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Old 06-30-2017
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I come from a divorced family. Sometimes, well a lot of the time, I feel like I missed out on something. Like how to have a functioning relationship with another person, which is undoubtedly first learned by example from one's parents. How to have a healthy image of a father figure and mother figure, or to take pride in one's family. The feeling of being able to be open with people. How to trust.

After the divorce, my dad was there for a little while, then moved far enough away where I could only see him twice a year.

So... pretty much no father figure. Raised by my mom. She cheated on my dad. Dad hates her and pretty sure resents me to some extent.
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Old 06-30-2017
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That's an interesting question. I suspect divorce affects you more if your parents divorce when you're still young. My folks divorced when I was about 20 and the most discernible emotion I remember feeling was that of being homeless or rootless. I felt like I no longer had a base, or a secure place I could always fall back on if I needed. It may have been a good thing in retrospect because I've learnt to depend on myself much more now, but it was hard to go through at the time.
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Miserum (07-03-2017)
Old 06-30-2017
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Originally Posted by Miserum View Post
I come from a divorced family. Sometimes, well a lot of the time, I feel like I missed out on something. Like how to have a functioning relationship with another person, which is undoubtedly first learned by example from one's parents. How to have a healthy image of a father figure and mother figure, or to take pride in one's family. The feeling of being able to be open with people. How to trust.

So... pretty much no father figure. Raised by my mom.
Same here. Though, judging by my birth certificate, my mum n' dad spilt just after I was born. Since his name isn't on it.

Like you, I missed out on a helluva lot. And didn't have any good examples of how to have a healthy, happy, functioning relationship. But my family weren't great when it came to those, anyway. Being pretty dysfunctional, demanding and controlling. Feminists, eh?

Never had the father figure, either. No memories of my dad or step-father - my older sister's dad. But, by age 12, I was being told that I was expected to be the "man of the house:. As for trust issue, by mid-teens my mum instill this "Trust no-one, except family" in me, which just left me with little trust in them. Since they'd regular mess with me mentally and emotionally.

As for my dad, never really knew him. I was forced to accept him back into my life when I was 15, at my mother's insistance that it'd "...do ye good to know him". Big Mistake! A complete waste of 8 years of my life.

Cuz all it did was bring up my dad's past history of domestic abuse towards my mum. And her ranting to me about and telling me not to waste ma time with relationships, cuz I'd end up being just like ma dad. She's subsequently contradict this, saying I'm a great guy, etc.

Also, it's difficult to take pride in yer own family when they overreact to being ignored. And act in an immature way when dealing with problems. Making jokes, passing blame, throwing tantrums, etc. Oh, and my mum once stabbed me in the hand for refusing to do as I was told. Don't worry, I was in my late teens when it happened. So, y'know... Dysfuctional people don't exactly make the best parents.

On the plus side, due to my mum favouring my older sisters over me, I've had to teach myself how to depend upon myself. Which has came at the expense of my mental health. Since that hasn't been easy, with a physical and learning disability to also cope with. But don't feel sorry for me, I've faced adversity most o' ma life, and overcome a lot in my nearly 30 years of life.
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Old 06-30-2017
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my parents initially got divorced because my dad didnt want my mom to have me . They eventually got re-married but my dad has always resented me and makes it blatantly obvious that he favors my older brother and sister 10x over me . probably because those were the only two kids he actually WANTED : /


but still, have to pretend like I'm a part of the "brady bunch"


oh well...
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Old 07-03-2017
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Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
And her ranting to me about and telling me not to waste ma time with relationships, cuz I'd end up being just like ma dad.
I don't get this. Why do some people think their children are going to be just like (insert parent they don't like here)?

Sometimes I see my dad coming out in me, but at the same time, am also quite different.
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Old 07-03-2017
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Originally Posted by AtTheGates View Post
my parents initially got divorced because my dad didnt want my mom to have me . They eventually got re-married but my dad has always resented me and makes it blatantly obvious that he favors my older brother and sister 10x over me . probably because those were the only two kids he actually WANTED : /


but still, have to pretend like I'm a part of the "brady bunch"


oh well...
I wasn't planned either.

Seems pretty illogical of him to feel that way from my perspective. His action of having two other children contradicts not accepting you. If he wanted other children later, it would make sense that he would now accept you as his child as well, even if you were an accident to begin with.

I'm just throwing this out there--maybe he dislikes you for other reasons?
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Old 07-03-2017
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Originally Posted by worrywort View Post
That's an interesting question. I suspect divorce affects you more if your parents divorce when you're still young. My folks divorced when I was about 20 and the most discernible emotion I remember feeling was that of being homeless or rootless. I felt like I no longer had a base, or a secure place I could always fall back on if I needed. It may have been a good thing in retrospect because I've learnt to depend on myself much more now, but it was hard to go through at the time.
No doubt. I'm sure it's difficult at any age. For myself, it happened when I was 5. :(
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Old 07-03-2017
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I don't get this. Why do some people think their children are going to be just like (insert parent they don't like here)?
Me neither, man. Personally, for me, I've always thought I got this cuz I'm the image of my dad, except lighter skinned. My dad was originally from Kenya.
,
But my mother didn't seem to care when I asked her about that a year ago. Not a hint of regret or remorse when I, fighting back tears, asked her if she knew what it's been for me growing without my dad or a single postive male role model wthin the family. To depend upon yerself, since those around ye will let ye down more often than keep their word. So, that's where I get my neurotic fear of letting others down. Then there's me using my family as an example of the kinda person ya don't want to become. Though, I lost count of the amount of times I've overheard or bared witness to my mum and/or older sister get so angry, they have a mini-tantrum. Storming off in the huff, yelling, slamming door. Not that I haven't done that from time to time. But the difference with me is, I'll talk after I'm calm. My mum and sister let all out in the moment. It got so bad at one point that I'd joke that you'd never guess I was the youngest of my mother's 3 kids.

Though, the openly, unapologetic hatred of men is the one thing I've never reconciled. Since my mum would make some remark "Men are..." Useless. Stupid, etc. Pick a disparaging word. Which my sister would jokingly agree with, no realise our mum meant that remark. This, coupled with the occasional word of praise, and how I'm good guy. Not hard to see how that'd mess up a young lad's self-esteem.

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Sometimes I see my dad coming out in me, but at the same time, am also quite different.
Oh, I definitely see lotta my dad in me. Aside from looks, I've got the same drive my father had when it came to getting things done. As well the perfectionism. Plus, I'm quite tall, like he was. Though, I'm a bit fatter and more hairy. So there's this "intimidating" aura about me. Mind you, the Scottish accent and the fact I've got tattoos and a couple of piercing... Not exactly helping matters.
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Old 07-04-2017
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Me neither, man. Personally, for me, I've always thought I got this cuz I'm the image of my dad, except lighter skinned. My dad was originally from Kenya.
,
But my mother didn't seem to care when I asked her about that a year ago. Not a hint of regret or remorse when I, fighting back tears, asked her if she knew what it's been for me growing without my dad or a single postive male role model wthin the family. To depend upon yerself, since those around ye will let ye down more often than keep their word. So, that's where I get my neurotic fear of letting others down. Then there's me using my family as an example of the kinda person ya don't want to become. Though, I lost count of the amount of times I've overheard or bared witness to my mum and/or older sister get so angry, they have a mini-tantrum. Storming off in the huff, yelling, slamming door. Not that I haven't done that from time to time. But the difference with me is, I'll talk after I'm calm. My mum and sister let all out in the moment. It got so bad at one point that I'd joke that you'd never guess I was the youngest of my mother's 3 kids.

Though, the openly, unapologetic hatred of men is the one thing I've never reconciled. Since my mum would make some remark "Men are..." Useless. Stupid, etc. Pick a disparaging word. Which my sister would jokingly agree with, no realise our mum meant that remark. This, coupled with the occasional word of praise, and how I'm good guy. Not hard to see how that'd mess up a young lad's self-esteem.
Sounds like a toxic environment. Do you still live at home? If you do I'd recommend gtfo ASAP. When I moved out of my mom's place our relationship did improve because we weren't around each other all the time. Btw, I think it's cool you're Kenyan! I've always been intrigued by the abilities of some of the runners that come from that region.

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Oh, I definitely see lotta my dad in me. Aside from looks, I've got the same drive my father had when it came to getting things done. As well the perfectionism. Plus, I'm quite tall, like he was. Though, I'm a bit fatter and more hairy. So there's this "intimidating" aura about me. Mind you, the Scottish accent and the fact I've got tattoos and a couple of piercing... Not exactly helping matters.
Tall and intimidating are good qualities. No one ****s with you. Yeah, it seems that people that have these qualities have to be overly nice at times to avoid scaring people, but I think that's better than living in fear on the opposite side of the spectrum. Purposeful intention is also a good quality that you share with your dad. It allows a person to get things done that need to get done.
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Old 07-04-2017
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Sounds like a toxic environment. Do you still live at home? If you do I'd recommend gtfo ASAP. When I moved out of my mom's place our relationship did improve because we weren't around each other all the time.
At the moment, aye. Still living at home with my mum, still arguing. Though, I did get a few days, nearly a week, to myself near the end o' last month when she went to visit my older sister over in Ireland. Though, I was left to put up with my oldest sister who ruined the whole thing. Cuz she lied to me and said our phoned her, crying due to me not returning her calls, just 2 days after she'd arrived in Ireland.

What's stopping me moving out? Well... Despite coping far better on my own, recently. Compared to the first time round when I had to keep clarifying more than once about every decision ah made. "Are ye sure now, aye? Jist checkin'..."

Anyway. There's this daft f**kin' notion that, due to be disabled, I just cannae cope on ma own, right? Can't be done! Come to find out recently that, when I spent a week in hospital following knee realignment and multiple wee surgeries to try n' correct issues relating to my walking pattern due to my physical disability, my mum had to have her eldest daughter, the oldest of my 2 older sisters, actually stay in the house with her and sleepover at night. Cuz our mum doesn't like being in the house by herself.

Plus, anytime I mention me moving out; my mum makes it about her, and turns into a guilt trip. As does my oldest sister, who are under the impression that it's my sole responsibility to care for them in terms of making sure their needs are met, and their happy. Since my well-being is irrelevant. At least as far as the mental and emotional toll goes. As my mum asked me recently without a hint of irony:
"Why should you be depressed?"
Clearly my mum and sisters huv collective dementia at the amount of times they flow into a rage because I dared to suggest doing something different for change. Questioned why I should care about a problem that does directly affect me. Or asked them to be patient while I finish doing something, then they can have my attention. But no, they can't stand not being the centre of attention. Acting like stropy teenagers when they don't get their way. Criticising me for not being as outgoing as them.

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Btw, I think it's cool you're Kenyan! I've always been intrigued by the abilities of some of the runners that come from that region.
Thanks. Yeah, that region has produced some impressive athletes over the years.

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Tall and intimidating are good qualities. No one ****s with you. Yeah, it seems that people that have these qualities have to be overly nice at times to avoid scaring people, but I think that's better than living in fear on the opposite side of the spectrum.
True. And I can definitely related to be overly so not to scare folk. But then I was bullied alot growing up, so do my best to not treat people badly.

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Purposeful intention is also a good quality that you share with your dad. It allows a person to get things done that need to get done.
Oh aye, it sure does. Though I've never been one to put off doing something. Like if I say or am asked, to get something done by or on a certain day, 9 times outta 10, I usually have it done. I won't make excuses or wait til last minute like my mum or sisters. Better getting a task done while it's fresh in yer mind. That said, I don't like being forced or pressure into doing something if I don't feel like it.
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Old 07-09-2017
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Plus, anytime I mention me moving out; my mum makes it about her, and turns into a guilt trip. As does my oldest sister, who are under the impression that it's my sole responsibility to care for them in terms of making sure their needs are met, and their happy. Since my well-being is irrelevant. At least as far as the mental and emotional toll goes.
Sounds like your stuck in a house full of guilt-trippers. That sucks. You can still care for them even if you do move out, you just won't be around 24/7. I think it will help all of you grow since you will be forced to be independent of each other for extended periods of time. You just need to convince them. Or don't convince them and just leave, which will force them to live with your decision, or in the worst case, drop contact with you. But at least you'll have your independence.

I've lived on my own before but I'm currently living at home since I'm between jobs.

Still wanna gtfo asap though, don't get me wrong. It's time for me to adult again. Lol.
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Old 07-10-2017
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Sounds like your stuck in a house full of guilt-trippers. That sucks.
Aye... c*nts!

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You can still care for them even if you do move out, you just won't be around 24/7. I think it will help all of you grow since you will be forced to be independent of each other for extended periods of time. You just need to convince them. Or don't convince them and just leave, which will force them to live with your decision, or in the worst case, drop contact with you. But at least you'll have your independence.
I'd need to find a place I can afford first. Since due to my disability I don't work. As for them cutting contact with me, doesn't bother me in the least. We haven't been close in years, as far as me with them goes. So, cutting contact with me would be more their loss than mine, really. Since I enjoy being on my own. Plus, it'd be karmic retribution for them treating me like crap over the years, and thinking their immune from the consequences of their words and actions cuz they're wimmin.

Don't get me wrong moving out is the goal, I just need to bide my time and figure out how to go about it. Since my family are likely to be unwilling to help me in that regard. What with them openly admitting that they're useless and I know better than them, apparently. But they rarely keep their word with me when I ask anything of them. So, hardly surprising I have little trust or confidence in 'em.

Even though now would be a perfect time for me to up sticks and f**k off with everyone in my family too preoccupied with one of my siblings having a marital breakdown to even notice that I exist.
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