I had to learn to accept that rejection and criticism was an inevitable part of social interaction - particularly the dating scene. I had to drop the assumption and expectation that everyone everywhere MUST except me no matter what. Reducing the impact that rejection has worked far better than trying to control other people through trying to behave how I thought they wanted me to behave - like just avoiding them.
8. MEMORY RESCRIPTING
If you are haunted be past memories of rejection and humiliation or being uncared for then imagine the painful scenario as vividly as possible. Try to get the original feels to occur. Then imagine you are someone else, someone powerful and enter the scene. Talk back to the people mistreating the "you" in the scence. Tell them off and point out the wrong they are doing and that they are being unfair. At this point, I would feel lilke crying or felt really special because someone was standing up for me. Anyway, then comfort and nurture the "you" and explain the reason they were doing that was to try and cause hurt. If you were bullied or had parents who were critical or punitive or uncaring then this can really work by repairing the damaged child within you. Another way of trying to rescript memory is to get yourself into a good mood then recall the painful memory or experience. This should help rewrite the memory so that it is associated with a good mood. But in any case, the emotional memeory of an event is the vital part that needs to be changed.
When the powerful figure confronts the tormentor you can try to forgive the person. I found forgiveness helps the healing process far better than anger and hatred.
9. Feared Fantasy
Imagine yourself in any social situation you fear and imagine the things you fear actually happen such as people laughing about you being quiet or having no partner or whatever it is. These people rip your heart out exposing all your shame and humiliating you. They deliberately hurt you. Now you start talking
back. Where is the evidence for these things ? What are the justifications for these accusations ? To take the edge off the peak, you can agree with the people in what they say. You can also try EMPATHY, SELF-ACCEPTANCE and COMPASSION, or COMPENSATION if you like. You will learn about those later on. It is probably best to write out a script for this.
CRITIC: Cheez your such a loser aren't you ? Let's see: you have no girlfriend, you've never kissed a girl, and your still a bloody virgin. What have you been doing with your sad, patheric life ?
TARGET: Well when you look at my life through the lens of the culture of this country, you will see me as sad and pathetic.
CRITIC: If I were you I'd have shot or hung myself 20 years ago.
TARGET: Well that's shows the difference between you and me, doesn't it ? You're life without those things is far more meaningless than mine.
CRITIC: It sure does, you can't even get laid even if you wanted to!
TARGET: Your absolutely correct. I've wanted to get laid for years but am just incapable of it.
CRITIC: Well have you even tried ?
TARGET: Sort of but I usually chicken out.
CRITIC: Wait a minute. How can you be 40 years old and have not been laid once. You MUST be gay.
TARGET: Gay ? Nope! I just have no real technique and just know I will end up making a fool of myself all the time and then just get rejected.
CRITIC: You are one serious LOSER!
TARGET: You're not wrong there! I have been a loser all my life when it comes to the ladies. You got any tips ?
CRITIC: You're 40 man! How am I going to help YOU ?
TARGET: Well let's say I was your age what would you tell me ?
CRITIC: I don't know, just go for it.
TARGET: Thanks!
CRITIC: Your welcome.
Congtratulations. You have successfully neutralized the critic.
You should apply these to your negative beliefs, assumptions and rules that you uncover while doing cbt and find ways to "roll" or put others to shame when they start critizing you for your personal problems or deviant lifestyle.
10. REJECTION PRACTICE
Instead of trying to get a date or phone number make it your goal to get rejected. Your job is to approach someone and just say hello, how are you...my name is. You might then just decide to talk about something really boring. You are trying to see how many times you get rejected. Perhaps make it a goal to get rejected 10 times in one night. If you are afraid you will end up in an awkward conversation or moment, just say thankyou for your time after telling them your name and just walk off. The change in your own motivation for approaching someone can alter how you will react significantly. If approaching the opposite sex is too difficult you might just ask people for the time but remember you are trying to see how many times you will be rejected.
1. FLOODING
You need to dive into the feared situation without looking back. I did this heaps of times with the small things like talking on the phone with someone else around or checking the letterbox. You have to flood heaps of times before the anxiety gets better. As for the personal big ones for myself like approaching an opposite-sexed person I like or asserting myself to authority, it was just too hard and I had to resort to other techniques first. When I faced a fear my mind would first focus on to see if others were looking or were about to turn rejecting or critical and when it concluded they were then my attention would switch over to myself and social anxiety would start. I needed to realize that these were just thoughts and did not necessarily reflect reality. Once I got it I could just begin to get on with what I was doing instead of being preoccupied with the thought of others were staring or were being rejecting.
Flooding for social anxiety is a bit of a miss and hit affair because of self-consciousness and safety behaviours. Self-consciousness keeps the problem going because information will be biased toward negative appraisals of the self and others. Safety behaviours keep the problem going also because you do certain things to help ward off potential embarrassment and humiliation. Without those behaviours you feel threatened while with them you feel more secure. You might drink alcohol before an event. You might always stand near the back of the room behind everyone. You will never learn to see that these threats are really imagined or exaggerated if you don't allow yourself to behave differently andm ove out of your comfort zone. Therefore the problem of shyness and social anxiety remain when these 2 things are intact. Remove them and flooding has a better chance to work.
2. GRADUAL EXPOSURE
Start by smiling and making eye contact when saying hello and goodbye to cashiers. Ask for help in department stores where people work. Talk to them by asking questions. Make things up to keep the conversation flowing. Go to a restaurant and ask the waitress about the food. If you own a cb-radio, you might find a few people on the air which you can then talk to. Once you get used to all of this you can perhaps try to make it a goal of saying hello to one person each day. You might start saying hello to inanimate objects fist. Then try animals then maybe your own reflection. Imagine your reflection is a person. This is a good way to get your mind used to saying hello. Approach people to ask them for the time or directions. If this is all too hard, you might start chatting with people online. This is how I started gettig over my opposite-sex shyness. If sexual situations make you unconfortable you might try phone sex, then a strip club and you might try a even get yourself a lap dancer. Then finally you can go all the way and get a prostitute. Try approaching people you don't like or have no intention of dating. I found drunk women far easier to communicate with because I know they are more open to other people. Once this is all too easy, you can move up and onto more classy or sophisticated women. Try online dating perhaps.
You start off doing little things bit by bit. Try and come up with as many of your social fears as possible and number them from lowest to highest. Write them down and try to gradually reduce them. This is a good strategy because with each success you will feel a boost in your confidence to keep going. Really you should write your progress so that you don't forget! But really you should combine this with cognitive therapy.
3. EXTERNAL FOCUS
Whenever you feel social anxiety and your attention beginning to focus on yourself, realize that it is and redirect it onto something on the outside like
what someone is saying. You will need to practice this technique for a few weeks before it become significantly helpful. Just pick an object such as a shadow on the wall and gaze at it. When your mind wanders off realize it has wandered from the object and you can just easily redirect it back. Keep practicing this for a few weeks or until you can hold your attention on the object for at least 1 minute without distraction. Then you will have a powerful ability to help control acute attacks of social anxiety and self-consciousness because you can just keep holding your attention away from yourself and away from any unpleasant feelings and sensations. This technique is really great for seeing that people are not being judgemental or watchful like you may think they are.
Remember that realization is the way to redirect the mind back onto an object and that concentration is all mental effort; physical strain is not a sign of concentration.
4.BLANK MIND
Whenever you need to do something but it makes you anxious, say you need to go to the shop for something but you think people will laugh and insult you just try to toss all thoughts out of your mind. You might try to hold your attention on one thing to achieve this empty mindstate. Practice emptying your mind for a few weeks at anytime you wish. For example, if you want to get dressed hold your mind still and just get dressed without even thinking about it or what you are doing or about anything. It gets easier with practice. Then you will find that when you need to do something that makes you perhaps low to medium anxious you can just hold those thoughts out of your mind. If your real good, even the highly anxious thoughts can be held back. This is great for getting much needed exposure to chip away at those anxieties and get that exposure you need.
5. RESPONSE PREVENTION
When you get the urge to hide away or to quickly walk away from an event or somebody, hold back and stay put. Remind yourself that you are trying to see if the things you fear will happen will actually happen. This will help keep your mind focussed on reality. EXTERNAL FOCUS works great here. Realization of why you are doing this will help you out with staying put.
6. COGNITIVE FLOODING
Try to imagine yourself in a social situation that would provoke anxiety. Self-hypnosis and trance meditation are good ways to help you enhance imagination. This technique will help you confront your fears without facing the real thing. This all works because most of social anxiety is rooted in imagination. When you get anxiety while imagining just go with it. It will eventually burn itself out - just like FLOODING. Repeat this until no more anxiety is felt. Now hopefully when you do the same thing in the real world the anxiety will have also disappeared. Lucid dreaming the situation I found is a good way to get a full sensory experience. Just try to keep your mind alert while you let your body fall asleep. If you practice EXTERNAL FOCUS this will help you out to achieve this mind awake/body asleep state. Then you will just slip into a dream fully lucid. And while you are waiting for the dream to occur you can create the environment you want to be in. This lucid dreaming approach works better after sleeping for 5 - 6 hours.
This technique is perhaps the next best thing to real life exposure in helping out social anxiety. If you are not feeling genuine social axniety during the imagined scenario then the technique will probably not work.
7. IMAGE SUBSTITUTION
If you are thinking about doing something but all you keep seeing is people being judgemental or being told off, replace the negative image with a more positive one. An example may be one of the people looking pleased to see you or being friendly with you. Keep doing this until the negative image no longer appears or has begun to dissipate. This works better when you are mentally and physically relaxed.
I had to learn to accept that rejection and criticism was an inevitable part of social interaction - particularly the dating scene. I had to drop the assumption and expectation that everyone everywhere MUST except me no matter what. Reducing the impact that rejection has worked far better than trying to control other people through trying to behave how I thought they wanted me to behave - like just avoiding them.
8. MEMORY RESCRIPTING
If you are haunted be past memories of rejection and humiliation or being uncared for then imagine the painful scenario as vividly as possible. Try to get the original feels to occur. Then imagine you are someone else, someone powerful and enter the scene. Talk back to the people mistreating the "you" in the scence. Tell them off and point out the wrong they are doing and that they are being unfair. At this point, I would feel lilke crying or felt really special because someone was standing up for me. Anyway, then comfort and nurture the "you" and explain the reason they were doing that was to try and cause hurt. If you were bullied or had parents who were critical or punitive or uncaring then this can really work by repairing the damaged child within you. Another way of trying to rescript memory is to get yourself into a good mood then recall the painful memory or experience. This should help rewrite the memory so that it is associated with a good mood. But in any case, the emotional memeory of an event is the vital part that needs to be changed.
When the powerful figure confronts the tormentor you can try to forgive the person. I found forgiveness helps the healing process far better than anger and hatred.
9. Feared Fantasy
Imagine yourself in any social situation you fear and imagine the things you fear actually happen such as people laughing about you being quiet or having no partner or whatever it is. These people rip your heart out exposing all your shame and humiliating you. They deliberately hurt you. Now you start talking
back. Where is the evidence for these things ? What are the justifications for these accusations ? To take the edge off the peak, you can agree with the people in what they say. You can also try EMPATHY, SELF-ACCEPTANCE and COMPASSION, or COMPENSATION if you like. You will learn about those later on. It is probably best to write out a script for this.
CRITIC: Cheez your such a loser aren't you ? Let's see: you have no girlfriend, you've never kissed a girl, and your still a bloody virgin. What have you been doing with your sad, patheric life ?
TARGET: Well when you look at my life through the lens of the culture of this country, you will see me as sad and pathetic.
CRITIC: If I were you I'd have shot or hung myself 20 years ago.
TARGET: Well that's shows the difference between you and me, doesn't it ? You're life without those things is far more meaningless than mine.
CRITIC: It sure does, you can't even get laid even if you wanted to!
TARGET: Your absolutely correct. I've wanted to get laid for years but am just incapable of it.
CRITIC: Well have you even tried ?
TARGET: Sort of but I usually chicken out.
CRITIC: Wait a minute. How can you be 40 years old and have not been laid once. You MUST be gay.
TARGET: Gay ? Nope! I just have no real technique and just know I will end up making a fool of myself all the time and then just get rejected.
CRITIC: You are one serious LOSER!
TARGET: You're not wrong there! I have been a loser all my life when it comes to the ladies. You got any tips ?
CRITIC: You're 40 man! How am I going to help YOU ?
TARGET: Well let's say I was your age what would you tell me ?
CRITIC: I don't know, just go for it.
TARGET: Thanks!
CRITIC: Your welcome.
Congtratulations. You have successfully neutralized the critic.
You should apply these to your negative beliefs, assumptions and rules that you uncover while doing cbt and find ways to "roll" or put others to shame when they start critizing you for your personal problems or deviant lifestyle.
10. REJECTION PRACTICE
Instead of trying to get a date or phone number make it your goal to get rejected. Your job is to approach someone and just say hello, how are you...my name is. You might then just decide to talk about something really boring. You are trying to see how many times you get rejected. Perhaps make it a goal to get rejected 10 times in one night. If you are afraid you will end up in an awkward conversation or moment, just say thankyou for your time after telling them your name and just walk off. The change in your own motivation for approaching someone can alter how you will react significantly. If approaching the opposite sex is too difficult you might just ask people for the time but remember you are trying to see how many times you will be rejected.
