Escaping social anxiety--realistic goal?

[Josette]

Has anyone suffering from SA or AvPD ever really escaped from it? Been "cured"?

Last week I was at pretty much my lowest point ever in terms of feeling hopeless about ever having a future that didn't involve sitting home alone until I die of old age. I, of course, had a sobfest in the shrink's office. Anyway, she says I need to let go of this fantasy that some day I'll be an outgoing, highly social, anxiety-free, adventurous person who lives life to the fullest and has tons of friends and a boyfriend. She says I need to have more realistic expectations.

I guess she's right, but it's so depressing. How am I supposed to just let go of my fantasy of being who I want to be and accept that the best I can hope for is 'less anxious' than I am now? Aren't we supposed to reach for the stars? Be all you can be? I guess she's saying this small thing over here is all you can be, so accept it and you'll be happier. But...well that just sucks.

 

[missjesss]

She sounds like a ****ed psychologist if u ask me!! But hey I'm still in the same boat even tho I do have a bf and some friends I still don't like seeing them coz I feel so awkward around

 

[Beatrice]

WOW, your therapist told you that? How awful! I'm sorry you had to hear that, it would certainly make me feel terrible as well!

I don't have any answers, but I do know that there are better therapists and treatment approaches out there, so I think it would be worth your while to go elsewhere. If your therapist isn't encouraging you and giving you hope, he or she is not the therapist for you in my opinion.

 

[mozart87]

it's difficult to find a suitable therapist

 

[kihira]

Has anyone suffering from SA or AvPD ever really escaped from it? Been "cured"?

Last week I was at pretty much my lowest point ever in terms of feeling hopeless about ever having a future that didn't involve sitting home alone until I die of old age. I, of course, had a sobfest in the shrink's office. Anyway, she says I need to let go of this fantasy that some day I'll be an outgoing, highly social, anxiety-free, adventurous person who lives life to the fullest and has tons of friends and a boyfriend. She says I need to have more realistic expectations.

I guess she's right, but it's so depressing. How am I supposed to just let go of my fantasy of being who I want to be and accept that the best I can hope for is 'less anxious' than I am now? Aren't we supposed to reach for the stars? Be all you can be? I guess she's saying this small thing over here is all you can be, so accept it and you'll be happier. But...well that just sucks.

You can learn to manage your anxiety so that it feels like you've been mostly cured, it will always kick in here and there but you will have the tools and skills to carry on regardless. I rarely get anxious to the point of panic attacks anymore and the last time I did i was able to control it. If you truly want to be the outgoing person you describe the I believe it is possible, but dont expect to be totally anxiety free. No one is, some just handle it better than others.

I dont think the psych was saying that you cant be anything but that small thing; she would perhaps be saying to take small achievable steps so that you experience successes along the way.

One thought to consider is whether you want to be outgoing or if its that you believe you should be outgoing in order to feel a success. Some folk with SA think its important to be the opposite of how they are now in order to have won the battle, when its perfectly ok to live life as a confident asocial introvert.

 

[Mickery]

Think of it as somebody who isn't a great singer, but dreams of being a pop star. It's not realistic for them to reach such lofty heights because it's not within their grasp, but they could still learn to sing very well, for themselves or others, and have a great time doing it. They could even become bitter and frustrated if they spend time fantasizing about fame when they're no real chance they can get there.

It sounds like you're aiming for the very top, there's many places along the way you could stop and still be outgoing and perfectly happy. 9/10 is terrific even if you wanted 10/10, and I doubt you'd notice the difference. You know better than anyone who you "really" are, and whether super-adventurous and all the rest represents Josette at heart, I'm sure if you thought about it long enough you'd realise whether your ambition is possible.

Fantasy is very healthy when you make the right use of it, and you can use it to paint a realistic picture as well as a truly dream-like picture. Really, it's only a problem when you're unable to separate the two.

I wouldn't like to comment on the therapist as I don't know either of you, but that may have been what she was thinking.

 

[Josette]

One thought to consider is whether you want to be outgoing or if its that you believe you should be outgoing in order to feel a success. Some folk with SA think its important to be the opposite of how they are now in order to have won the battle, when its perfectly ok to live life as a confident asocial introvert.

That's a good point. I'll have to think about that.

 

[Josette]

Think of it as somebody who isn't a great singer, but dreams of being a pop star. It's not realistic for them to reach such lofty heights because it's not within their grasp, but they could still learn to sing very well, for themselves or others, and have a great time doing it. They could even become bitter and frustrated if they spend time fantasizing about fame when they're no real chance they can get there.

It sounds like you're aiming for the very top, there's many places along the way you could stop and still be outgoing and perfectly happy. 9/10 is terrific even if you wanted 10/10, and I doubt you'd notice the difference. You know better than anyone who you "really" are, and whether super-adventurous and all the rest represents Josette at heart, I'm sure if you thought about it long enough you'd realise whether your ambition is possible.

Fantasy is very healthy when you make the right use of it, and you can use it to paint a realistic picture as well as a truly dream-like picture. Really, it's only a problem when you're unable to separate the two.

I wouldn't like to comment on the therapist as I don't know either of you, but that may have been what she was thinking.

Yes, I think that's what she meant. Still depresses me though.

I've definitely got the "bitter and frustrated" part down. I need lower my expectations to something more realistic. It's just hard to let go of the dream.

 

[Kiwong]

I escape from anxiety quite regularly, it might be an hour, a day or a week. I'm not free of it, and I'm not sure there is a cure, but I'm doign pretty well, and happy with where my life is at.

I'd say I'm a highly adventurous, creative person. That's a pretty good start. Some other things I'll never be, but they are not things I need to change anyway.