Visiting & staying with Friends or Family

[findingbeauty]

I'll be leaving on a trip soon to visit out of state relatives and am terrified. My social phobia stems from being separated from my parents at a young age and constantly bouncing from one relative (or occasional non-relative) to another, so I am sensitive to staying in someone else's territory even as an adult. I have SAD, GAD, and related sleep problems so I do things a little differently from the norm. I need plenty of quiet time and I sleep a late schedule. Because of the time difference I'll be getting up two hours later, roughly noon-12:30pm. And yes, I need to maintain this schedule on the trip to get sleep and feel sane. I feel very vulnerable staying with people because of this and am afraid of being judged - they can be very judgmental. Also, quite a few of my relatives are incessant talkers and it can get overwhelming for me if I'm with them one-on-one and am trapped with the intense talking. Anyone out there have similar difficulties with any of this? Anyone have any tips for handling it? If anyone's familiar with HSP, that's me.

 

[findingbeauty]

I'm back from my trip. It was pretty hard. Just curious...how come no one replied? Is it because I'm new, or no one relates? Or I said something wrong? Would appreciate feedback.

 

[Kat]

Yeah it’s hard to deal with people like that but at least you tried. I still don’t know if the more you deal with it the stronger you get but it shouldn’t let you stop from living your life. I’ll be in a similar predicament I’ll be meeting my bf family for the first time. My bf is pretty talkative and loud he is a high strung person if I didn’t know him personally those traits would be some of the traits that intimidate me most in a person but he is the only person I really feel at ease with. I’m a bit worried about some things I don’t know if I will grow emotionally but there are things I need to do and I can’t let those things take control of me.

I hope you got some enjoyment out of the trip I usually try to look for the silver lining of it all.

 

[findingbeauty]

Thanks for the reply, Kat. I hope things go well with your bf's family.

 

[Gianluca1981]

This is a nightmare!
I avoid this situations because I think I can die for the stress!
I grew up with my cousin, who get married last year, he called me for the party, I said OK I will come. But I didn't go, I can't bear all outgoing relatives that drink, sing, chat ecc. in a party, I am an alien in front of them. My cousin don't talk anymore with me, is better.
The last time I went in a party with the relatives was at my brother's wedding, in that occasion I said: "NEVER MORE" and I have been avoiding all social events of relatives.
I went to work in another city and now I moved in another country!!

 

[Flanscho]

I visit my family three to four times a year. This year only two times though, since I was busy moving into a new flat, when I'd normally visit them. In about three weeks, I'm at my family again.

For me, visiting my family is always... pretty weird. On the way there, by train, I'm often getting depressed, as the landscape becomes more and more familiar, and reminds me on my teenage years, which were definitely not very nice. My family (parents + sometimes sister when she ain't working + rarely brother + his wife) tries a lot to make me feel welcome. They fetch me from the train station, despite me telling them that it's not necessary. They ask me what food I want, and have little bowls with chocolate in the flat, buy tea for me (I drink a lot of tea) and so on.

Still, I feel a bit trapped there. There is no way to get absolute privacy. Yes, if not too many people are there, I have a room for myself, and can close the door. Still... I try to help them as good as I can, to be useful. I dutifully watch their vacation photos, compliment my mother on her garden, listen to my fathers quarrels with creationists and about his new stamp collection, help them with their computers, and so on.
Now, since I got a laptop with an internet stick, I'm glad to be still somewhat connected to friends, and not totally isolated.

After a few days though, I start to feel more comfortable at my family. And when I leave, after about four or five days, then I have a bad conscience for leaving early. About having moved away just like that, a decade ago (even though I phone with them once a week).

 

[findingbeauty]

Thanks for sharing your stories, Gianluca and Flanscho. I find it super hard to travel or stay with people unless they understand, accept, and respect my issues and boundaries, which is hard to find! When I tell people I have sleep issues (and sometimes I'll go as far to say I struggle with anxiety and my sleep is directly tied to my anxiety levels), people seem to "nod" the ok, but then try to force you into their mold anyway when it actually comes in to play.

What's stranger is that those in my family that have mental health challenges are often the worst about accepting mine. For example, I have a cousin through a great uncle. Over the years she's invited me to stay overnight when other relatives are visiting (I lived about 1.3 hours away). I told her beforehand that I have trouble sleeping and not to wake me in the morning if I am not up yet. What happens? She comes in at 6am in a loud voice, "Good morning, Cousin!!! Time to get up!" and again at 8am. The next time she invited me I said no, and she said, "Oh, I'll let you sleep in". I stayed and she sent the children in to tackle me. That was supposed to be a two night stay. That evening, I told everyone goodnight and it was nice seeing everyone as I made for the door. She began to remind me that I was to sleep there and that I could stay there. I told her I do not wake up early and I need a good night's sleep. She pleaded and swore she wouldn't wake me this time. I told her not to worry about it and have a good night - I was pleasant the whole time and didn't make a big drama out of it. I simply knew that it was not a place where my needs were taken seriously nor respected.

This is a nightmare!
I avoid this situations because I think I can die for the stress!
...
"NEVER MORE" and I have been avoiding all social events of relatives. :
I went to work in another city and now I moved in another country!! :eek

YEs, the stress is unbearable! But do you have trouble keeping/building strong relationships with your out-of-town relatives if you don't visit. This is my struggle, because as I've gotten older I realize the value of family and that we truly do need others. I think as challenging as family is they are the only ones who potentially have your back in truly hard times.

How is it living in another country??

... My family (parents + sometimes sister when she ain't working + rarely brother + his wife) tries a lot to make me feel welcome. They fetch me from the train station, despite me telling them that it's not necessary. They ask me what food I want, and have little bowls with chocolate in the flat, buy tea for me (I drink a lot of tea) and so on.

... Still... I try to help them as good as I can, to be useful. I dutifully watch their vacation photos, compliment my mother on her garden, listen to my fathers quarrels with creationists and about his new stamp collection, help them with their computers, and so on.

Exactly! I don't think people realize how taxing it is to be the receptacle of so much information about their lives. In small doses would be fine, but that's rarely the case.

I think it's great that your family shows that they really care. I really don't think my relatives don't really care that much on a deeper level, which adds to my stress at visits.