Hello. Returning member...

Hi, I’m Chrysta. This is going to be quite a long post, so please bear with me.

I used to come to this site several years ago (I would use that account but I can‘t remember the email I used or any of that). I think I stopped coming because it kept my mind on my anxiety and the bad things, and I needed to try and distance myself from it. I’m feeling really stuck lately and wanted to talk to some people who understand. So, I’m going to give a summary of myself and my problems. I am diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and I am now 20 years old.

My anxiety started when I was 12 years old. My only two best friends that I had had for years started separating from me the year before junior high. And that was part of my trigger. It was really trying to start junior high that ruined everything for me.

I went to junior high for three days, and every day I came home and cried. I just couldn’t handle it and it was a complete surprise. On the fourth day I broke down crying and begged my mom to let me stay home. I then transferred to a small charter school my sister went to. I never fit in, I barely talked to anyone, I put my hair in my face to hide from others. I was so nervous everyday, I hated going, I was so sad all the time. (Kinda funny side note: I would come home from school every day and watch episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it was a real comfort to me, really helped me enjoy something in a life where I hated everything.)

I really only went there for a few months. I started staying home more and more (my mom was lenient with attendance) and eventually I found a way to make all my classes independent study and only had to go in to take tests. I went in once to take a math test, and the teacher explained what he wanted done and I didn’t know how to solve the problems the way he said, and I was so nervous I sat at the desk and I was trembling and sweating and my heart was pounding. It was horrible.

After those few months I ended up switching to a distance learning school and after awhile doing that, my sister at age 16 (I was now 13 almost 14) got Ovarian cancer and we quit going to school.

During this time things got worse and worse for me. My dad was a huge trigger for me because he is fairly judgmental and always wanted me to be social with him, the way I was when I was a child (when I was normal). Things got so bad, I stopped going anywhere ever, and then I was afraid even with my family. I would get this horrible symptoms every time I had a social interaction. I would sweat and my blushing was the most horrible and noticeable thing, my heart would pound and I was sometimes tremble. I would skip meals so I didn’t have to go out of my room, I would read in the dark with a book light so no one could see me. I would hide and make excuses for why I wasn’t around. I was so scared all the time. Every day I would wake up with my heart pounding, so afraid to just leave my room. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I told my mom I needed help.

I then went to my first shrink. I hated her. The first thing she said to me was ‘you’re pretty but you’re overweight’. How is that good? To say something so judgmental to a severely social phobic girl? She put me on meds and I waited to get back to normal. But I didn’t even know what normal was anymore. I’ve been on various meds to try and find the one that works the best.

When my sister had cancer I would stay at the hospital with her and my mom, just so I didn’t have to be alone with my dad. Both my ‘friends’ had gone by then and the one that I had known my whole life ignored me until I gave up. (My sister has been cancer free for six years now, by the way.)

I was so scared, I had no one to turn to, my friends abandoned me. Then, with my love for the show Buffy, I went on a message board for the show and I made a post asking for a friend. And I found one. We had lots in common, although she lives in Pennsylvania and I live in Arizona. I really found someone that I loved, and we had a great relationship for several years and she even came out and visited me. She ended up having a selfish messed up phase and she pushed me away, and didn’t talk to me for seven months, I then told her that I guess our friendship was over, later she apologized and we have since then formed a relationship again, although not as strong as it once was. She plans when she is done with college in a year to come and move out here, and I will finally have a friend to hang out with.

When I was 16 I made a huge step and went and studied and took the GED test and passed and got my diploma. Sometimes, I feel like people may think I’m stupid because I basically dropped out of school in 8th grade. But, I know I am smart, smarter than a lot of people I know, so I try to not let it bother me.

I’ve never had a boyfriend. Although, a friend of my sister’s flirted with me for awhile when I was 16. He almost kissed me once. I also, gave a peck on the lips to another of my sister’s friends. That is the most physical contact I have had with the opposite sex.

When I turned 17, I tried to reform my friendship with my friend from childhood. She accepted, although she never really took responsibility in ending our friendship years before. We didn’t have a lot in common, but she helped me broaden my horizons. I went to a couple parties and events with her. I went to her graduation and a party afterwards, I actually had fun and did really well with all my peers around. I was so proud of myself. I put myself out to people, I didn’t really get a response, but I actually did well. But, it turns out people don’t really change, and she did the exact same thing as before, and ignored me until I gave up. I didn’t take it very hard this time, because I never really grew an attachment to her. I knew she wasn’t worth it.

I just recently started talking to my other childhood friend. (We’ve talked on and off through the years, but she once told me to stop talking to her once, although she says she doesn’t remember it.) She told me that she know has a really bad anxiety problem. She briefly had a job at a hair salon, but quit because her boss triggered her. Apparently, her whole family has anxiety problems and her eldest brother dropped out and took his GED like I did. I really hope that I can have a decent relationship with her in the near future, but she says she isn’t ready to hang out yet.

I have come a very long way with my anxiety. I used to be a complete hermit. I still can’t go anywhere alone. But I go to the store, library, doctors office, and various places and perform ok.

I have one other really big problem though. My physical health has been declining since I was 16. My worst symptoms are severe fatigue (I can usually only stay awake 12 hours a day and sleep at least 12. I once slept 24 hours straight. I get really tired sometimes I can only stay up a couple hours before I have to go back to sleep.), severe night sweats (I am soaked, and soaking the sheets several times a week, all night long, I wake up shivering from cold and I always feel weak the next day) and occasional weakness (sometimes I get shaky and really need to sit or lay down, I feel like I can‘t support myself), among others. I was diagnosed with hypothyroid disease and a couple endocrine problems, but after four years of treatment I only feel worse. I’ve been to so many doctors and not one can tell me what is wrong. I’ve suspected and endocrine disease, that is caused by a tumor on the pituitary gland in the brain, but I don’t have specific enough test results to diagnose, although I do have some sort of cyst or tumor on my pituitary based on MRIs. One really horrible thing, I went to a neurologist to look at my MRI and based on my night sweats and weakness he ran what is called a paraneoplastic antibody test. I came up positive for an antibody that is strongly related to cancer (sometimes 80-90% predictive of breast or lung cancer). But the doctor basically blew me off and said it was probably a lab mistake (yeah right). I had a PET scan done that came clean. I have since been to an Oncologist, who knows nothing about the antibody because it is rare, and I had a breast exam (very uncomfortable) and a breast MRI (which my insurance originally denied me because they didn’t think I needed). The MRI came clean. Sometime in the next year I want to go to the Mayo clinic and try and find someone who knows what this antibody is and can help me. I really think I do have a very small cancer growing in me.

I have been so lost with my health, physical and mental. No one will help me. My dad doesn’t really believe I am as bad off as I make it. Doctors are rude and ignorant and won’t help me. I went to a doctor who is supposed to be renowned and people fly across the country to see her. She didn’t help me at all, and she ended up having her nurse call me and tell me I had a brain tumor and that the next step was surgery, only to call three days later and tell me it was the wrong chart and belonged to someone else.

I am on various pills, that I don’t really think help me. I feel like **** all the time. Nothing helps and I haven’t found anything or anyone that can help me in over four years.

On top of that, I know I can’t get a job working with people. I love animals and want a job working with them. I have a applied to three different places to work at a animal boarding place taking care of animals but I never get a call back. I actually got pretty much forced into a two week training course to be a Sleep Tech (which cost $3,000). I was two weeks from 7 in the morning to 4 in the afternoon. I amazingly, was the most talkative person in the class, I did well. I passed the class with a 99%. I had to put electrodes on people and have them put on me by others. I did pretty well and only got upset when I went home a couple times. I really thought I could do a Sleep Tech because it is pretty minimal social interaction. But I still didn’t feel ready for the class. I’ve looked for jobs in the field but they really only hire experienced and registered techs so I will get nowhere.

My dad doesn’t understand anxiety and never will. He thinks my sister and I (my sister basically has generalized anxiety disorder) are basically mooching off him. He doesn’t understand that I can’t do a normal job, I know I can’t. I have done my own exposure therapy all these years, forcing myself to go places and do things I don’t want to. But I still have these things I can’t get over. My dad also wants me to drive (he bought a car that has since ruined us financially and basically in hopes I would learn to drive and then get a job). I drove around some, and on the main roads. I did well, but I am so uncomfortable and I hate it. I don’t know how I am going to get a license. I can’t see myself trusting myself alone in a vehicle.

One thing that really makes life worth living for me is my animals. I got a cat when I was four years old. She was always there for me. I loved her so much, I could just look at her and see the love in her eyes and feel better. Unfortunately back in Dec. she started acting a little weird. I think she had cancer. She had something wrong with her throat. She couldn’t purr right and would cough. In mid April she stopped eating, then drinking. The last two days (which was a weekend, I wouldn’t have let her suffer as long but our vet was closed until Monday) she only would breathe with her mouth open and it was such a labor, she lost so much weight, she had stopped purring, she couldn’t rest well. I was so upset because I knew what was coming. I tried everything I could when she will still only displaying small symptoms. Early Monday morning I was laying with her on the floor and I could see in her eyes she didn’t want to be here anymore. Two days after my twentieth birthday we brought her to the vet wrapped in my blanket. She got warm and I put her on the cool metal table and wrapped my arm around her and she rested her head in my palm. The vet gave her a sedative and she was almost not breathing anymore. I told her and loved her over and over, and kissed her. And she died in my arms with her face in my palm. We brought her home and buried next to her brother who had died a few years before, with fresh picked roses put in with her. I miss her so much. I hate that she is gone. But all the time I had spent with, was now empty and only after two weeks I went and adopted a kitten because I couldn’t be alone without an animal to love. I am started to get very attached to me new baby, now.

Anyway, I guess when I don’t think about things, I am happy. But then I realize how much everything sucks. My mental and physical health are so bad. I have nowhere to turn. I don’t know how I am supposed to be an adult and function right (especially with my dad breathing down my neck all the time). I don’t see how CBT from a therapist is really any different than forcing myself to do stuff for the last 8 years, but I am on a waiting list for a therapist now, and I am going to see what it is like, even though I don’t really think it will work. I’m so lost and alone sometimes.
Anyway, I know this is really long, even though obviously I have lots of other things to say. But here is the gist of who I am.


I am looking forward to hearing from others that have the same problems as I do. Thank you for reading this. I hope everything is spelled correctly, I don't want to reread the entire thing at the moment.

Chrysta

Welcome back to the forum Chrysta

Welcome back to the forum~
I hope you can find the comfort here that you're looking for!

Take care!

Welcome back! I hope that everything works out with your friend moving to Arizona, and it's really a pleasure to meet you. : )

first of all welcome back to the forum, you sound like a genuinly beautiful person.

One thing you should note is that at 20 your still young and so don't worry too much that you're a little late getting a licence..its not all that late..it will come in good time.

another thing is that with friends don't put too much emphasis on the fact that friends come and go and that friends from your younger years have gone their separate ways, i think in life this is a fairly common occurance. its very rare people keep their best buds from childhood etc, even if they live in the same suburb. you almost sound like your blamming yourself for this..

.i've noticed that even with the most outgoing of people, they will have groups of friends that change to differnt people over time, its just a natural course of life. people change, adapt, get sick of each other, get different careers or get invloved in differnt activities...and with their ever changing and evolving life, their freinds invetiably change, its not unique to you or just socially anxious people..most ppl experiance this.

now with your health...maybe its a simple as you have gotten yourelf into a routine of too much sleep? ..as getting too much sleep has the ironic affect of making you feel tired when your awake. maybe all it would take is a break of routine? maybe force yourself to get up with an alarm every morning and go for an early morning walk or somthing? and see if you end up feeling more energised once your body gets used to it? you should only get about 8hrs max a day...force yourslf to get less and see if things start to turn around?...other then that you do sound like you may have cronic fatigue syndrome..which isn't easily diagnosed..i wont go into that, but its not usually a permanent disorder.

what about your diet? are you eating good foods?...having a poor diet will soon zap the living out of you.
also with regards to work, you mentioned how exposure therapy has worked wonderes with other aspects of your life like study etc..then why are you so quick to dissmiss it in terms of getting a job? don't limit yourself with respect to what jobs you apply for thinking you wont be able to handle this or that...as forcing yourself to have a go at some types of jobs can end up being the best thing thats ever happened to you...i say this from experiance. just put yourself out there with all differnrent types of work you apply for, i gurantee you wont regret it in the end..sure you will find it hard at first but in due time it gets easier and easier. goodluck

Welcome back Chrysta!
Im glad your sisters health got better, I hope yours will too!
Im also starting CBT, dont think its going to work really but worth a shot.
Best of luck to you!

Hi, everyone. Thanks for the welcome.

Thank you for the reply 'skins' and the compliment.

I wouldn't be so worried about the driving thing, but my dad wraps that right in with getting a job and doing what needs to be done. My problem with it, is that when I do eventually get a job I will need my mom or sister to drive me all the time.

I understand that people grow and childhood friendships change. But when I was 13 or so they friendships didn't end nicely or even mutually, they just threw me away. It's not that I want to hold on to old friendships, it's that when I have friends I care about, I want to keep them, and every friend I have had seems perfectly willing to throw a good relationship away. And when that happens I am left with no one. I have a good relationship with my mom and sister, so they are my friends, but I basically don't have any outside friends, at least until my online friend moves out here. For the most part though, I enjoy being alone. I have my family and animals to keep me company and a lot of the time, people just aren't worth it.

The problem with my health is that all the simple explainations don't fit. My dad thinks I sleep the way I do because I am lazy and don't have a schedule. When I went to my Sleep Tech class I forced myself up at 6:30 in the morning and stayed up until around 9 at night. But the only way I managed was by taking at least two 5 hour energy drinks, one in the morning and one after lunch. When I didn't, I felt so worn down and wanted to sleep so bad. My sleep changes all the time. Sometimes I can stay up for a normal amount, even 20 hours or so, and they next day I can only stay up my normal 12. Or I will sleep a lot one day and a couple days later not need a lot. I can't control it at all. But whenever I do force myself to wake up, I am normally too tired to do anything.

My diet isn't too bad. I've discussed the idea of food having an effect on me, but I really haven't changed my eating much is the last 4 years and things just keep getting worse. I'm willing to think that it may have a slight bit to do with it, but I know something is wrong with my body to begin with, and that is what needs to be found and fixed.

I suppose it did sound like I thought my own exposure has helped so much. I really don't think so. I think about 70% of my progress has been done by my antidepressants. I went a week without taking them once and my symptoms started coming right back, it really scared me and I haven't not taken my pills since then. Of course some of the progress comes from facing things and getting used to doing it. But one of my big problems is, sometimes the things I have done a million times (like the grocery store) will out of nowhere cause me symptoms. It's not that I expect bad things to happen, so I'm wide open to feel bad when they do, it's that I expect things to go well, and get slapped in the face when they go bad for no reason. And that's just the thing, I got through that class pretty well, and the next thing I know, I start blushing horribly while having a conversation with someone. It comes out of nowhere sometimes and it really makes me doubt what I can handle.

Sometimes I do think I am underestimating myself, and that I could maybe get a regular job. But I can't even make phone calls without getting nervous. I went to get a hair cut and I started twitching. I think I know because I am supposed to stay still, I put pressure on myself to do that and I start twitching. I got my ear pierced and I twitched so badly the guy thought I was weird. I really have a problem with people my own age and males especially. When I got that haircut, two young guys came in and I started blushing just by them being there. But then I can do things that suprise me sometimes. And then back to freaking out when I didn't expect it. I feel deep down that I cannot put myself in a job where I have to answer phones, or work with people often. It's too much. And that is why I am so upset and stuck. Because I know I still need help, I can't continue to grow and become an adult when I am so stuck like this.

I want to make my own pet sitting business because that would be the most perfect thing for me, but I don't know if it will work.

Sometimes I think I am doing well. Because I know how much I have progressed from the time when I couldn't even come out of my room. I have grown so much as a person in these years. But when I see these symptoms come to me now, I know that I am still really messed up. I have to force myself to do everything. To go to the store or doctor, anywhere. I almost never enjoy going anywhere. I never go anywhere alone because I am too afraid, plus I can't drive. After 8 years of doing this, I still force every social thing I do. Only sometimes do I enjoy hanging out with people, and I have to know them well enough to be comfortable enough to enjoy myself. But I feel I can't work, I can't do anything alone, my mental and physical health are bad, I don't have friends, I can't imagine what I am going to do with my future and when I am ever going to get better. I have wasted so many years of my life already. I may be only 20, but I have spent the last 8 years living life trapped in these little boxes that I can't find a way out of. Yes, there are good times I can look back on, but my entire adolecense was spent in fear. So many years that my true potential was forced down, and I am still there. I know that I have more in me than being the almost 'nothing' that I am. And when I say that, I don't mean that I think I mean nothing, I love my personality, I love myself as much as I can, but I am so unproductive, I haven't progressed in the way people normally do. And if I could, I don't think I would take these experiences away because they make me a better person and who I am today, but they have essentially ruined me. I don't want to be like this anymore.

Welcome back to SPW Chrysta.

Hi Chrysta,welcome back.I'm sorry to hear your story.I really hope things gets better for you.

hey chrysta, that's quite a story. I can relate to a lot of it.

I'm also 20 years old. It's a rough stage of life to begin with, but it certainly helps that you have an idea of what you want to do; working with pets is an admirable choice and there are many career opportunities around it. I envy your ability to thoroughly analyze events, and more so your ability to express them so clearly in writing. I imagine that will prove to be very helpful. Do you have any plans for a course of action regarding your near future?

I'm a dropout as well, had a bit of a dicey academic experience. I moved so frequently that I never made a proper friend, never had the opportunity to grow alongside peers. Anybody who I did get along with was torn from me the following year. As the years progressed, fitting in became more and more difficult. I couldn't bring myself to get close to anybody, fearing I'd lose them; added with the fact that as kids get older, the groups become increasingly critical of those who are different. I was the new kid, basically faceless in a room full of faces my entire life. I believe it has had a strain on my social development.

I agree with skins in that people do change over a course of time; interests, pursuits and so forth. It certainly is not your fault in that respect. Things bring people together, if those things are the fortifying factor of a relationship, and are subject to change, the relationship may very well deplete. Not to say that people go from liking to disliking you, it's just that people do what is in their best interest most of the time. I think the key component for lasting friendship is mutual and genuine care for one another, regardless of the interests and opposing perspectives that bring two together. This is a rare from my personal observation.

I believe you're very capable of doing what you want to do. I feel the more you do something and the results prove to be okay, the more it will edge into a bit of a comfort zone. We can sit here wondering about what it is or we can take action, molding it into how it could be.

Paahi said:

Welcome back Chrysta!
Im glad your sisters health got better, I hope yours will too!
Im also starting CBT, dont think its going to work really but worth a shot.
Best of luck to you!

Click to expand...

Well to be fair, its not going to work when you tell yourself that it wont. You have to tell yourself that you can do it, and that it will work That works for me.

Hi, and welcome back to the forum.

Hello, IGotSeoul.

Thank you for the compliments.

I can't imagine moving so often. I've lived in the same town my whole life, and the same house since I was 2 years old. I do know how it feels to be faceless in a room of people. When I did go to school, I was just the strange, quiet, smart girl who almost never talked.

I would love to work with animals, but really the field doesn't pay much. I've applied at three different animal boarding jobs. I'm trying to research data entry, something I can do with limited contact. But there really aren't many options.

But I have always felt that I wanted to be better than this, physically and mentally before I got a job.

I'm also trying to research a pet sitting business....

Other than that, I have no idea what I can possibly do for my future. Do you have a job?

Hi Chrysta, welcome back. Hope the best for you.

ChrystaR said:

Hello, IGotSeoul.

Thank you for the compliments.

I can't imagine moving so often. I've lived in the same town my whole life, and the same house since I was 2 years old. I do know how it feels to be faceless in a room of people. When I did go to school, I was just the strange, quiet, smart girl who almost never talked.

I would love to work with animals, but really the field doesn't pay much. I've applied at three different animal boarding jobs. I'm trying to research data entry, something I can do with limited contact. But there really aren't many options.

But I have always felt that I wanted to be better than this, physically and mentally before I got a job.

I'm also trying to research a pet sitting business....

Other than that, I have no idea what I can possibly do for my future. Do you have a job?

Click to expand...

I don't have a job. My situation is a bit complicated. I'm financially comfortable and afraid I can not entirely relate to having a passion or focused interest in particular field or study.

Research certainly does help. I'm sure there are schools, classes and things of that nature to help assist you when you are prepared. I'm confident that you will be able to find something suitable for your personal tastes, as there are a lot of opportunities out there. It's just a matter of being affirmative, being ready to embrace those opportunities. A temporary job would not hurt (especially one within your personal liking), just for the experience at least. It may or may not help, but sometimes just familiarizing yourself with a general environment and expanding your comfort zone can do good.

And yes it would be favorable if you received a proper diagnosis and competent doctors to do such, if only to relieve you of any anxiety regarding your health.