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Life's not worth living if you're ugly

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Old 08-16-2017
Rumplestiltskin's Avatar
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It just isn't.

Here's how life is if you're ugly:

You can't find love, since no one will ever want to be in a relationship with you.
You can't have casual sex, since no one will ever want to go to bed with you.
You can't find a job, since no one will ever want to hire an awkward loser who shows no resolution or self-assurance.
You can't be sincere around everyone else, since being a virgin is the single most disgraceful thing a person can live with. (They know, anyway; don't worry about that. Yay!)
You can't look at yourself in the mirror and not get depressed.
You can't not have to look at yourself in the mirror first thing in the morning, so you can't not start your day already hating it.
You can't leave home and enjoy the outside world without getting anxious that people will laugh at you.
You can't not bear grudge against every cute guy/girl you see out there and envy how easy they've had it.
You can't not despise yourself and be devoid of any self-confidence.

Looks matter. Looks bestow happiness and deprive of it. Sure, there are a lot of things I like in life, but my appearence isn't one of them. That alone renders my liking all those other things completely trivial.

Life's great, but living like this is hard. I can't not hate myself, and that makes my life as a whole not worth living, it forces my existence to be an incredibly limited experience, especially when compared to everyone else's (let alone good looking people's, who have every right in the world to look at me disdainfully / pitifully).

Anyway, enough rambling. To everyone ugly around here:

-How do you deal with this?
-Do you feel like your life's been worth living?
-Do you consider your social anxiety to be inextricably linked to your looks?
-Do you think things would have been a heck of a lot different if you'd won the genetic lottery?
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Old 08-16-2017
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Life can be easier if you're good looking, but it's not a death sentence not to be.

Take Owen Cook (aka RSD Tyler Durden):

Balding ginger, asymmetrical face, not tall (5'9"), no muscles, little-dicked, dresses like a douchebag, whiny, nasally, high-pitched voice -- pretty much the opposite of what society dictates as attractive.

Yet he constantly attracts, sleeps with, and forms relationships with beautiful women. And it's because of his attitude, positivity, and courageousness in spite of knowing he is not the cream of the crop. Some people see his lifestyle as disgusting and contemptible. I used to perceive him that way myself. But what I realized eventually is that he is a man that knew his options were limited and took action to change that. He didn't continue to let society tell him he couldn't have what he wanted. What this teaches us I think, is that we can overcome obstacles against difficult odds with a bit of work.

He is self-described as someone that used to be a nerd, depressed, and socially anxious until he began to step past the line of his comfort zone. He's formed a multi-million dollar company based on socializing with people and picking up women, and has some really great life coaches on his team, each of which have their own style of socializing, most of which aren't that good looking, yet are still some of the most successful, carefree people (with women and otherwise) I have ever seen. Even girls attend their bootcamps.

I implore you to take a look at his videos and at some of the other videos put out by the RSD (Real Social Dynamics) coaches. You'll see that looks aren't the only thing that matter.

Skip to 9:56:

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Old 08-16-2017
Kiwong's Avatar
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You probably save thousands of dollars in relationship counsellors when you are ugly.

Hell yeah, my life is worth living.

I'm not going to complain about the genetic lottery, my anxiety is a nightmare, but there is both good and bad in my genetic lottery.

On the whole I am glad that I am me.
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Old 08-16-2017
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Hey there.

Not sure if saying this will be totally welcome, but here it goes: I've been told I'm okay looking but still haven't had a girlfriend since 2007. (yes, ten years!)

I think it really is a confidence issue. I've seen some plain looking blokes with gorgeous girlfriends. And they didn't always even treat their girlfriends the best and I thought to myself, why don't any women seem to want to be with me when I'd be nicer to them than those *****s?

My mate said it to me best: women like confidence and shrinking violets just don't attract most women. I don't want to trivialise how you are feeling at all.
I've had many a day looking into the mirror thinking, "**** I hate what I see!"

I've been smiling and saying "hello" to more people in general over recent years to slowly gain confidence to realise that most people are quite understanding, especially in their 30s or older. Not sure if any of that is helpful.

Have a good one, mate.
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FountainandFairfax (08-17-2017)
Old 08-16-2017
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I have BDD and social phobia.

For years, decades even - I was mainly housebound, I had no job, no social life and lived a safe life. I had so many barriers and preferred to live through people and things rather than try to help myself.

The thing is what you believe is what is true to you and is what you attract in your life.
If you believe you are ugly and all those things you have written- then your life is going to reflect those things. And what happens is people are going to see you're devaluing of yourself and reflect it back to you and it will make you feel worse and strengthen your negative beliefs about yourself.

The thing is that looks are subjective. Everyone has different tastes. Just like people like certain colours or actors. We are attracted to what our tastes like. You may think certain things about how you look and there maybe people that are attracted to that look. Its funny and hard to believe - but it's very likely.

Also, 'attraction' is not all about looks. Attraction is about a person's self and what they want/are attracted to and their history. For instance, someone who is not that academic may be attracted to an academic because it's their shortfall... people want what they don't have, what they lack and they look for it sub-consciously in others.

You mentioned casual sex- and I'm sure that there would be loads of people wanting to be able to do that regardless of how you think about yourself. They would offer themselves lol

I think you should read up on CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) if you haven't done so already. It basically is questioning your beliefs in a way that gives you all the evidence to support or not support what you are thinking about yourself.

I have BDD and it can be crippling. I can have good days, weeks and months and then I can get into OCD type episodes that can last just as long. I can not want to be seen, heard even.
It used to be really bad when I was overweight. It's not as bad when I'm not.

Even when I'm in a really bad way and all of a sudden, just from a glimpse in a mirror or an unexpected photo of myself or even a nice or obscure comment towards me - I can be in a deep drowning slow-mo of depression and really feel in the moment that I hate this and just want to hide etc.. But in the heart of me - I just feel those feelings for those periods - have my tantrums and cries and let them out and have compassion for myself. Then, begin to journal of how I can help myself feel better.

I listen to music, get myself in a mood where I feel anything is possible.

I like to look up people like Lizzie Valasquez
(she came accross a Youtube video once that was titled the ugliest woman in the world and happened to be photos of her on there. Instead of retreating and hating herself- she turned it all around and now lives a life of happiness and wealth -

and other people that show that you can have a worthy heart filled life. Even if you hate how you look- and struggle immensely with it - Still- it's an emotion that comes and goes - that's worse and not so bad. You don't have to cement them.

What I do is work with self-care. I think to myself - I really don't like how I look- but there may be people that think otherwise- I don't know- I don't really care about how I look for now- but I'm going to look after myself and care for myself regardless.

And it's funny because I discovered that by having self-care- looking after myself nutritionally, keeping my skin nice and soft, putting a hair mask on, working out... etc.. I began to start to feel okay with myself because it was the act of saying to myself that I am worthy of doing those things. Just to needle down into feeling your soft hands or hair. Just little steps- can make you feel better.

The other thing that is good is to educate yourself about BDD- even if you don't have it- I like to watch this video
and others - as they help get perspective and helpful tips to cope with feeling bad about how you look.
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Old 08-16-2017
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all the good looking people out there who are shallow are REALLY going to be in for it when they get older because everyone gets to the point where they slowly start getting uglier. dont even WORRY about the people who judge you for how your face looks. They're too shallow and simple-minded to realize that its what in your heart that REALLY matters . people that think that way are a bit more rare these days (a lot of people in my generation are shallow and narcissistic) but they ARE out there.

its unfortunate though that as a species humans haven't evolved past the point where we instantly judge each other on facial aesthetics, skin color, and other superficial things...we seem to be getting worse actually ....Although, there seem to be SOME more enlightened people out there who dont even consider things like that as a deal breaker (people who are more interested in a spiritual or emotional connection)...they're just harder to find .

there are actually ALOT of women out there who have this problem (as well as men). my mom works at a hospital school and a lot of the anorexic girls are obsessed with Facebook, instagram, etc ..and I mean REALLY obsessed with it. a few weeks ago they caught one of the girls doing jumping jacks in her room to try and lose more weight even though she was already thin as a rail...its just sad.

bottom line, anyone who puts someone else down for being "ugly" is ACTUALLY the ugly one themself.....IMO, ugly/pretty refers to what kind of heart you have. Reminds me of a Helen Keller quote
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Old 08-18-2017
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Oh man... I just got back from Atlantic City (those in the Eastern USA will know about this place.)

I have nothing good to say about it. I got quite depressed from the entire experience, as per usual. The gambling is enjoyable for a short time if you can win a little. But otherwise...

Maybe since such places attract/select for vanity and shallowness, that's the kind of thing you're going to see the vast majority of the time. Don't ask me about the "couples" I saw and what they looked like, and how those dynamics broke down.

I have some thoughts about this subject but unfortunately it is wise for me to refrain. It verges on politically incorrect material.

I'll sum it up by saying there's nothing like being in a loud/crowded/busy locale, if I want to feel like I do not even belong to the human race, and have no prospects for anything, as a direct result of that social disconnect.

For men with insecurity about anything (which is already implied by social anxiety), learn from this and adjust accordingly. Don't go to busy places that attract youngish, vain people like flies. Because you will get depressed.

And do not attempt to socialize with anyone or approach anyone other than the folks who work there, for (needed) service. Because you will fail 100% of the time automatically. Do not attempt to "mingle" and "chat with da wimmin" because your social disconnect is an incredible turn-off, and they are not interested in you. (Not that I tried, but you don't need to be clairvoyant to know how this works.)

Anyway, in general, my advice is to stay home and forget about anything that requires socializing; that's not for you. You are not desired. It's just that simple, I'm afraid.

And this even applies if you're a good-looking guy objectively. I'm simply talking about "socially awkward"; it's far more repellent than mediocre looks. And just as permanent (although I would like to believe otherwise, I have been on this heap of rock for a long enough time. I have not improved. What else is there to say?)
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FountainandFairfax (08-19-2017)
Old 08-19-2017

It seems to be all about social status and confidence (which pretty much mean the same thing). Who can shout the loudest, who can attract the most attention. All for validation of course.

What people don't understand is that confidence =/= loud/extroverted. Confidence is about being secure in who you are as a person and having the conviction to live life on your own terms. Unfortunately, people will see a shy person and immediately think they are not confident.
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Old 08-20-2017
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Originally Posted by ontario_girl View Post
Unfortunately, people will see a shy person and immediately think they are not confident.
Well, also unfortunately, a lot of the time that's just really very true. I know it is for me, my last post implies as much.

Someone who appears shy as a general rule (not just in specific situations) you see, cannot actually be confident.
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Old 08-21-2017
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Well it's quite a surprise to see someone openly post PUA (Pick up artist) techniques on this website as we usually ban predators, predatory behaviour and techniques. Instead I'll post something that I think would be very good to wise up on. Please give this a read:
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Old 08-21-2017
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Originally Posted by Remus View Post
Well it's quite a surprise to see someone openly post PUA (Pick up artist) techniques on this website as we usually ban predators, predatory behaviour and techniques. Instead I'll post something that I think would be very good to wise up on. Please give this a read:

I respectfully disagree that what RSD (an organization within the PUA community and the one I linked to above) teaches has anything to do with predatory behavior. RSD teaches men how to be confident in themselves as a catalyst to having meaningful relationships with all types of people, including women. RSD has come a long way from what "pick-up" used to be back in the 2010s, which to my understanding, involved a lot of sleazy techniques.

Furthermore, the PUA community at large--in fact, men in general--has been maimed by the relentless inundation of extreme feminist thought (separate from rational feminists, the latter of which I identify with) and mainstream media, so I don't blame you for having a low opinion of PUA if you've been exposed to that for years. Anything that seems to go against traditional or mainstream values is going to be picked on by people and mainstream media. If you watch RSD's non-compilation videos (particularly the last video I linked above), you'll see that yes, RSD is about picking up women, but it's also about becoming a confident, self-improving, sociable individual just the same.

Here's a good example of the type of growth philosophy that is often preached by RSD coaches:

And here is an example of a rational feminist that has had firsthand experience with RSD, and her review is positive:

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Old 08-23-2017
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This subject has always really bugged me because many years ago I used to be on a forum for people with BDD. And it was almost a daily thing that we would be bringing up this topic.

But what always came to be was that there really is no such thing- if you really think about it- of ugly or beautiful... because it is so subjective and diverse and depends on people's tastes and backgrounds and the society they live in.

And it always gets me annoyed when people in person can have such a strong feeling that a certain person is 'hot' or what ever- yet not realise that it is actually subjective.
And also I always have thought it rude to do that too - because its saying that this person's tastes in beauty are the same for everyone and you dont fit it. lol.. you know.

There is no such thing as beautiful people and ugly people other than what exists in your own mind and your own tastes and the culture and society that you may have been rubbed off in.

Most people are a mix of all sorts of things. There are their best selves and their interesting selves.. people can look beautiful and hot for different reasons.. people's faces tell personas that attract others in certain ways..

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Old 08-24-2017
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I ogle sunsets and hit on wildflowers.
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Old 08-26-2017
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Originally Posted by Kiwong View Post
I ogle sunsets and hit on wildflowers.
haha . NICE!

Iv been meaning to try this. Humming birds hang out in my yard all the time.
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Old 08-27-2017
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The whole ugly thing is pretty subjective. If you're naturally confident, the amount of things you can do grows exponentially.
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Old 08-27-2017
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Originally Posted by Sacrament View Post
If you're naturally confident, the amount of things you can do grows exponentially.
I'd say a person can even expand their options by building their confidence as well.
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Old 09-28-2017
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Its laughable because we are what we think we are.

Youve got to sit down and dig in and explore what it is you dont like about yourself and try lots of avenues in your mind of how to fix those things.

The clues are with people you get jealous from. They are where you find gold nuggets of things you want. Whether you think you can attain them or not.

Being beautiful is all in how you care for yourself and how you believe you are.
Its a practice.
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Old 09-28-2017
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I think people who are more "affected" by the status quo are more likely to view certain people as ugly because of the fact that they've pretty much been programed to filter people out based on a criteria that is generally very superficial . There are many different levels of shallowness .

this is interesting

this is also relevant

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