Time for a change..

[Obstacle 1]

Hi all, I consider myself a functioning anxiety sufferer in that I can go out but struggle doing things alone. I called off dating a girl recently I met online, I have a whole thread about it.. Anyway that isn't what this is about.. The point is in the aftermath I have felt a strong push of motivation to actually change the way I live. This girl, while younger than me (I'm 24 she's 21) has much more life experience (not too hard I guess), she has lived overseas, travelled around the country, lives away from her parents, is open, always meeting new people, seeking new experiences. I was captivated.

I basically live in my 3x4m patch in my parents house, sitting, waiting, pining... held back by my fears, anxieties, distrust, and closed mind. I pace withinin my small comfort zone, avoiding surprises, talking over the same topics in the light of "i should", "it would be nice to".. you know.

I thought I was OK and I was happy before I met her, but it was just a construct in my mind.. I am not LIVING, I am merely EXISTING in this state.. If I want to find more people like this which I click with, I need to change.

My anxiety stops me from doing things I enjoy: live music, performances, viewing art, cultural events, coffee in a nice cafe etc. I realised I have not allowed myself to enjoy any of my interests beyond what I can do privately in my own room. I don't ask people to do things together, its only if they ask me and then I have to think about it really hard.. I limit my dreams to things I can achieve without having to change.

But it is like once I have opened up this can of worms, having had feelings for someone and feeling alive, I cannot go back to how I was before and accept it because I know that is a state of emptyness..

So what do I do? I have 3 months before I graduate university.. beyond finishing that and studying for exams which are in 2 months I want to start a process of change. This will work towards being ok with persuing my own interests out in the real world without worrying what others think.

I was thinking by attending one "event/place" a week alone, that would be a good start, there is always something interesting on somewhere here..Though I have been to a couple of gigs by myself before, I felt so alone and left out, I didn't know what to do with myself when the band wasn't on and it was super awkward.. it wont be easy that's for sure.

After all that, has anyone got any advice, words of motivation? stories of how you have done it?

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Awesome!! I personnally hate going to music shows alone because as you said, it feels awkward, but if you do it once a week you will get used to it for sure! You can also try to invite people to go with you, I think going to have a beer watching some live music is always an enjoyable thing to do when going out with a friend/date. There is also easier stuff to do alone in the things you mention like having a coffee in a nice café and viewing art, they are things that a lot of people do alone, they are zen things to do and I find it being good exposure. It's also a good way to meet people if you always go to the same café and the same art galleries, and you will get more comfortable as weeks pass by, going back to the same places. Art galleries and cafés... thanks for posting this, I used to do that all the time and I stopped, now I think I'll start doing it again

 

[Darryl]

Best piece of advice I could give you which takes alot of practice with the reward being in control of SA- not the way it is now for you.

If you have walked along way with SA on your shoulders and ARE READY for change.

Make you decission to go for coffee, the movies, the shops what ever- JUST DON'T ANALYSE, as soon as negative thoughts try to undo you, STOP think of something else.

Everything you could possibly do is a everyday occurance, your not the first to go to the movies, shops etc and really there is no right or wrong way to do everyday things.

Just don't go back and tell your self "oh I should of done it this way or maybe they are thinking ill of me" Nun of this.. move on fast, move on to your next postive thoughts, BUILD UP THE THRESHOLD OVER SA.

To know if your making postive steps the SA WILL I PROMISE make your next decission extremelly hard and the SA will work over time for you to crack.

Yes, you will crack, understand that when it happens, so next time you start to control your breathing and start to move your mind away from disruptive thoughts.
This is a hard road and SA will rattle your cage to knock you down at every oportuntity, so you can either breathe and move your mind on making your threshold stronger or you can give in and achieve nothing.

Every decision you make needs no after thoughts, practice this ALL the time.

Darryl

 

[kihira]

Awesome!! I personnally hate going to music shows alone because as you said, it feels awkward, but if you do it once a week you will get used to it for sure! You can also try to invite people to go with you, I think going to have a beer watching some live music is always an enjoyable thing to do when going out with a friend/date. There is also easier stuff to do alone in the things you mention like having a coffee in a nice café and viewing art, they are things that a lot of people do alone, they are zen things to do and I find it being good exposure. It's also a good way to meet people if you always go to the same café and the same art galleries, and you will get more comfortable as weeks pass by, going back to the same places. Art galleries and cafés... thanks for posting this, I used to do that all the time and I stopped, now I think I'll start doing it again

Nice concept - zen things to do alone - there's stuff I prefer to do by myself and now I understand why :]

Other ways to zen out:

Browse the library or DVD shop
Wander supermarket aisles
Walk/ride around interesting places

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I graduate too from university soon. I was living 3 years ago; or starting to. I found I've had opportunities, we ALL DO... taking them is the difference. Plenty of time to live my friend. Risk - it's not easy but risk - you dont have to accept going back to what you were; you may feel emptiness again but that doesn't need to redefine you. Risk and live. Simplistic to say sure =D

I'm happy for my potential future of living. Make a plan, I know things I MUST do once I graduate; and want to do. And so, instead of thinking about it, WILL do it.

 

[Obstacle 1]

Awesome!! I personnally hate going to music shows alone because as you said, it feels awkward, but if you do it once a week you will get used to it for sure! You can also try to invite people to go with you, I think going to have a beer watching some live music is always an enjoyable thing to do when going out with a friend/date. There is also easier stuff to do alone in the things you mention like having a coffee in a nice café and viewing art, they are things that a lot of people do alone, they are zen things to do and I find it being good exposure. It's also a good way to meet people if you always go to the same café and the same art galleries, and you will get more comfortable as weeks pass by, going back to the same places. Art galleries and cafés... thanks for posting this, I used to do that all the time and I stopped, now I think I'll start doing it again

Thanks for the reply and I am glad I helped spur you on . I know I could probably drag people along to these things but the purpose of my exercise is to be ok with doing it alone, not having to rely on others to do what I want to do.. At the moment even the quiet zen things make me uncomfortable

Best piece of advice I could give you which takes alot of practice with the reward being in control of SA- not the way it is now for you.

If you have walked along way with SA on your shoulders and ARE READY for change.

Make you decission to go for coffee, the movies, the shops what ever- JUST DON'T ANALYSE, as soon as negative thoughts try to undo you, STOP think of something else.

Everything you could possibly do is a everyday occurance, your not the first to go to the movies, shops etc and really there is no right or wrong way to do everyday things.

Just don't go back and tell your self "oh I should of done it this way or maybe they are thinking ill of me" Nun of this.. move on fast, move on to your next postive thoughts, BUILD UP THE THRESHOLD OVER SA.

To know if your making postive steps the SA WILL I PROMISE make your next decission extremelly hard and the SA will work over time for you to crack.

Yes, you will crack, understand that when it happens, so next time you start to control your breathing and start to move your mind away from disruptive thoughts.
This is a hard road and SA will rattle your cage to knock you down at every oportuntity, so you can either breathe and move your mind on making your threshold stronger or you can give in and achieve nothing.

Every decision you make needs no after thoughts, practice this ALL the time.

Darryl

Thanks for that Darryl! Great advice and something I will work on. I will admit to being a chronic overthinker.

It reminds me of these lyrics which apply to me now: "Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind. Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind."

Nice concept - zen things to do alone - there's stuff I prefer to do by myself and now I understand why :]

Other ways to zen out:

Browse the library or DVD shop
Wander supermarket aisles
Walk/ride around interesting places

Good ideas. I feel like (trying to avoid the use of "thinking" : a trip the botanic gardens here if the weather holds.. the one in the city is very nice and I could take my camera.

I graduate too from university soon. I was living 3 years ago; or starting to. I found I've had opportunities, we ALL DO... taking them is the difference. Plenty of time to live my friend. Risk - it's not easy but risk - you dont have to accept going back to what you were; you may feel emptiness again but that doesn't need to redefine you. Risk and live. Simplistic to say sure =D

I'm happy for my potential future of living. Make a plan, I know things I MUST do once I graduate; and want to do. And so, instead of thinking about it, WILL do it.

All the best with the studies! I agree there is time to live yet, and "risk and live" is a great motto I may have to use . Lately I have not thought about what I will do when I finish and it is very close. I have no plans no MUST DO's.. time to fix that.

 

[bigcat1967]

How I did it?

Faced my fears head on. I looked like a fool - but kept facing my fears. I'm still not over my SA as of yet, but I work full time as a supervisor in a data center and started a side biz two years ago. If you would have asked me twenty years ago if I could ever do this - I would have said "NO WAY!".

 

[Obstacle 1]

How I did it?

Faced my fears head on. I looked like a fool - but kept facing my fears. I'm still not over my SA as of yet, but I work full time as a supervisor in a data center and started a side biz two years ago. If you would have asked me twenty years ago if I could ever do this - I would have said "NO WAY!".

It is great to hear you have been successful. I guess to achieve anything in life you need a combination of drive, will and consistency, something I have always had problems with. When things dont go as planned I run back and hide in my comfort zone for a while and forget what I was meant to learn from the experience.

But I think this time I am ready to face it head on, there is no point pretending anymore.