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Old 03-17-2017
TreeBones's Avatar
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I'm 20 and I met my fiancť 2 years ago he's 34. (Let's just call him B)

My mom was dating his brother from Ohio (I'm from Wisconsin) and that's how I met him. She Jon, and his brother and his mom to come live with us because they were all addicted to heroin They stayed for a month and after that they left. I still talked to B on the phone. My mom was treating me horrible so A week later I left to Ohio and it's been back and forth a few times ever since.

B is the first boyfriend I've had, I didn't really talk to people especially boys before I met him, Because of my anxiety. He gave up heroin for me (he's on suboxen now) and got a job tried to straighten out his life and it was good for a little while. I thought he had a good heart when I first met him and that's why I didn't care about the age or any of the other negative aspects.

In October he wanted me to come back. I left because he would not save money to get an apartment(we lived with his mom. In this nasty trapy trailer with fleas, mold, spiders, mice, mice feces, and some places are even so bad there's mushrooms growing out of the ground), he didn't spend much time with me and he wouldn't even give me $50 for clothes even though I hadn't gone clothes shopping in over 7 months. He was just very selfish overall and didn't show me that he appreciated me. He promised me if I came back we would have an apartment in a week and a car so I could go to school again and that everything would change he would be different. When we talked on the phone he told me how much he loved me and couldn't live without me and that he knows there are things he could do better and he would.

Well it's Middle of March now and nothing. No apartment. No car. (And I'm in the middle of no where here in Ohio I the nearest town is a hour and a half walk) and on top of that he hasn't even been very.. Nice I guess Christmas came and he didn't get me a present he wanted me to pick out something but I wasn't going to do that. When I told him it hurt my feelings that he didn't get me anything he pushed me. Meanwhile I ordered him a present weeks ago and even my mom got him something really nice. He also flicked a lot cigarette at me, something I never thought he would do but I eventually forgave him.

My birthday was in January he did get me roses and a card but it took him over a month and lots of arguing for him to fill it out and give it to me.

Valentine's Day he didn't even get me a card. When they sell them at his work. He had whipped out the card he got me for my birthday that he still hasn't filled out and said "here I got u a card" A week later he joked about it and said maybe if you'd suck my **** more you'd get a valentines card. (Which by the way he never wants sex maybe like 3 times a week if that because of the suboxen)


I thought before I was putting too much emphasis on the holidays and gifts thing but I feel like it's a normal thing that people who care for each other do. They celebrate one another And also he isn't very romantic or shows me how he cares very much so on holidays I guess I just expect ... Something to show me he loves me. He never apologizes when hes wrong. Never thinks of me or goes out of his way for me. He's selfish. And every time he hurts my feelings he finds a way to turn it around on me. And when I cry he just sits there doesn't even hold me or anything. But he tells me so much that he loves me. It doesn't make sense. Last night I asked him if I was pregnant and wanted to go home (because this place is not a good one to have a baby in) if he would come and he said no because of his job and daughter (whom I adore but he never sees. He hasn't seen her in 4 months and we would be able to visit her more often if we were in Wisconsin) and because my mom doesn't like him and he has family here(including his sick grandma who he loves very much) But I left my family for him. Then he said he doesn't know what e would do until he's in that situation. I gave up my life for him. My school. My family. friends. Home. Everything to take a chance on him and he wouldn't even move for me and our baby.

I love him so much. But here lately I don't believe he's healthy for me. I don't know how to break this cycle of emotional abuse and unhealthy living conditions. I wish I would of seen these signs a long time ago instead of making excuses for him. But I was naiive. He's not a bad person I do believe he loves me but I think he's an *** and he loves himself more. he just hurts me a lot. I want to forget him but I don't know how. Even worse there's a chance I might be pregnant. I don't know what to do. If I go home my family will not treat me so good but I'm not treated so good either. And sometimes I wonder with my anxiety and now this experience if I will ever be able to let someone in my life again like I did with him.

Also today we talked about what happened last night and he said that was uncalled for to get upset about a hypothetical question. Which maybe it was but then he called me an idiot and I started crying and he just sat there looking up videos on how to do his workout on YouTube ignoring me. He's tried to be nice a couple times since but... I don't know. I'm so confused this is the hardest decision I've had to face even though on the outside looking in it seems so easy.
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Old 03-17-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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Just get away, anything is better than that hell hole. He's not only a loser, he's a 34-year old loser, he's never going to change. You're a young, pretty girl, please, please, please get out of there now.
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Old 03-17-2017
TreeBones's Avatar
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Thank you, I'm trying to muster up the courage to leave tomorrow. It's just very hard.
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Old 03-17-2017
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I'm gonna be blunt. Neither of you know what you're doing in that relationship, and it's not healthy for anybody. But he's a 34-year-old man. If he was ever gonna know better, he would by now. It's possible he turns his life around, and I hope he does, but you're too young to be dealing with this crap. You need to get some stability in your life, and staying in that situation is clearly not the way to do it.
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Old 03-17-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TreeBones View Post
Thank you, I'm trying to muster up the courage to leave tomorrow. It's just very hard.
I know, and I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but just try to be brave long enough to get away. I think you can do that; once you've got time and distance between you you'll be able to think. You're worth it, even if you've forgotten that you are. Fly, fly, fly.
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Old 03-17-2017
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no worries the bluntness is much appreciated. That's what I need. Thank you for replying. The more I hear it. the more it will sink in I think.
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Old 03-17-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FountainandFairfax View Post
I know, and I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but just try to be brave long enough to get away. I think you can do that; once you've got time and distance between you you'll be able to think. You're worth it, even if you've forgotten that you are. Fly, fly, fly.
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Old 03-17-2017
 

I think itís good that you recognise your situation isnít ideal for you. I also think itís important to understand why you feel you have made this choice in the first place. You sound like an intelligent person to me, so I would imagine only you know the real reason why you have put yourself in this less than ideal situation. The tricky part of course is cutting through all of the BS in your mind and getting to the root of the real problem. Not that being with an older guy, who is living a less than ideal lifestyle, isnít also problem in itself, but I think this relationship is a symptom of the real reason you are settling for second best right now.
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Old 03-17-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hennyfink View Post
I think it’s good that you recognise your situation isn’t ideal for you. I also think it’s important to understand why you feel you have made this choice in the first place. You sound like an intelligent person to me, so I would imagine only you know the real reason why you have put yourself in this less than ideal situation. The tricky part of course is cutting through all of the BS in your mind and getting to the root of the real problem. Not that being with an older guy, who is living a less than ideal lifestyle, isn’t also problem in itself, but I think this relationship is a symptom of the real reason you are settling for second best right now.
I try to tell myself I'm here because I love him but having already known that I know it's something else in me that's keeping me here. I feel like a woman with more respect and integrity for herself would have left a long time ago. If like to think of myself in a higher regard but im not letting myself be that person for some reason. I just kept telling myself this was normal and that he will change but I'm going to have to be the one to change for all of this to go away. I've known for a long time I'm just insecure and don't want to hurt and be thinking about all the time I've wasted here with this man who I thought loved me but acts like a psychopath. It sounds strange but the I've noticed the more he hurts me the more I subconsiously want to stay and make things right.. Almost like the more he shows me he doesn't love me the more I want to stay and convince myself otherwise. .. Idk
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Old 03-17-2017
 

It’s probably fair to say I have my fair share of low self esteem, and from what you have already mentioned, it also sounds like you may have that as well. You also mentioned this is your first relationship, so this is new territory for you. But as I mentioned previously, at least you are recognising the problems in this relationship. So I think it would be beneficial for you to weigh up your options right now and start living the life you know in your heart you really deserve. And I certainly wish you the best in achieving that.
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Old 03-17-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hennyfink View Post
Itís probably fair to say I have my fair share of low self esteem, and from what you have already mentioned, it also sounds like you may have that as well. You also mentioned this is your first relationship, so this is new territory for you. But as I mentioned previously, at least you are recognising the problems in this relationship. So I think it would be beneficial for you to weigh up your options right now and start living the life you know in your heart you really deserve. And I certainly wish you the best in achieving that.
Thank you, very much!
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Old 03-18-2017
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Hi.It must be a tough situation to be in.Escpically since its a first relationship you probably dont have previous experience to help you.

If most days or alot of the time,you are unhappy due to being in a relationship then that means its not a healthy one to be in.
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