Is the problem that you try to initiate and people don't reciprocate or that you still feel lonely despite being able to connect with people?
No reciprocation, or we don't mesh very well. I don't want to try to force a situation where two people casually get along to be something more.
I make a point of connecting to people where I can to make up for it. I appreciate being able to chat with cashiers and students in different programs before our respective classes begin, but unless we see each other more than once and are able to deepen conversation it's hard to turn that into anything more than a passing meeting. I got the impression once that two of us were wanting to say something more, but weren't sure how to approach it or if it was really wanted. And for me, that's a success story - no luck with locals in similar situations on other forums. Either they avoid me after we meet in person, or they don't take me up on my offer to help study our similar class materials.
I can accept that sometimes people don't click, but the worst is when it's purely by chance. I was talking to a classmate throughout the first day earlier this month and hoping that we'd see each other again, but it's an "attendance optional" course. They work full-time in addition to taking classes, so they're often exhausted and are probably using this time to sleep. I wouldn't expect them to feel close enough to me after one day to make a point of showing up again, but it's still a kick in the guts to have that opportunity vanish into thin air.
It wears on me mentally to live like this day in and day out, wanting to be connected to the world beyond my PC and my books but having so little opportunity to do so in lasting ways. I don't
want coping mechanisms (I want to be involved in what's going on out there, connecting, and learning through talking to others), but it's my last resort. I can't focus on studying when I'm constantly taking these blows with nothing to return to but an empty home and Steam. I can't focus when I'm constantly hearing incriminating speech that points a finger at me, like how all women receive nonstop attention, how I should simply be happy alone, or how I simply need to put myself out there more - as if I'm even more messed up for it.
And yes - it wears on my physical health. I have actual, physical health problems that are caused at least in part due to stress, which is why I get hostile when met with cliche advice like how I should simply be happy alone and stop doing it to myself. It's not meant to be directed at you personally, and I'm sorry if it is, but I'm in a phase where I'm just not sleeping. I hate feeling so powerless in my own life, and it's hard not to turn the blame on some fundamental aspect of my own nature after all these years of working to become someone better.