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Old 03-26-2008
shield's Avatar
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1) They don't stick to a plan of action- this is the number one reason why people with sp will never get better. Either they don't take any action or they take action for a while and then quit because its too painful or because they aren't making progress. Alternatively they are inconsistent with their actions working in fits and spurts. Consistency and persistence gets results.

2) They don't take baby steps- people with social anxiety push themselves too hard to do somthing that is too far beyond their comfort zone instead of building up gradually. The result is that the individual will not be consistent because they will dread repeating this activity. The solution is to start small and build up like with weight training. Over a year progress will be huge and after 2 years you will be totally over sp.

3) They think there is somthing wrong with them- people with sp have many excuses why they are different from other people and why they wont get better. I'm too ugly, I'm too stupid, I have a bad personality. The only difference between you and others is you have sp nothing else. There are plenty of people who have everything you have but who are leading great lives. Your negative views come from poor treatment by others. This may have been caused by a number of factors but not by anything that is intrinsically wrong with you.

4) They compare themselves to others- Comparing yourself to others is probably the best way to decrease your self-esteem. It is one of the worst and most damaging things you can do and it has very serious consequences on your well being. Now that you know this decide never to compare yourself to others. Just worry about your own progress and stop looking at other people.

5) They are result oriented rather than process oriented- People with SP have a tendency to focus on making friends or getting a girlfriend/boyfriend instead of working on building social skills gradually. You are unlikely to develop relationships quickly. This is a process and forming a relationship is an end goal which may take several years to accomplish. It is better to accept your current status of being single and alone and learn to like it. You can be happy with this. It is not terrible to be alone. Focus on and enjoy the process of building your social confidence and skills because you may not get results in a hurry.

6) Magic Pill- People in general look for magic pills to solve their problems. This is loser thinking. There are no magic pills or quick fixes. work in=reward out. Get that formula into your head because its the only thing that works. The harder and longer you work at this and the more sacrifices you make the better you will get.
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Old 03-26-2008
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Yeah I have to agree with the points here. In fact, I think anyone recovering from sp has to remind themselves every day of these things, if he/she wants to get over it. Because it's very easy to get overwhelmed and fall back into your old usual self-destructive thought processes if you don't stay on top of them. It's also easy to procrastinate after a while. I'm currently on month 2 of CBT and part of me is disappointed that I have hardly made any progress. Well.... what do I expect? That 2 months is enough to cure what has persisted for 20 years? Nuh uh. You gotta be mega-patient and just focus on the -little- piss ant progressions you make everyday - even if it's just simply talking to the clerk in a corner store, or calling someone, or going to the mall alone one day. It all adds up eventually - but you gotta keep your mind as healthy as you can or it's not gonna count.
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Old 03-26-2008
Lea
 

Shield there is certainly much truth in what you write but do you think SP would go away if people eliminated these mistakes or thinking patterns? I know from my experience that it wouldnīt. You can change a lot, thatīs true, but your shyness remains. Did you ever have SA yourself? Things are often not as plain and easy as they look.
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Old 03-26-2008
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I had SA bad. You are wrong. Your shyness will disappear if you confront your social fears on a regular basis for a long enough period of time. I'm 100% on this. If you are still feeling shy then its probably because you have done one of the things mentioned above.
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Old 03-26-2008
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Yar the whole positive thinking, never give up stuff does work but it's easy to get knocked on your *** and it all comes back, i mean i've got over the most of it once already. Doing it again with the friendly depression on my shoulders is a whole lot harder, new wall to climb i guess.
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Old 03-26-2008
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Insightful post, shield.

I had SA too. In retrospect, there is only one major difference between people who appear confident and people who feel they lack confidence. People who appear confident USE their anxiety more productively than people who appear shy or not confident.

I don't think you have a disease, Lea.

Everyone has a certain 'energy' around social interaction. What you do with that energy affects your interpretation of reality and your self image.

Its like riding a rollercoaster: Some people LOVE rollercoasters - they interpret the vertigo and adrenaline they feel as positive energy and excitement. Some people HATE rollercoasters - they interpret the vertigo and adrenaline as DANGER and UNCONTROLLED RISK.

People who appear socially confident see the world as a SAFE place full of EXCITING CHALLENGE, LOVE, and OPPORTUNITY. They are, in a way, CONSPIRACY THEORISTS who believe that everyone in the world is out to HELP THEM.

People who have SA or appear socially awkward and lacking in confidence see the world as a DANGEROUS place full of PITFALLS, HATE, and potential DISASTER. They are also, in a way, conspiracy theorists who believe everyone in the world can SEE THEIR FLAWS and is out to SHAME THEM.
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Old 03-26-2008
 

Quote:
6 reasons why 99% of people with SA will never get over it
Another reason: People suffer from depression which makes it that much more difficult to work on their SA.

A truth: Social phobia and shyness are two different things.
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Old 03-26-2008
lifes_to_long's Avatar
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I agree darkly I hae socialphobia but I'm in no means shy. 8)
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Old 03-26-2008
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Yeah depression is a killer I suffered also from this for many years. I found that this is where medication helped. It alleviated some of the depression so that I could begin to work on overcoming sp.
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Old 03-26-2008
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^ i might have to try that, although the past few weeks i've felt a lot better but it's got a knack of coming back, im trying to get a job and stuff so hopefully doing something with my time will make me remember there is a world out there and that i want to be in it.
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Old 03-27-2008
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I don't think I am all that shy either...I can talk to people I don't know at all at times depending on the situation... but I think about it alot before I speak, debating with myself wether or not what I'm about to say will be accepted. My Mother has told me many times that she thinks I talk fine to people, maybe I'm just a good faker in a way..who knows?. One of my teachers from way back, once told me I was a good speaker in front of the class & she told me I should sign up for speech class or what ever they call it nowadays....needless to say, those times in front of the class I was freaking inside days before & during the oral report...unknown to everyone else I guess. That was just before I realy began to be bothered badly by the S.A which ultimatly ended my school days 2 grades early.
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Old 03-27-2008
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Quote:
I think about it alot before I speak, debating with myself wether or not what I'm about to say will be accepted.
This is the definition of shyness
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Old 03-27-2008
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Thanks for that. I am completely lost and I don't know what to do or what to follow. I will try to make use of it.
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Old 03-28-2008
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#3, 4, and 5 are the worst problems for me. The main reason I want to sink into a hole is because I think there is something wrong with me and no one is going to want to be around me, I am too annoying and weird.
I do try to build up my social skills, but if it's not working right away I think I am unlikable or unlovable. It's hard to change that way of thinking! Especially when you see others with tons of friends and think, "I will never be like that." I guess I should think, why do I have to be like her? I can only be myself and I do have a few friends, I should focus on the positives. Right? Right.
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Old 03-28-2008
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right piper - NEVER EVER EVER compare yourself to others, and especially not to others who are HIGHLY SKILLED in areas you would like to be. Such comparison is MEANINGLESS and will only serve to depress you.

Comparing yourself to others is a NEGATIVE, beta behavior in itself.

Nobody would ever achieve ANYTHING if they compared themselves to the greats in their field. EVERYONE would get frustrated and give up.

If you have to compare yourself to someone, compare yourself to yourself one year ago and gauge your progress.
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Old 03-29-2008
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by shield
2) They don't take baby steps- people with social anxiety push themselves too hard to do somthing that is too far beyond their comfort zone instead of building up gradually. The result is that the individual will not be consistent because they will dread repeating this activity. The solution is to start small and build up like with weight training. Over a year progress will be huge and after 2 years you will be totally over sp.

4) They compare themselves to others- Comparing yourself to others is probably the best way to decrease your self-esteem. It is one of the worst and most damaging things you can do and it has very serious consequences on your well being. Now that you know this decide never to compare yourself to others. Just worry about your own progress and stop looking at other people.

5) They are result oriented rather than process oriented- People with SP have a tendency to focus on making friends or getting a girlfriend/boyfriend instead of working on building social skills gradually. You are unlikely to develop relationships quickly. This is a process and forming a relationship is an end goal which may take several years to accomplish. It is better to accept your current status of being single and alone and learn to like it. You can be happy with this. It is not terrible to be alone. Focus on and enjoy the process of building your social confidence and skills because you may not get results in a hurry.
YES! These are the 3 things that have hurt me the most... even when I am aware of them, it is so difficult to put these issues out of my mind and just relax. So frustrating!

Thanks for posting, this is a great thread.
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Old 03-30-2008
 

It's true that, for me, most if not all of those 6 things apply. However there's another crucial one; I genuinely don't like many people.

It's hard to force yourself to do something you fear if you also dislike it even without the fear. It doubles the reasons to avoid it, and usually one of the two reasons will win.
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Old 03-30-2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theman
right piper - NEVER EVER EVER compare yourself to others, and especially not to others who are HIGHLY SKILLED in areas you would like to be. Such comparison is MEANINGLESS and will only serve to depress you.

Comparing yourself to others is a NEGATIVE, beta behavior in itself.

Nobody would ever achieve ANYTHING if they compared themselves to the greats in their field. EVERYONE would get frustrated and give up.

If you have to compare yourself to someone, compare yourself to yourself one year ago and gauge your progress.
I agree with most of the topic's points...

But disagree with one thing...

Though it makes you feel horrible when you compare yourself to another... how else will you know how to achieve your goals?

It's not like someone will volunteer and guide you through the progress...
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Old 03-30-2008
 

The brain is a comparison machine. It's not something we can turn off and on. Our brains are constantly comparing and making relations. When you notice your brain comparing something just say "thank you brain for that comparison".
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Old 03-30-2008
theman's Avatar
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Quote:
Though it makes you feel horrible when you compare yourself to another... how else will you know how to achieve your goals?

It's not like someone will volunteer and guide you through the progress...
Ghost - you achieve your goals by setting them and going for it. An example would be if you want to have a great love life, you don't set the goal: "I want to be just like my friend xyz and be a real player." Instead, you set the goal "I would enjoy my love life if I went on a date with a new, attractive woman at least once per week."

Make sense? That way you can gauge your progress without comparison. If previously you dated one new woman per 6 months, and suddenly, on your way to your goal, you are getting 2 new dates every 6 mos. you can feel good about that. If you achieve the goal and find it is not enough, you can adjust the goal, and shoot for that. You can do all this without comparing yourself to others. No one else matters in the achievement of your goals. Comparing yourself to others will only insure that you always fail. Its a negative mindset.
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