being a people pleaser & being too nice is sickening! but why cant i stop?!

im a very sensitive person, it really hurts my feelings if i upset someone and i hated being portrayed negatively by other people and i always want people to like me.
ever since childhood i always feel inferior compared to others.
im trying so hard to be assertive but when situations arrive like in social scenes, i always go blank.
im very shy and easily intimidated by people whom i think were intimidating.
so i constantly have to please them so that they will like me & wont say negative things bout me.
i always feel guilty afterward and i get all depressed because of it.
hate being like this but i cant help it.

Hi LonelyBoy. I can definitely empathise with all of the things you mentioned.

Something that may help you is to think about the thoughts you have when you're feeling anxious, and to write them all down. Once you've written them down, try thinking about how rational they are and/or how likely to happen they are. Try to come up with a rational argument against each of those thoughts. This can help to deal with some of the irrational negative thoughts that contribute to the way you feel when you're socialising.

It also may help you to make a list of the social situations which scare you. List the situations which scare you the least to the situations which scare you the most e.g. phone calls, approaching strangers, meeting new people etc. You can try to slowly challenge yourself to do the things on your list, try starting with something that's only a little bit scary and do that for as long as you like until you feel that it isn't that scary anymore. When you feel ready for it, try doing something else that is less scary than the other things on the list, and so on.

I'm not sure if you're having any kind of therapy for your SA, or taking any kind of medication but it might be a good idea to think about seeing your doctor or a psychologist if you haven't already spoken to one about this problem. If you don't think you can afford to see a psychologist, or you just don't feel comfortable seeing one, maybe you could look into getting a book about CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) or Exposure Therapy or ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). If you work on the exercises in these books, instead of just reading them, it can help to improve your social anxiety.

thanks evie, ill try some things u suggested.
thank god i was a little more assertive now than i was in my school years.
but their were situations until today that still makes me scared of intimidating people and still makes me kiss their ass and be a doormat.
i guess i have to learn to deal with these kind of people

I know it's much easier said than done, I only wish I could follow my own advice more. I still struggle sometimes with being assertive, even though I've been doing CBT. I'm thinking maybe I should look into one of those assertiveness classes, because as you say it is something you just have to learn how to deal with.

good advice evie!

"being too nice is sickenening"....I think I may be similar to you. I hate my smile sometimes. It's like sometimes I'm so scared of confrontation that I put on this desperate smile, sugarcoating the situation, and hoping that the negative mood will just go away....and I see other people do this too sometimes and I've always thought it looked so desperate and fake.....but then sometimes I see people who seem to be so comfortable with controversy and confrontation, who are able to keep serious straight faces, and I've always respected people like that.

So how do you get from being overly sensitive of people's opinions to having a realistic view of others? I'm not totally sure, cause I'm still working on this myself, but taking risks is always gonna be a part of it. Also maybe try to figure out why you don't like being assertive. Is it because you feel guilty afterwards? Like you're a bad person? Because if so, maybe you could sit down and think about how actually, saying no to some people is perfectly within your rights and you've no reason to feel like a bad person whatsoever, and it's just a case of repeatedly telling yourself these things until you believe them.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King

I remember this quote helping me a lot. Sometimes being assertive is the right thing to do, you should feel good for even trying to speak out.

Don't be so hard on yourselves. Hitler, Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dhamer were all supposed to have been huge people pleasers. Clearly it doesn't mean too much in the great scheme.

mmmm said:

Don't be so hard on yourselves. Hitler, Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dhamer were all supposed to have been huge people pleasers. Clearly it doesn't mean too much in the great scheme.

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Well..
It meant that they could become notorious as some of the most successful and ruthless leaders and serial killers in history. Without their charm, they probably couldn't have gotten as far as they did, or would have had to employ less desirable, more stressful courses of action in order to get what they wanted.

It helped them to avoid detection; Nobody would or wanted to suspect that they could do anything wrong. Being sociable helped them to draw in people for their plans. Charisma made it easier for them to manipulate the people who were unfortunate enough to become a part of their plot ; People found them to be agreeable and easy to follow.

Being able to keep people happy and entertained is quite desirable, regardless of your profession. Whether you're a sales clerk, a zoologist, a college student, a baker or an acid-vat and cranium drill operator, being sociable is handy dandy!

LonelyBoy said:

im a very sensitive person, it really hurts my feelings if i upset someone and i hated being portrayed negatively by other people and i always want people to like me.
ever since childhood i always feel inferior compared to others.
im trying so hard to be assertive but when situations arrive like in social scenes, i always go blank.
im very shy and easily intimidated by people whom i think were intimidating.
so i constantly have to please them so that they will like me & wont say negative things bout me.
i always feel guilty afterward and i get all depressed because of it.
hate being like this but i cant help it.

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I couldn't have said it any better. Its seems very easy for people to dislike us, probably because they think that we are lame. Lack of social experience can show us up. Its not easy when everyone else seems like a pack of wolves.

I am the same but I dont feel bad or guilty about it.. I am just happy I can make someone happy... Rather I always feel like I have bad intentions under being so kind to others, like I seek advantage from that... :S

My goodness man, don't feel bad about that.

There aren't enough people like you around frankly.

I bet not many people dislike you!

LonelyBoy said:

im a very sensitive person, it really hurts my feelings if i upset someone and i hated being portrayed negatively by other people and i always want people to like me.
ever since childhood i always feel inferior compared to others.
im trying so hard to be assertive but when situations arrive like in social scenes, i always go blank.
im very shy and easily intimidated by people whom i think were intimidating.
so i constantly have to please them so that they will like me & wont say negative things bout me.
i always feel guilty afterward and i get all depressed because of it.
hate being like this but i cant help it.

Click to expand...

Wow, i am the exact same way. I feel even my closest friend who also has social phobia thinks i'm weird for being so sensitive. It's nice to know i'm not alone!