I still feel socially anxious around my boyfriend of over a year

I always thought that I was the type of person who just took time to be comfortable around new people. That always took way longer than I would have liked, but I just accepted it as a part of me. But in my current relationship, that didn't really fly. I became unusually self-conscious and that didnt subside for months on end. I could literally not stop myself from questioning every word, action and thought I had. I thought my new boyfriend was so cool, funny, and smart, and I felt inferior in every way. This feeling of inferiority made it so my mind went severely blank around him and the words that I did say were so overthought they didnt even seem natural or my own.
Now, these feeling have subsided but I still feel confused. We now find it hard to have natural, stimulating conversations and I take it upon myself. I get so anxious sometimes, and feel like I can't talk about anything. Oftentimes everything I can think of to talk about sounds mundane and dumb. My feelings take over everything, like I have a dark cloud looming over me. I know that if I could shake these feelings (which I'm not even sure what they are) I could talk just fine all the time because I would actually be comfortable. We can never really have a good time because of these anxious feelings.
He knows all about how I feel but he doesnt quite understand. After a year, he only feels drained and constantly this "not talking" becomes a subject of a fight. But I don't think that this means that we're not good for each other(At least I hope it doesnt). We still love each other a lot and can't bear to be apart for too long, we have a lot of things in common and a lot of things that we admire about each other's personality, and we are together all the time. But with lack of closeness from conversation, and both of our extreme awareness of this being a problem, I fear that "talking" will never feel natural for us and the anxiety will continue. It's not like we never converse, but sometimes things still feel awkward and bad, and there is a weird negative stigma on "talking" for both of us. It's something thats always on my mind, eating me up and bothering me constantly, that I find it hard to even be myself and say the things I would normally say to people I am comfortable with.
Sorry for the novel, I've hardly had anyone to talk about this to but him. I feel like nobody would understand. I feel like I'm too confused about it to articulate it. I dont think that "It's just not meant to be" or that "He's not good for me". I'll find that out in time, but I dont think that this anxiety is for any of those reasons. I've had problems with social anxiety for years but never this bad. I just want to be able to change this negative dynamic in my reltionship and I hope that it's possible. I know that I need to find self-confidence but I'm afraid I won't be able to. I'm afraid of losing myself completely if things continue on this way. I could really use some advice or consolation. I feel so isolated from everyone I know.

Do you feel the same intensity of anxiety with everyone or do you feel it more intensely with your bf?

The way I was able to come to be at peace with my bf and my anxiety. I think it’s because I know for sure that he loves me, he knows I’m not perfect as I do him and has expressed his qualms with me but at the end of the day I know he loves me so that breaks the barriers of anxiety for me. We also initially met on the internet and we talked on the phone for several months before we met so the fact I was eased into the situation may have helped as well.

it seems like the longer I'm in a relationship, the more the anxiety begins to creep in

having exhausted all the new topics and shared my thoughts and feelings about everything I can think of over the course of a few years, i begin not knowing what to talk about other than the day-to-day stuff about work or what to get at the grocery store, etc...

and I begin to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, because I've become so attached and I'm afraid to do or say something to screw it up

so I start to get quieter, and quieter, and seemingly more distant, when I really just want to get closer, but don't know how to get any closer....

so I start freezing up, and overthinking everything, and forgetting, and avoiding...

and everything just gets worse instead of better

and I drive away the person I most want to be with

I can relate to that. In the beginning we would talk almost non-stop on the phone, on yahoo messenger, and when we went out we came up with the funniest subjects and would laugh for hours. Now I struggle to come up with subjects when we hang out, go to a restaurant etc and it's freaking uncomfortable, i mean, he's kind of leading the conversation and I'm anxious all the time about coming up with something to say..I'm scared he'll begin to think Im boring or smth.

coyote said:

it seems like the longer I'm in a relationship, the more the anxiety begins to creep in

having exhausted all the new topics and shared my thoughts and feelings about everything I can think of over the course of a few years, i begin not knowing what to talk about other than the day-to-day stuff about work or what to get at the grocery store, etc...

and I begin to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, because I've become so attached and I'm afraid to do or say something to screw it up

so I start to get quieter, and quieter, and seemingly more distant, when I really just want to get closer, but don't know how to get any closer....

so I start freezing up, and overthinking everything, and forgetting, and avoiding...

and everything just gets worse instead of better

and I drive away the person I most want to be with

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Yep, I have been the through the motion of that at the initial stages of the relationship, doubts breed insecurity. I either get anxious about living up to expectation or not being good enough. I needed a lot of reassurance.

After the first months in my recent relationship, I began feeling more and more that I´m not doing well enough to have a partner; that I don´t have enough natural happiness, purpose and meaning in life, and therefore can´t be a good partner to anyone....... And yes, the subject "me having difficulties with people", came up regularly and became a huge issue in the relationship. I was often told by him; "you have to start connecting with PEOPLE"...!! ... jeeez I know, but lay off man!

Kat said:

Do you feel the same intensity of anxiety with everyone or do you feel it more intensely with your bf?

The way I was able to come to be at peace with my bf and my anxiety. I think it’s because I know for sure that he loves me, he knows I’m not perfect as I do him and has expressed his qualms with me but at the end of the day I know he loves me so that breaks the barriers of anxiety for me. We also initially met on the internet and we talked on the phone for several months before we met so the fact I was eased into the situation may have helped as well.

Click to expand...

I have not always felt this bad. It hasn't ever come to the attention of anyone else I've had in my life in that way. People just thought of me as shy and of course, there were people I felt less intimidated by. But now that these feelings have been out in the open like this, I feel anxious about what to say to other people that I have been close to as well, including my family. I guess my boyfriend really cares that I feel this way, because being socially anxious around people has been eating me up inside long before him, only it wasn't acknowledged so I didnt feel as bad about it. And I guess he just wants to see me feeling better, but at the same time he understandably cannot be selfless all the time and has felt drained by me for a while. I know that he loves me but for some reason I can't let that calm me. I still feel the pressure of not knowing what to talk about. I still feel like every moment of silence is noticed. And I sometimes wonder if things are too far gone, and that gets me feeling low because I'll know it ended because of these useless feelings that I can't let go of!!

somethingeneric said:

I have not always felt this bad. It hasn't ever come to the attention of anyone else I've had in my life in that way. People just thought of me as shy and of course, there were people I felt less intimidated by. But now that these feelings have been out in the open like this, I feel anxious about what to say to other people that I have been close to as well, including my family. I guess my boyfriend really cares that I feel this way, because being socially anxious around people has been eating me up inside long before him, only it wasn't acknowledged so I didnt feel as bad about it. And I guess he just wants to see me feeling better, but at the same time he understandably cannot be selfless all the time and has felt drained by me for a while. I know that he loves me but for some reason I can't let that calm me. I still feel the pressure of not knowing what to talk about. I still feel like every moment of silence is noticed. And I sometimes wonder if things are too far gone, and that gets me feeling low because I'll know it ended because of these useless feelings that I can't let go of!!

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Yeah compromises do have to be made on both sides. I feel when issues come up concerning my anxiety that I’m not accepted for who I am even though social phobia doesn’t define me but it does feel like it’s a big part of me and I do feel there is some good that’s come from having social phobia but a lot of negative as well. I have accepted I’m not a very outgoing person who struggles to talk. My bf on the other hand likes to go out more then what I do and we do butt heads about that from time to time. I don’t think being outgoing or not outgoing either of us is in the wrong for wanting those things it’s just where we differ. And it’s not unusual to have differences in a relationship but I think we may feel more intense about it because we are sensitive. You’ll rarely have a perfect match with someone the main thing is you love one another and willing to find a solution to make it work. I’m not sure what would work for you because everyone is different. I do think these problems can be overcome but just not with ease.