Need to talk - anyone??

I'm the only person I know who has this problem - talking and connecting with people that is. It seems to come so easily to everybody I know, even my sister and my closest friends who I have so much in common with. I use to think it wasnt me, it was weird that people could have conversations about things of absolutely no importance - like the weather, what on earth can you say about the weather thats interesting??

Then I gradually started to realise I couldnt talk to people about a lot of things, whether they were interesting or not, because I didnt think I had anything important to say about anything. It would make me nervous and my mind would go blank, even over the simplist of things. I think the fact that I had so many talkative friends who were so interested in themselves and didnt realise when people had become bored or irritated with them, that it made me more aware of what I was saying and if people were interested in me. My dad and ex boyfriend are also really critical and would tell me to shut up or "stop chatting ****" when I'd try to start a conversation - now I don't bother. Which made me pretty critical as well, so for example, a lot of people repeat themselves all the time and it would annoy me, so I tried not to do that. But all thats happened is I'm now so paranoid about what people will think of me that I can't say anything to anyone without getting nervous and messing up what I'm trying to say, which of course makes me look weird so the whole thing goes round in one big circle.

Thats the worst thing I think, feeling like your weird... but not weird enough for anyone to think you need help, just that your a generally weird person lol. I'm here mainly because I want to find friends who actually understand how much of an issue this can be and also for ideas on how to deal with it. I don't want to be this way forever... it isn't who I am, and I don't think a lot of people, close friends and family included, actually see the real me anymore. And I'm desperate for them too... I just don't know how to change. Any suggestions or even anyone thats been through something similar, please reply. I'm feeling very alone right now.

Hey, you're not alone in having that problem. I have it bad as well, for the same reasons you do. First of all, the next time your father tells you to "stop chatting *****", you tell him to STFU because you'll speak when you d*mn well please and no one's going to stop you. With that kind of treatment, I'm not surprised that your social skills are lacking. Your ideas and thoughts are as important as everyone else's, which means they have a right to be heard, just like everyone else's.

If you want help on conversating, then just talk about what you like. We'll use me as an example. I love JRPGs and anime, but the people I know don't even know half, or even a quarter, of what I'm talking about. So, I explain it to them. They ask questions about it and there's the conversation. Just talk about whatever you want to and, if they have no idea what you're talking about, then explain it. They'll ask questions most likely, so answer them. Don't feel so weird about it, okay? Forget what your dad and ex said, they're superfluous as far as you are concerned; you don't need people like that in your life. You need people that will love and support you. So, go find a group in the area that deals with things you're interested in and you'll find even more people to talk to.

Hi there and welcome to the forum, the weather here in Iceland is great, really cold and calm and a sunny day

From what I have learned, there is a contract to conversations and it's simple one, I ask you, and you ask in return.
I don't really know how to give you an correct answer but I hope someone here will give you a decent one so it may help you to shine again,
You can always say hi to me if you need someone to gossip with

My dads one of them men that if you dare talk back he'll just raise his voice and keep talking till you give up... I have to live at home at the moment because I'm studying for my masters and can't afford to move out but I've realised I do get worse when I spend more time around him so I think you're right, I do just need to get away from him asap. For now, I'll just have to toughen up and deal with it lol. My ex is a bit of a stalker so he's also hard to get away from... god knows why tbf because he's only ever abusive, its not like he wants me back, I think it must be a control thing.

Thankfully, I do have lots of good friends, they dont really understand but they do care... It would probably help if I told them some of the things Ive said here but when I say things like this out loud I feel like I just sound whiney and boring... like Im making a big deal out of nothing.

What you said about talking about what I like is a good idea... Like you said I think I'd need to find more people interested in what I like though, I dont think my friends would be that interested - they tend to just want to know what boys Ive been talking to. And thats rarely an interesting topic when it comes to me cos Im so useless at meeting new people lol. Also, I think some people are just good at story telling and making little things seem interesting. My habit when it comes to talking about myself is basically to get my main point across as short and sweet as possible and move on as soon as possible - its obviously something I need to work on. I'm def more of a listener than a talker. Thanks both of you, I feel a bit better already xx

Your dad and I would be at each other's throats. In your situation, I'd probably just keep challenging you, raising my voice each time he raised his until he quit. But, I'm hard-headed and combative about certain things, so avoiding him is another method to this. As for your ex, yes, it's a control thing. He wants the good feeling that comes from controlling something/one and, unfortunately, you're his target. Have you called the police on him yet? Tell him that and see what he does.

There's nothing wrong with talking about your problems. If they're really your friends, then they'll want to hear about any problems you're having. Friends stick up for and protect one another. If one's in pain, everyone else stops what they're doing and attends to the injured member. So tell them, they might be able to help you out. You don't need to be doing this on your own.

Haha, you sound like me! My family/friends are all concerned about me meeting girls and talking to them and getting a girlfriend. As I repeatedly state to them, however, I'm dreadful at talking to people, especially girls! Apparently, there's something about me that makes me unapproachable. One theory has been that I'm too taciturn. I don't really go into detail when people ask me questions. I tell you point-blank what's up and that's it. Apparently, that's making me look disinterested! I suppose we can all work on expounding our points by adding little bits and details and even adding our own opinions on things!

Hey, We all have our own style of talking. There's nothing wrong with being a listener. If you think you want to be more of a talker though maybe you can try to practise more to engage into conversations. Try to learn about various things, try different hobbies. Maybe you can join a club where there're more people who have the same interest as you. I also hate small talks like weather but I found sometimes they can act as conversation savers specially when you're not sure of what to talk about. I hope you're able to find some wonderful friends here. Welcome

Yeh It probably would do me some good to learn to stand up for myself more... maybe I'll suprise everyone and go mental next time he starts, shock him into speechlessness lol. I havent called the police no... he scares me slightly, I don't know how he'd react if I did that. Originally, I was hoping he'd get bored eventually but we officially broke up about 4 years ago now so I doubt thats going to happen, we've both dated other people, he's even got a kid now, he just cant seem to help himself... I'm out of ideas. Its REALLY pathetic I know!

I'll try and talk to my friends... maybe I'll just text one of them to start with and see how they react, work my way up to a full on conversation. Ahhh Im such a loser lol!! Its embarrasing how ridiculous I am sometimes!

That's exactly me lol... too blunt when people ask me questions. You seem to be fairly confident though, so I think we might do it for different reasons. I only do it because I don't want to bore people with long rambling answers, although I think Ive def taken that to the extreme. To be honest its even taking me long to reply on here because I'm having to force myself to elaborate and open up a bit, which feels weird.. but kinda good too

Srijita, I do need to try and participate more in conversations. I was at the Doctors this morning talking to my neighbour, this lovely old man, and even with him I was struggling despite thinking to myself the whole way through, this is your chance, practice talking with him, he's not scary. Didn't work but I'll keep trying. Your right about small talk, it can be really useful and old people are amazing at talking for ages about nothing imparticular, I might try pick up some tips lol. And thanks, I hope I do too

Hehe, that doesn't sound half bad! It'll show him that you aren't to be taken lightly and it should boost your confidence up a lot to stand up to a long-time tormentor! It sounds, or it is, that he has an unhealthy and probably dangerous obsession with you. I'd get someone to deal with him because he might get worse and start to get physical. Is he in a relationship right now? Try telling his girlfriend/wife about it or threaten to tell her when he shows up. Show him that you won't bow down and all that stuff I said before regarding your dad!

It might be best to tell just one and see how things go. You don't really speak about your life to them, do you? It's not ridiculous, you're just not used to it.

Ohhhhh, I'm confident on here. In real life, I'm completely shy. I go out of my way to avoid people in real life and I get so anxious and tense up around boys sometimes, and totally wound up and tense around girls all the time. I only sound confident. Glad to see that you're trying to explain your points more!

Maybe, or he'd just call me an ungrateful little cow and tell me that if I dont like it I know where to go... <<< see this is what I do, talk myself out of it before I get a chance to put it into action. I will talk to him, maybe not go mental exactly, but I'll let him know how I feel and go from there.

No he's not with anyone at the moment, no one can put up with him for long lol. He's just moved house to my town and joined my gym (just what I need when I'm working out, my verbally abusive ex lol). As ****ed up as this sounds though, it's comforting to know there's someone there that's still interested, even if he doesn't actually care about me and he's interest is purely selfish. Everyone seems to give up too easily with me though, and he never does.

I don't know if its me not giving people enough chances to step in and ask me questions or if my friends just generally dont tend to be good listeners but whenever I talk to them about anything, they tend to just nod and agree and not really ask questions, which increases the feelings I get about them not being interested and me being boring lol. So yeh, when it comes to serious, personal stuff, I don't talk to them about that much no :/ It probably is me, because they seem fine with other people come to think of it... how can I be so rubbish at talking people can't even find the motivation to question me about anything though???

Why do you get tense around people? (If that came across wrong, I meant it more like "enough about me, what about you" lol?? Feel free to ignore me)

If he tells you "where to go", tell him, "I'll see you there. Save me a seat." or some other quip. Words are power sometimes, so use yours to shift the balance of power. As for talking yourself out of things, I'm reminded of a quote, which goes like, "Just act before you have time to worry!" Kinda carefree (and careless), but the idea that you should sometimes just do something without contemplating this-and-that stands true.

There are other, better men out there that are interested in you, don't worry about that! Try taking self-defense classes and buying some mace. That ought to make him think twice before doing something funny. Plus, your self-confidence will go up!

Maybe it's a bit of both. When you're talking about something serious, and you feel that they're not paying attention, ask them to. Tell them that you feel as if they're not listening to you. And you could trust your friends a bit more. They earned your trust and respect in one way or another, that's why they're your friends.

I don't mind talking about myself a bit. I get tense because, well, I guess the closest way I can put it is that I'm scared. I'm always afraid that people are going to hurt me; I also just don't like being looked at since I don't like being the center of anyone's attention. Girls in particular is due to my not having enough exposure and interaction with them, the fear of rejection, and a probable cause of just being afraid of girls in general, I can guess. It doesn't help that I don't believe myself capable (or worthy) of being a boyfriend or a friend. All the problems lie within me.

Yeh I totally get not wanting to be centre of attention- it always feels like its for the wrong reasons. Generally speaking though, the number one thing girls like about boys is that they makes us feel safe... and by that I dont mean if a maniac comes running at us with a knife we can trust you to step in and kick his arse. I mean boys always make things seem less complicated - you say things how it is and if we have a problem, you solve it. It makes the world less scary And thats how you've helped me today! So even if you worry about all the other little things that makes dating so much more complicated, I promise you theres a girl out there who'll love you just for who you are, a man

Sorry I'm taking ages to reply, its almost dinner time in London and I'm rushing round trying to get food ready for when the troops come home lol

Hm? Oh, don't worry about taking so long! I'm getting ready to go to classes right now; I still have some time, but not a lot, like an hour before I leave. Next time we talk, it can be on each other's page, okay? And good luck with that!

Hehe, I doubt I could defeat anything at the moment::! I haven't been in a fight in a long time and I'm starting to gain some weight I think! I plan on heading back to the gym and taking up some martial arts in the summer though! Thank you for that though! It made me blush a bit! As for a girl being out there, well, sadly, I'm convinced of the opposite. I don't think any girl does or ever should like me. I just don't think I'm worthy of it and I'm scared that I won't be able to maintain the relationship. I don't want to fail, yet I believe that's my only path. Will I meet her later on down the road, after I've beaten these problems? Probably. But, until then, I'm convinced that no woman alive is attracted to me and as well they shouldn't be. I'm sorry that I turned your compliment inside out; I did take it to heart, but I'm not capable of "understanding" it just yet. I will though!

this is exactly how I feel. I am trying to actively tell myself not to give a **** about what other people think when I speak, but sadly I still speak with hesitance and awkwardness or keep my mouth shut all together. Its tough. I'm really glad this forum exists.

**Update** - I'll make it quick so I don't bore you all with my daddy issues lol - without directly blaming him for anything as I thought that wouldnt do anybody any good and just result in an argument, I told him how tough I was finding everything (being non specific as he gets awkward when anyone starts discussing feelings) and could he help me out by going easy on me for the next few months while I get myself sorted out. He did make a joke out of it, but I think he did it to lighten the mood, not to be horrible. He seems alright so far today, I'm hoping when he sees what a difference it makes on my mood when he's bein nice and that gets through to him better than me screaming in his face lol. Time will tell!!

Iluv, I totally get that the weather is a great convo starter because everyone always has an opinion on it, but in london the weather is the same every day of the year practically lool everyone still loves talking about it but everyone says they same thing all the time, "horrible out there today isn't it" - yes, yes it is, it always is, and always will be - so other than "yep, that's England for you" - I'm clueless as to what else to say. How do you lead on from that?? That's really sweet of you look out for my friend request and I'll definitely take you up on that offer xx

Tigers, it's a lot harder than it seems isn't it! I tell myself all the time when ppl start talking to me, who cares, just be yourself, but still my mind goes blank and I can't think of anything to say. Being the massive loser that i am lol, I might prepare some conversation starters and memorise them, maybe once I've tried them out a couple times I'll feel more confident to just wing it.

Deadmanwalking (I dislike calling you by this name lol) I was gona write your message on your wall like you suggested but apparently I wrote too much, so here it is. Next time I'll just start with a simple "hey, how are you?" lol but for now...

How you feeling today?? What classes are you taking?? Martial arts is a good idea, it'd probably help to get out a lot of frustration and anger as well as helping you to keep fit, think I might follow your lead in that one!

I get not feeling like there's any reason for anybody to like you, or that your unworthy of a relationship. Sometimes it helps looking back on old relationships and that gives me some strength to carry on being a bit more optimistic but it doesn't normally last long. I was a different person then, happier and a lot more confident. The fact that most days I don't feel like my own parents like me doesn't help lol! I just end up thinking about this long list of things I want to change about myself and how when I get all of them sorted, then I'll be ready and open to finding someone.

Only problem being, it's one hell of a long list and it seems like it'll b impossible for me to do all of them. It's fair enough saying be yourself and find someone who likes you the way you're, but if you don't like you the way you are, your either gona **** up the relationship because of your in security's or end up with someone who treats you like **** right?? And after James, thats the complete opposite of the type if person I need to be with. We'll get there in the end mate I'm sure at least we have people we can relate to to keep our spirits up in the mean time ay xx

Hey Jessica,

Ooh, going through Masters or such can be tough, many people have struggled with it (I've sure struggled with BAs or such too...) Living with your parents can be tough too!!
So, maybe take it as 'learning experience' and work on it being 'temporary'!

You'll feel MUCH better on your own, I think! (At least I did, and many other people!)

If your parents might be 'difficult' (like mine), and/or might have very different expectations of you and your life than you do yourself, don't expect 'total acceptance' (or being 'liked' by them) as long as you're living with them!! Soo many people say they got along MUCH better when living away from home!! So did I!!
I've had a 60-year-old businesswoman lamenting to me about HER Mum - who was driving her CRAZY!! LOL! (Her parents were always 'thrilled' to see other sister/s though, who weren't living with them!!)

Living together can be difficult, especially if parents might not be used to it (eg if you studied/lived elswehere before...) Even our parents generation can be 'spoilt' and they might expect certain things or fret the current economic climate or take kids for granted...
My dad has been rude to me occasionally too, or they just didn't pay any attention to my feelings etc. It helped me to read about 'narcissistic'/borderline/'difficult' parents or such.. (even though my parents might just have some traits, not full-blown 'disorders') Some Al-Anon forums have been helpful to me too... again, my folks are not alcoholics, some other relatives have been) And books about assertiveness, communication, dealing with difficult people and such have been helpful too...
The forums said if parents don't have boundaries kids need to set up boundaries - that was really helpful to me...

Parents may have totally different expectations - eg about work/life or income one would need to be generating etc. In this economic climate, they may get stressed about money, future, etc. They may crave grandkids etc. (And it can be VERY stressful to be reminded of all that CONSTANTLY while they might just see it as 'being helpful' (duh!?) yeah, in some cases I just needed to return with a whole lotta DRAMA, yikes!!)
(I hope you won't need that and that your dad will be convinced with more calm and rational approaches!! )

To be honest, while living with parents I was pretty much consumed with the drama, and their constant shenanigans, oftentimes, it was when they were absent from home or I lived on my own that I actually became 'open' to dating someone or such...

With an ex in the picture, I can understand how you'd feel safer living with parents, just remember there are restraining orders too, or a male friend or relative could yell at him on the phone, and maybe he'd give it a break then? (That's something a friend did.)
If you're clear about not wanting contact... or whatever boundaries you'd like to see?
If you're not clear completely, well, I can understand that too... It may make him confused then though too... It depends how big his problems are, maybe if you make it clear enough to him you could never be with someone with these big problems, maybe he could either change or give it a break/move on?

I have a friend who's mostly been only interested in boys etc. I did confront her about it a few times... And as said before, you can work on finding people interested in your interests... It makes a WHOLE LOTTA difference too!!

Take care & hope things get better!!

Hey Feathers,

It definitely is a learning experience lol! I'm working out my money and trying to figure out the very earliest I can move out - but it doesnt seem likely to be possible for at least a year

You're right, I did get on so much better with my parents when I didn't live with them. I'm currently working with my dad as well so there's no escaping him - he only has a small flooring company and when his last secretary left I had to step in quickly to help him out. Unfortunately, he cant afford to hire anyone else at the moment so the whole business side of the company is all my responsibility - he mainly just deals with clients and refuses to have anything to do with paperwork because he's "the boss" so its a lot of responsibility. As you can imagine all that on top of all the work for my masters means I'm pretty stressed 99% of the time lol, and I do make mistakes because its just too much work for one person to keep up with as I can only work 2 days a week as well.

As much as he annoys me, i'm also concerned about the long term effects of this situation on my relationship with him. I'm so use to him moaning and yelling at me now that I constantly have my guard up, so whenever he says anything to me I snap at him and get all defensive. I can't wait for this year to be over!

I'll definitely have a look at some of the things you suggested, parents can be very childish sometimes lol - I think boundaries may be very useful. And yes, they are always going on about "what are you going to do with your life?" and "why dont you have a boyfriend?"... it does my head in.

I don't know what I want to happen with my ex to be honest.Of corse I dont want him around me because he's horrible and I know I can do better but at the same time I don't feel like im in a position to date anyone else right now so if he went away I'd be even more alone. My friend who's obsessed with boys currently has 3 boys wanting to be her boyfriend, they're all idiots and dont treat her very well and she doesnt actually like any of them, but she likes the attention so she keeps them hanging on. This would be fine I suppose, but she insists on then moaning about them and creating all this drama that wouldnt be possible i she did the right thing and cut them off. With everything Im going through right now, you can imagine that's the last thing I want to hear when Im with my friends.

Thanks for the advice, its nice to hear from people in similar situations and to hear how they've dealt with it xx

Hey Jessica,

lol your friend sounds very much like one of mine!! It can be difficult to be with/hang out with someone like that!
I was sometimes so fed up with all her drama, I had no interest in dating anyone myself!
/Had a hard time keeping track of all of her admirers lol!/
Told her she seems to thrill on drama, and she even agreed with it! lol!

You could maybe even tell her something similar like you told your dad, that you've been going through rough times etc, can you just chill/go for a walk/go dancing etc (or whatever interests you/something you enjoy together), and/or can you talk about other things or such? (She may have a hard time coming up with other topics though, maybe you can find mutually interesting topics?)
I did cut contact with my friend a few times, or had to limit time with her (especially phone calls! switching phone companies helped and not taking phone calls when stressed), it helped to tell I was 'overwhelmed with stuff'/stressed/busy or such...

As for your dad, that sure sounds like a difficult situation... I imagine with the current economic climate, it may not be so easy for business owners, and so far it seems he's often been taking it out on you! (as the 'weakest link'!)
Do you get a 'real' paycheck or have you been working for 'free'/for 'room and board' only? You might wanna check what other people in your position have been earning - is it a comparable salary to what you've been doing? (via forums and/or in RL - do you know any other people who do what you do? It can be great help to get info from other people in a similar position... There are biz forums, and accounting forums and all sorts...)
I know London can be expensive, jobs might not be so easy to come by... some people flatshare, there are even 'parties' where you can meet possible flatmates etc. Things to consider...

You're probably getting really good 'work experience' anyway, paperwork can be yuck yeah... My mum used to work as an accountant and there were times of year when she was REALLY stressed...!! (Other times, work was much more 'easy'...) There are some other accountants on this forum, you might get some feedback/info from them too...
If this is your first year doing these things, having a mentor or a few (even if 'informal' can be priceless...) Can other relatives/friends help?
I know mum was venting a lot at certain times, we never knew what to tell her... Where I live, there are 'support biz services' or such... (Sometimes with free/discounted help)

Do you have a 'timeline' for the MA? Is it necessary to eg finish until June? (eg would you be paying a whole lot more if not finishing until then?)
Otherwise, you can check when the 'busiest' times for paperwork are, and put the MA 'on backburner' for that time, take care of taxes/paperwork, and then work on MA more again... if possible..

I think you got good 'weapons' to work/negotiate with - if your dad would really be 'unreasonable' you could possibly threaten to not help out with things/paperwork etc (you'd probably need a 'backup plan' then though) or you could simply 'get ill' or such... (I don't recommend it, but as 'last resort' sort of thing) The book 'Dealing with Difficult People' by Kirschman and Brinkmann (the long version) and/or books/info on negotiating can be really helpful here...

There seem to be 'family business support forums' too (if you Google it ) as wells a s biz and small biz support forums...

Just some things from the top of my head...

Take care hun & hope things get better!!