if you were to ask me what is worst most humiliating thing that can happen to me--no it isn't having a blucket of manure dropped 9on my head--that'd be a holiday, it is being laughed at.
The whole reason I sought out a forum like this, and quickly joined was to get this off my chest. it is what happened yesterday
It was first sunny day, and even though I am partly recluse and agorophobic etc I do make effort to go out, and yesterday's my shopping. So I put on clothes that made me feel confident (though i Am VERY self conscious of body image) and i went to shop and all seemed cool, and then I went to gas station. it is a pay at pump--i HATE going into the place with the cashiers as I feel odd vibes.
But i couldn't get a receipt from the outside paything, so HAD to go in. As I walked to door it was busy and I could see the two cashiers, a woman and a man looking at me coming and they were laughing. As I walked in it was a really bad vibe, he was half hiding his face and she was trying not to laugh. I had to ask him to make me out a recept but =it took him time to get composure to even deal with me. basically I was being laughed at--disrespected. They must have thought I was a joke-object because they had no regard for how upset and humiliated I felt
So when this happens I go to pieces inside. I tried to keep calm, and asked for a recipt, he asked how much. I had forgotten and to go out I would have had to come back in and I was feeling broken inside, so I just guessed how much. As this hell moment went on other people started com8ing in and I was getting more and more angry, and it was showing. Eventually I snatched his writted receipt outta his hand and stormed out. When I looked back they both were luaghing.
I was MORTIFIED. I stood by my car not knowing what to do. I even got in for a moment, and said to myself 'what shall i DO?'--i could see they were still laughing. So I stormed in. By this time there was another women with them. I asked to see the manager and the lad smugly said she was on holiday, so i said to the other woman, 'well who is HER boss?' when i said that the smirks on those twos faces dropped because they knew i meant business. So I got the top guys number and as I went out i said ;your not laughing now are you?'
When I got home I made a complaint against them and its going to be dealth with.
Good. But these things destroy me. I cannot work and am classed as 'mentally ill'---I have had session with a persona centred counsello in the past, but when you say you havebeen laughed at etc they try and make out your imagining it because of low self esteem. In otherwords they try and undermine your very savvy about what is going on.
I had felt confident but their disrespect was REAL! but it leaves me feeling so wrecked. I have to keep thimnking about it---it feels like all your energy goes, and you just wanna sleep. You also have the most MURDEROUS feelings about these people who treat you like that. Strangers who are SO personal. being laughed at is incredibly personal. I dont know if anyone's experienced it? But it feels like when its happening you are an utter alien. it is very hard to describe the agony you feel. And I shake inside--both fear and rage. it is also embrarrassing to have to say 'are you laughing at me' even more so when thers people there. So it is l8ike this VERy nasty intrusive 'secret' between you and the ones doing it. It FEELS like RAPE!!!
it makes you in suspense when the next times gonna be. it happens periodically to me and always takes me by surprise
But *I want these chasiers to know that I will NOT be disrespected by them. if they were kids on a corner i could cross over the road, but i HAD to interact with these people for a transaction and there was no avoiding that. So they better behave themselves. I hope I am not just doing it for myself but for any others they may have been takin the piss out of.
The whole reason I sought out a forum like this, and quickly joined was to get this off my chest. it is what happened yesterday
It was first sunny day, and even though I am partly recluse and agorophobic etc I do make effort to go out, and yesterday's my shopping. So I put on clothes that made me feel confident (though i Am VERY self conscious of body image) and i went to shop and all seemed cool, and then I went to gas station. it is a pay at pump--i HATE going into the place with the cashiers as I feel odd vibes.
But i couldn't get a receipt from the outside paything, so HAD to go in. As I walked to door it was busy and I could see the two cashiers, a woman and a man looking at me coming and they were laughing. As I walked in it was a really bad vibe, he was half hiding his face and she was trying not to laugh. I had to ask him to make me out a recept but =it took him time to get composure to even deal with me. basically I was being laughed at--disrespected. They must have thought I was a joke-object because they had no regard for how upset and humiliated I felt
So when this happens I go to pieces inside. I tried to keep calm, and asked for a recipt, he asked how much. I had forgotten and to go out I would have had to come back in and I was feeling broken inside, so I just guessed how much. As this hell moment went on other people started com8ing in and I was getting more and more angry, and it was showing. Eventually I snatched his writted receipt outta his hand and stormed out. When I looked back they both were luaghing.
I was MORTIFIED. I stood by my car not knowing what to do. I even got in for a moment, and said to myself 'what shall i DO?'--i could see they were still laughing. So I stormed in. By this time there was another women with them. I asked to see the manager and the lad smugly said she was on holiday, so i said to the other woman, 'well who is HER boss?' when i said that the smirks on those twos faces dropped because they knew i meant business. So I got the top guys number and as I went out i said ;your not laughing now are you?'
When I got home I made a complaint against them and its going to be dealth with.
Good. But these things destroy me. I cannot work and am classed as 'mentally ill'---I have had session with a persona centred counsello in the past, but when you say you havebeen laughed at etc they try and make out your imagining it because of low self esteem. In otherwords they try and undermine your very savvy about what is going on.
I had felt confident but their disrespect was REAL! but it leaves me feeling so wrecked. I have to keep thimnking about it---it feels like all your energy goes, and you just wanna sleep. You also have the most MURDEROUS feelings about these people who treat you like that. Strangers who are SO personal. being laughed at is incredibly personal. I dont know if anyone's experienced it? But it feels like when its happening you are an utter alien. it is very hard to describe the agony you feel. And I shake inside--both fear and rage. it is also embrarrassing to have to say 'are you laughing at me' even more so when thers people there. So it is l8ike this VERy nasty intrusive 'secret' between you and the ones doing it. It FEELS like RAPE!!!
it makes you in suspense when the next times gonna be. it happens periodically to me and always takes me by surprise
But *I want these chasiers to know that I will NOT be disrespected by them. if they were kids on a corner i could cross over the road, but i HAD to interact with these people for a transaction and there was no avoiding that. So they better behave themselves. I hope I am not just doing it for myself but for any others they may have been takin the piss out of.