Most embarrassing conversation ever

[Scared Dreamer]

I've moved back home with my parents after graduating art school to save money. I've been living at home for around a year and half. I work from home and in general like being alone just so I can socialize once and a while. I've lost touch with a lot of my friends because they have given up on there dreams and they don't want to be friends with me because I haven't given up despite the challenge of being an independent fine artist. For the last year in a half I've been really only seeing my boyfriend once or twice a week. I haven't learned to drive yet even though I'm 25 and he just comes over to hang out. I was fine with this until he started not really paying attention to me because of him suffering from depression. I've started to become depressed myself and I've been choosing people I know to talk to in my head to try not to feel so lonely.

I didn't even realize how weird I've become out of loneliness. I've always been a bit shy and awkward. Recently I met up with an old acquaintance to talk about a possible gallery show with him. I've been attracted to him in the past, which is why I accidently made a complete fool of myself and made myself out to be absolutely crazy. It didn't help that I'm a lightweight and he had given me a beer to drink. It was on an empty stomach and I had had very little sleep the night before and a very stressful day.

I kept blurting out everything that came to mind which included my sexual frustration, my obsessions, my weird beliefs, my fears about possibly being sexually abused as child (although I really can't recall anything specific) and I said negative things about everyone in my life. I talked about everything I have done wrong in my life which included the worst thing I've done which is cheat on my boyfriend (he knows and has forgiven me.) I told my acquaintance about my ocd fears that are irrational like the fear of stealing and hurting others. I don't steal or hurt others. If anything it's the fear that others are accusing me of stealing or hurting others and the fear of judgement of others. I kept trying to defend each thing I said only making it worse and worse. I apologized but I ruined my reputation.

Afterwards I felt so filled with shame that I entered into my worst ocd episode ever and was only able to think about the conversation for over 2 weeks. I would pace, say my repetitive phrases, not sleep for more then 3 hours, hardly eat, and feel confused with what I actually said versus what may have been elaborated on with my imagination. Everything i watch on tv feels like something embarrassing that we talked about. I have finally been able to stop waking up with a panic attack, and have been able to sleep and eat. I still feel filled with intense shame and embarrassment.

I'm a believer in self help. I just want to get over this and not feel filled with shame anymore. I would be grateful for any advice.

 

[mart22n]

Hi,

An acquintance of mine (who's very outgoing) once said to me "Basically, you shouldn't be ashamed of anything."

A friend of mine said to me recently, "The only things you should be ashamed of are when you do bad things to other people or "lick others' boots" for your own advantage".

What was his reaction to your "blurting"? You can tell him afterwards you're sorry about making him feel uncomfortable (or maybe not?) by telling those "hard truths" about yourself.

Anyway, I'd say no big deal, you got a lot of things out of your chest

 

[Mickery]

I did something similar, I'm sure it's affected their opinion of me and we don't talk much now. It's awkward and I still feel dreadful about it months later. Lesson learned.

 

[kilojoule]

We've all done it

Oh some of the things I cringe about haha and sometimes I laugh

but really 'time' is the best cure

I had one fight after another with my bf in the weeks after I lost my mother and he kept trying to drag me out to big events when my issues were at their absaloute worst. He did this all the time and I always put up a fight but then Id cave. One night He brought me to his cousin's engagement party and I got really drunk and sat there all night talking to one of his closest friends telling him and everybody what a complete ******* my boyfriend was and how much I hated him and everything hed done then I started crying about my mother and then on the way home he wouldnt speak to me I threw up in his car and then when we pulled up outdlside my apt he said I'm so pissed with you, you made such a holy show of me! And I slapped him across the face and then fell out of the car.

Now how I laugh, I think its hysterically funny.

 

[MikeyC]

Drunk conversations. We've all been there. As Jewel said, time is the best cure and it's something you will eventually let go of.

 

[da_illest101]

Drunk conversations. We've all been there. As Jewel said, time is the best cure and it's something you will eventually let go of.

Not if you hate alcohol like i do

On topic: what was his reaction?

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I also tend to over share sometimes...and then I will think to myself "why, why did you say that? Why?!!!" Can't take it back. But we are only human, and like the others have mentioned, we have all done it. Time does make it better. Going back to that conversation will make it harder to let go of that shame though. Acknowledge the thought but don't dwell on it. I have ocd and ocd tendencies, so I know how hard it can be to just let it go. But remember we all make mistakes. We are not perfect. We'd all forgive a friend, so why not ourselves? Be kind to yourself. And you know, people do appreciate people being real. I know I do. I wouldn't have been freaked out by such a conversation.

An acquintance of mine (who's very outgoing) once said to me "Basically, you shouldn't be ashamed of anything."

I really like that. I wrote it down in my journal We just have to "own it" and be who we are. Of course, it is not always appropriate to unload all our baggage onto others, but **** happens. We are only human!

 

[Scared Dreamer]

Wow thank you everyone for writing back to me! It was definitely a lesson learned...many lessons learned. Weirdly at points in the conversation I had no embarrassment or shame which was probably one of the problems. I really shouldn't of said such vulgar things. His reaction was sort of mixed. At times he seamed horrified, at other times empathetic, and I definitely turned him on too.

He has a girlfriend though and at the moment I'm still trying to make things work with my boyfriend. It's so hard though because I can't pull him out of the depression. He doesn't want to go back to school because he keeps failing one of his classes (the last class he needs to graduate.) He's also depressed because he lives with his mother who non stop nags him and he's getting over being addicted to drugs. We used to be so happy together when he was full of life but now he doesn't want to move out of bed and has lost so much weight. Everyone in my life has said to leave him but I can't abandon him while he needs me. I've been with him 4 years. He's been there for me when I've needed him.

I've been trying to find positive aspects to the conversation. I'm a very passionate person and I talked about the importance of fully committing to your projects and ideas. I told him I thought everyone had something special about them and that people forget how powerful they can be if they could only put full belief in their ideas. I also critiqued his work so I feel like I helped motivate him. I at least feel confident that I will succeed in some way with the art world. It's just my love life that's bringing me down. The other thing I find positive from this negative experience was I had talked to him about a piece I was thinking about making and he helped push my ideas. I just finished it last night and it really uplifted me. I also realized from this experience that my ocd had the potential to be a lot worse then I thought it was. I did a a lot of research afterwards to figure out how to recognize when I'm about to trigger a episode because of stress. I was definitely beyond stressed before I went over to his place to talk. I was having trouble thinking clearly after spending 3 hours in a lecture I couldn't comprehend.

 

[Johno]

The fact that you feel guilty and remorseful suggests that you have, in a christian way, a good conscience, character, sixth sense. We all make mistakes....... Just as you have done, admit to them, apoligise for them, (if religious) pray for forgiveness and then go and try and sin or upset others no more (or at least less). Then you will be free!!!!!!!!!!