Does anyone strongly fear disapproval?

Flyingheart

Flyingheart

Well-known member
I get depressed really easily and I'm pretty sure it comes from my social anxiety. Yesterday at my (new-ish) work my colleague said I could go on my break now so I assumed it was half past without checking the time, I went to grab my bag and my manager (who up until that point had been very cheerful and friendly) asked me what I was doing. I had to explain to her but she seemed a bit annoyed and said if I'm leaving a few mins earlier I should come back few mins earlier, and if I'm alright with that then she is. It sort of came as a shock to me that she was quite sarcastic and different from her usual easygoing self as she'd been friendly to me up until then.

It's such a tiny thing, but for some reason I don't know why, I found myself recording this exchange over in my head like a mantra for ages afterwards and thinking it was all my fault. I got really depressed about it and kept thinking of ways I could have explained myself better, and hating the fact she might really dislike me now for this.
I think what's worse is the idea that she sees me as someone who just doesn't care about her job and tried to scrape a few mins extra break. Which is silly, because I know I'm not that kind of person. If anything, I'd go out of my way to do ANYTHING to avoid situations where I might face disapproval or criticism like this.

I feel really stupid for beating myself up and being so wound up over something so small, but it really effects me sadly. Does anybody else get this, or can relate in any way?

Thanks
 
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Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Flyingheart said:
I get depressed really easily and I'm pretty sure it comes from my social anxiety. Yesterday at my (new-ish) work my colleague said I could go on my break now so I assumed it was half past without checking the time, I went to grab my bag and my manager (who up until that point had been very cheerful and friendly) asked me what I was doing. I had to explain to her but she seemed a bit annoyed and said if I'm leaving a few mins earlier I should come back few mins earlier, and if I'm alright with that then she is. It sort of came as a shock to me that she was quite sarcastic and different from her usual easygoing self as she'd been friendly to me up until then.

It's such a tiny thing, but for some reason I don't know why, I found myself recording this exchange over in my head like a mantra for ages afterwards. I got really depressed about it and kept thinking of ways I could have explained myself better, and hating the fact she might really dislike me now for this.
I think what's worse is the idea that she sees me as someone who just doesn't care about her job and tried to scrape a few mins extra break. Which is silly, because I know I'm not that kind of person. If anything, I'd go out of my way to do ANYTHING to avoid situations where I might face disapproval or criticism like this.

I feel really stupid for beating myself up and being so wound up over something so small, but it really effects me sadly. Does anybody else get this, or can relate in any way?

Thanks
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Eh, aye, ah cun relate coz ah git this as well, especially wi' family. So ah kinda watch whit ah say when ah'm aroon because they tend tae disapprove o' me speakin' ma mind. See, ah'm no' the kinda guy who filter whit ah say 97% o' the time, especially when asked whit ah think.

An' the "recording" a conversation in yer heid, ah dae that anaw. Then dwell oan certain things: "Whit did ah say that fur..?! Duh!" :eek:h: Wonderin' how ah'm came across tae whoever ah was jist talkin' tae, hopin' they didnae think ah'm was a total numpty.

Though, it's worse ye start "script editor" yer conversation, goin' tae say summit then changin' yer mind at the last minute. Hellish! So it is.

But, ah'll definitely beat masel' up mentally and constantly apologies tae a person if ah've hurt their feelin's, coz ah realise ah might've bin a bit abrupt wi' them, y'know?
 
Flyingheart

Flyingheart

Well-known member
Graeme1988 said:
Eh, aye, ah cun relate coz ah git this as well, especially wi' family. So ah kinda watch whit ah say when ah'm aroon because they tend tae disapprove o' me speakin' ma mind. See, ah'm no' the kinda guy who filter whit ah say 97% o' the time, especially when asked whit ah think.

An' the "recording" a conversation in yer heid, ah dae that anaw. Then dwell oan certain things: "Whit did ah say that fur..?! Duh!" :eek:h: Wonderin' how ah'm came across tae whoever ah was jist talkin' tae, hopin' they didnae think ah'm was a total numpty.

Though, it's worse ye start "script editor" yer conversation, goin' tae say summit then changin' yer mind at the last minute. Hellish! So it is.

But, ah'll definitely beat masel' up mentally and constantly apologies tae a person if ah've hurt their feelin's, coz ah realise ah might've bin a bit abrupt wi' them, y'know?
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Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean about the script editor thing and filtering what I think, I do that too. It's really quite debilitating, constantly worrying about what others think of you, but I guess it's just stronger in some of us than others. I'm sure if I had enough self-esteem I wouldn't have cared whether she disapproved of me or not.
 
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Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Flyingheart said:
Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean about the script editor thing and filtering what I think, I do that too. It's really quite debilitating, constantly worrying about what others think of you, but I guess it's just stronger in some of us than others.
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Ah know, it's bloody awful, being so self-aware of yersel' that when yer in social setting ye second-guess everything thought you have, every look, every smile etc.

It's worse with family, when ye constantly worry whit they think o' ye. :sad:

Flyingheart said:
I'm sure if I had enough self-esteem I wouldn't have cared whether she disapproved of me or not.
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Aye, same here. People are confident in themselves usually don't care what people think of them. Or, at the very least, what people they don't know think of them. That can difficult if yer self-confidence isnae great tae being with. Criticism and ridicule can really sting in that regard.

“What other people think about you is none of your business.”

But don't dwell oan this approval/disapproval issue - easier said than done, ah know - but it's no' worth getting depressed about.
 
worrywort

worrywort

Well-known member
I'm exactly the same. I think it might be my greatest fear. When I do something wrong or make a mistake and other people condemn me for it, or get angry at me, or dislike me, or see me as lazy or rude, or laugh at me, or see me as a loser, etc. Basically when any form of negative judgement is made about me I feel really REALLY bad about it. So bad, that I think I've become a bit of a perfectionist over it. Almost everything I do nowadays, I'm on high alert for potential criticism. I'm always thinking two steps ahead and making sure I have good comebacks and explanations for every possible attack that could come my way. Even writing this post is taking me a while because I'm trying hard to say something worthwhile, without annoying anyone or saying anything wrong. It's been a problem for me for most of my life. Even the slightest criticisms can sometimes stir a deep pain in my stomach. I know it's irrational, that it's just one person's opinion and if they're right, then great I've learnt something new, and if they're wrong, then I should just ignore them and carry on as normal. And yet, I can't seem to help feeling this way. It's one of the deepest, most primal senses of anxiety that stirs from deep within me. It's horrible, and when someone catches me out and gets justifiably angry with me, it can bother me even YEARS later! There are some memories I have, that even to think of them now causes me distress.

I think it's basically the core symptom of social anxiety disorder. Most websites will describe SA sufferers as having a heightened fear of negative judgement, and I know it's true for me.

I do feel like I've improved a lot over the years though. I think in general the more you're exposed to criticism the less it stings, so over the years I think my ability to withstand criticism has improved somewhat. Also there's a big difference between criticism that's justified and criticism that's unjustified. Like in your case, for example, you're obviously totally innocent, you know that and we can all see that, but your manager misunderstood the situation and falsely accused you. So at least you know that as far as you and everybody except your manager are concerned, we all think you're totally innocent and have done nothing wrong. But there's still the issue of your manager having a negative opinion of you and my only advice to that would be to have patience, because over time your true self will shine through, and your manager will eventually get to know you and see that you're a good person. So just stay calm and stay firm, keep doing the right thing, and eventually you'll change your managers opinion of you.

[sorry for the essay!]
 
Flyingheart

Flyingheart

Well-known member
worrywort said:
I'm exactly the same. I think it might be my greatest fear. When I do something wrong or make a mistake and other people condemn me for it, or get angry at me, or dislike me, or see me as lazy or rude, or laugh at me, or see me as a loser, etc. Basically when any form of negative judgement is made about me I feel really REALLY bad about it. So bad, that I think I've become a bit of a perfectionist over it. Almost everything I do nowadays, I'm on high alert for potential criticism. I'm always thinking two steps ahead and making sure I have good comebacks and explanations for every possible attack that could come my way. Even writing this post is taking me a while because I'm trying hard to say something worthwhile, without annoying anyone or saying anything wrong. It's been a problem for me for most of my life. Even the slightest criticisms can sometimes stir a deep pain in my stomach. I know it's irrational, that it's just one person's opinion and if they're right, then great I've learnt something new, and if they're wrong, then I should just ignore them and carry on as normal. And yet, I can't seem to help feeling this way. It's one of the deepest, most primal senses of anxiety that stirs from deep within me. It's horrible, and when someone catches me out and gets justifiably angry with me, it can bother me even YEARS later! There are some memories I have, that even to think of them now causes me distress.

I think it's basically the core symptom of social anxiety disorder. Most websites will describe SA sufferers as having a heightened fear of negative judgement, and I know it's true for me.

I do feel like I've improved a lot over the years though. I think in general the more you're exposed to criticism the less it stings, so over the years I think my ability to withstand criticism has improved somewhat. Also there's a big difference between criticism that's justified and criticism that's unjustified. Like in your case, for example, you're obviously totally innocent, you know that and we can all see that, but your manager misunderstood the situation and falsely accused you. So at least you know that as far as you and everybody except your manager are concerned, we all think you're totally innocent and have done nothing wrong. But there's still the issue of your manager having a negative opinion of you and my only advice to that would be to have patience, because over time your true self will shine through, and your manager will eventually get to know you and see that you're a good person. So just stay calm and stay firm, keep doing the right thing, and eventually you'll change your managers opinion of you.

[sorry for the essay!]
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Thanks for the reply worrywort I really appreciate it. Everything you described about your symptoms sound exactly the same as mine and im so glad I'm not the only one like this. Also thanks for the reassurance, I do feel slightly better but as you say this SA business can mean that some things don't leave you ever.
 
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