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Old 10-05-2017
theslowesthand's Avatar
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I guess i'm trying to figure out why i've never had a "relationship" (i'm 45 & male). Surely, if the required motivations were present, i would have had one by now. But no, i haven't even had a "one-night" relationship. I presume i'm heterosexual, and interested in sex, as i've always looked at porn. I'm starting to suspect that mentally or emotionally i'm lacking something that normal people have.
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Old 10-05-2017
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Well, I know that I was deeply insecure towards the opposite sex before I was with rugs. I didn't think it was possible to be in a relationship with a guy- I just wasn't good enough.
Now I feel like I am worthy of a man lol. (better man that is haha)

People have relationships to strengthen their self-identity - have someone reflect positively who they are to another - makes your self-esteem soar. Also having someone to care for and someone to have company and goals and values with. Having someone care for you and be able to pleasure you lol- vice versa. Someone to lift you up and push you, be there for you etc.

It takes thinking about if you had a partner .... what would you want? I guess. to get the ball rolling and intention in there somewhere. And I guess so******ing is always the scary part.

Maybe its subconscious fears like an invisible wall you think you'll never break.It's also a lot of energy if you have depression- it's like A LOT of energy to conjure up. Also putting pressure on yourself and labelling yourself for not feeling succeessful in that area would want to make you not go there.
Remember that our brain pathways make it difficult to feel 2 emotions at the same time. Meaning if your feeling negative about ever getting a partner and feeling like there's something wrong with you- then you cant really feel the other way either.

I used to research about attraction. And attraction is usually -what-you-see in another person that you admire and want in yourself or that you never had and want. So someone who is not smart will admire a smart partner etc..

With rugs, I saw a guy that was charismatic to everyone and had a lot self-security about him and I guess that is what I wanted. I didn't know tho, that he was completely loose of a lot of marbles and screws lol.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I was Asexual for a long time and it was unconscious fear and also being used to my boundaries and routines that I guess kept me away from even suggesting to myself that I could have those things- be in a relationship etc.
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Old 10-05-2017
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It can be the effort, it can be the dedication which you must show, and anything else like that. But forming a relationship could mean a lot - especially if you have a variety of interests in common.

I constantly remember moments where I've wished I'd had someone to talk to, as I myself would try my best to listen and encourage any people to talk - but the problem was that I would just end up as their 'talking buddies'. They would talk on, as if it was some monologue, and I would constantly nod and listen. But whatever that I wished to communicate back, would only be 'heard', i.e, not 'listened'.

In the case above, I really wanted to have a good friend, because I really wanted to talk about something to them - it was exciting to talk about stuff with someone, if I knew the person was pretty much like me.

Maybe you did not think it interesting for so many years, that you should have given it a try - maybe you were doing pretty well by yourself. In that case, I can relate to you as well, as I really like to be left alone most of the time. I even have to admit that there is some sort of 'joy' in just being a totally isolated guy.

But then again, what are your needs from a partner, in the case of a relationship?

What are your expectations? Would you have too many of that? Would you be happy with someone who appreciated your company?

Or, you could have been getting a lot of satisfaction from the many things which you were doing in life? That could have led you to completely 'forget' and 'move on' to other things in life.
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Old 10-06-2017
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Don't overthink it.

The methods outlined by the others here imply that you have to be some charismatic person, or otherwise some kind of dedicated empath ready to mentor a prospective partner, challenge them, lift them up, etc.

That is one of several paths, of course. That's more required of a person who wants a serious longterm relationship (is that what you're looking for?)

But I honestly suggest you don't overthink or overanalyze these things, do not read long missives that talk about the philosophical ramifications "to push and be pushed" which also tacitly detail requirements like "outspoken, charismatic, knows what he wants" it will just drive you batty.

So I'm not here to say "why" people have relationships of any kind. I'm here to tell you to ironically STOP thinking and overthinking, that leads you to insecurity and inaction, you'll read what others say a guy needs and just go "but I don't have that, can't offer that, don't do this, don't know about that" and you will never take action.

The best and only answer is this, if you want any kind of relationship: put yourself out there.
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Old 10-06-2017
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A positive, loving relationship is one of the most wonderful, liberating and best things one can experience.

The key is finding your 'one'. The yin to your yang.

We as people who deal with SA etc, sometimes forget there may be someone out there who compliments us.

Me? I wish I could find someone who loves seclusion, but still wants to experience life - when we want to. Not to have it forced upon us. Someone who loves nature, animals, the cosmos and it's infinite wonders. Simple pleasures like cooking a meal and have your partner truly enjoy your efforts over a good bottle of wine.
Gardening, watching a small seedling you planted and encouraged reward you with flower, fruit or vegetable. Perhaps it's just a young sapling you watch grow into a larger tree over the years.
The simple joy of fishing from the ocean and eating your catch that night together, taking only what you need to eat.
Taking in a couple of horses to become family members. They willingly carry us along the beaches exploring.
Sometimes we venture into the city together to experience a restaurant to try. Then onward to a cinema to watch a movie we both have been looking forward to seeing together.
Looking forward to travelling together to sample what other countries have to offer. Local markets, walking the back roads..

So yea, that's what I'd ideally like in a relationship. We'd be happy with that.

I believe there's someone out there who wants the same. The trick is finding them then coming together.
It's beautiful when you find you're 'one'. It can change your life for the better dramatically.

Keep a sliver of hope inside you that there's someone out there just right for you. They're probably doubting themselves right now about ever meeting the right person for them.
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Old 10-06-2017
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The older I get it becomes more about company. Company would be nice.
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Old 10-07-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PugofCrydee View Post
Keep a sliver of hope inside you that there's someone out there just right for you. They're probably doubting themselves right now about ever meeting the right person for them.
But in the meantime, short-term arrangements or flings aren't always so bad :p
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Old 10-07-2017
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Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bronson99 View Post
But in the meantime, short-term arrangements or flings aren't always so bad :p
haha you know it!
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Old 10-08-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PugofCrydee View Post
haha you know it!
But a step-by-step process to acquiring such a thing, might be nice?

Just because I made the suggestion does not imply any experience with it..
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Old 10-08-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bronson99 View Post
But a step-by-step process to acquiring such a thing, might be nice?
Yeah ... i was gonna ask that myself, but refrained.
Maybe i fear there might not be such a step-by-step process in existence (ie it may be all about "going with the flow", following one's instincts & experience, body language, etc - in which case i fear i may be doomed! ).
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Old 10-08-2017
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Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bronson99 View Post
But a step-by-step process to acquiring such a thing, might be nice?

Just because I made the suggestion does not imply any experience with it..
I never said you did Bronson. I acknowledged your thought is all
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Old 10-08-2017
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I wonder if i'd be as bored if i were in a relationship. Somehow i doubt it. She could entertain me, find me things to do (with her).
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Old 10-08-2017
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It could be an outlet for my suppressed/repressed masculinity. I guess that is a "need" for males???
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Old 10-08-2017
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I wonder if this is a good pick-up line: 'You're a pretty good girl'
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Old 10-09-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PugofCrydee View Post
I never said you did Bronson. I acknowledged your thought is all
Fair enough. Now you elected not to provide any kind of tips on this, but if you might mention a few basic things that worked for you, that might be nice. Up to you still, I don't mean to put you on the spot.

I guess trying to converse with a woman who gives good signals may be a good start, at least?
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Old 10-10-2017
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Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bronson99 View Post
Fair enough. Now you elected not to provide any kind of tips on this, but if you might mention a few basic things that worked for you, that might be nice. Up to you still, I don't mean to put you on the spot.

I guess trying to converse with a woman who gives good signals may be a good start, at least?
Mate, I'm no expert in Women lol..

I get told I'm attractive but I think I'm ugly. I prefer to talk to women but get anxious.. Women are beautiful to look at, what would they see in me?

Sorry bro, I can't offer you any advice
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Old 10-10-2017
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Relationships are great if you are in the right mindset and ready to be in one. You need to be in a place (emotionally) where you know the difference between a good and a bad relationship, between a relationship where the other person supports and cares for you and a relationship where you can't truly be yourself and are constantly worried it'll go sour. Or a serious relationship where one person wants kids and the other doesn't.

That being said, some people prefer to be alone (like really prefer to be alone, as opposed to saying they do because they can't find a girl/boyfriend).

Some people search day and night for someone to love them without having the slightest love for themselves, and that's a dangerous place to be because it'll make you needy and you'll smother the other person in no time.
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Old 10-10-2017
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well figuratively speaking, you could sum it all up to basically like having a life boat in the middle of the ocean during a storm....at night..lol.





but personally though, I'm a good swimmer .
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