I cannot talk to anyone

[JosephG]

I'm new here so hey everyone.
But yeah, I struggle with virtually every conversation I have no matter who it is. But to me it doesn't feel like social anxiety. It feels like I actually just can't interact and fit into society. Like I have this impairment that prevents me talking to people.
When I talk to people my mind goes blank and I literally don't have a thing to say. So usually I put on an act or force something out that doesn't really contribute to the conversation. There are however very rare moments where I feel normal. But that lasts only for a few minutes.
I told my doctor and she has referred me to a counsellor. I am on the waiting list that is around 3-4 months. But this is starting to get me really depressed.

Last night I went to a party. After trying to talk to a few people at the start of the party and realising that all my conversations were just dying I kinda gave up and just wandered around feeling sorry for myself.
What is up for me? There is nothing more I want to do in life than get past this. I just want to talk to people and have fun when I attempt to socialise
It's getting me so down, at times I feel like I will never beat this and will end up with no friends/family and not getting married and doing anything.
sigh.

 

[cola junky]

i hear you man...
put anxiety aside i feel that this is my biggest problem: when your head goes blank and you feel you have nothing to say....that's why i think social anxiety is worst then other kind of phobias: exposure therapy can help to all kind of phobias but with social anxiety you also have to deal with blank mind and awkward silences....

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

 

[Snowdrop]

Wow, you just described me perfectly. 0_0 I can't talk to anyone either, everytime I try to, I come blank as well. For me, this has lasted for about 5 years, it started off small where I was only nervous, struggling a little to make conversation, but it just grew and got worse. Now I'm so quiet in classes and any social place, I can still talk but it feels very forced a lot of the time. and yes, I worry constantly about what this might mean in the future, marriage, or career wise...

 

[Toomuchfear]

Hi Joseph. I understand completely. I have the same problem, and i get very envious at others, as they can interact so well and I can't.

My theory why I have this problem, is my childhood. Childhood is usually the main place where anxiety stems from, and so does poor social skills. I grew up hardly talking to anyone, and daydreaming and making weird noises. In my own little world. Do you know why you are like you are?

I have a few suggestions that I've tried that will help. Practice conversations at every opportunity, even if the idea of that is scary. Talk to people at the shop counter- "Hi, how are you? Been busy?" even if your mind goes blank after that, at least you're making small steps.

Another thing is to watch successful conversations between others (or maybe reality TV if you its more comfortable) and find out what they're doing right and what you're not doing well.

The main thing that helped me was seeing a counsellor. As people generally talk over me or just ignore me, I found talking to someone, and this person just listening, helped massively. I became more used to talking and it helped me express myself.

I'm far, far away from becoming a social magnet/supreme conversationalist, but I hope my ideas help you. If anyone else has got any suggestions, it would sure help us

 

[JosephG]

Hey guys thank you for your responses they mean much to me. It is comforting to know there is other people in a similar situation to me.

Toomuchfear you have given me some excellent advice. I also have been attempting similar things: to what avail I'm not sure. I think I like Snowdrop have declined down a steep slope over time. I feel I used to be much better but have gotten worse.
I am looking forward to counselling as I hope this will help me develop my talking skills as I feel I've become a good listener/questioner.
Also I've never liked the question how are you That always leads me to a dead end. I've started using "what's new?" or "Have you been out lately" as a good one.

I think I am the way I am because during my early adolescence I was bullied for being a little bit different. I was always moving between different friendship groups and never really developed any stable relationships. I also liked to daydream a lot and fantasy and pretend situations where a big part of the social life I did have.

However I can be quite outspoken and can have deep conversations in which I express my usually quite strong opinions.
But it is small talk I struggle with and the banter between friends that is fun and fills people with happiness. The conversation that doesn't really matter is where I fail.

Hmm I'm finding it quite hard to express myself about this... but yes I do think I need support. Counselling should do me good

 

[Predacon]

Hi, Welcome to the site.

 

[Hastings & Main]

After trying to talk to a few people at the start of the party and realising that all my conversations were just dying I kinda gave up and just wandered around feeling sorry for myself.
What is up for me? There is nothing more I want to do in life than get past this. I just want to talk to people and have fun when I attempt to socialise
It's getting me so down, at times I feel like I will never beat this and will end up with no friends/family and not getting married and doing anything.
sigh.

Yeah. It has something to do (with me anyways) with a slow come-back process, thinking too much for the 'right' answer, or fumbling through the mental file cabinet for a similar situation or whatever that I could relate to the other person. By the time I find it, the conversation has moved on (or the person has).

I remember being taken to a nightclub by a female friend. We were at a family-size round table with 6 other acquaintances of hers, none that I knew. I started out smiling & intently listening for breaks where I could put something in, but more and more I was feeling shut out. Eventually I just sat back with an angry expression and tapped out some tune on the table, which I felt like a jerk about later. I should have just joined in anyways and made stuff up if I didn't really identify, but frustration got the better of me.

 

[sevenroses]

I can relate. I do the same. I also put on an act or force something out that doesn't really contribute to the conversation just to avoid awkward silences. Maybe you had nothing to say due to the fact that you guys never had similar interests in the first place. You said you don't feel like you have social anxiety but most likely if you do talk with someone with similar interests, things would be a bit different and that you might open up more and think of more things to say and become more of a more different non-shy person.

 

[Toomuchfear]

I haven't found any books or courses on social skills. Most people take it for granted. Good luck with the counselling, the first few times you'll feel exhausted afterwards telling someone how you feel, but it feels so great to get all your worries off your chest.

 

[Zaona]

............

 

[EscapeArtist]

^ Hmmm this is a very good point.

I know not a single person with the same interests as I... And I don't have much hope that I will find one until I relocate. But If there was somebody, I would no doubt become a different person. I just have never in my life met somebody with similar interests.

-applauds that well made point!-
(self focused post, oh well)