richardalexander
New member
Hello my name is Richard, I am utterly suicidal.
I have a hellish condition called emotional deprivation disorder. It is the cause of my social phobia.
All my childhood memories are of crying out to my mother, who was mentally ill and deliberately kept me alone.
Consequently I have never had any friends, have crippling social anxiety ( extreme avoidant type), and have been suicidal for almost every day of my life, which is not an exaggeration. The sick twist is that I am mentally fully developed, and desperate for love and friendship. I have literally an emotional age of 3, while being physically and mentally 21. I recently escaped my 'mother', and moved to my biological father. After 5 months of hardly talking, I finally broke down and basically revealed my child-self, who is desperately alone. He gave me a few hugs but no love. He is scared of my 3 year old behaviour, despite the fact that I am utterly non-violent, or self harming. I am just reduced to a weeping toddler, desperate for unconditional love. Having never had it I am nihilistic and uncaring, and cannot form any relationships. The only people to give it to me were my grand-parents, and consequently the year I spent with them was utter happiness, with no social anxiety whatsoever. Since they died my life is absolutely unlivable. Leaving the house is absolute torture, I literally cannot speak to anyone. In public I don a 'false personality', whereby I muffle the cries and put on an adult face, to avoid any stares. It is so painful to maintain I often twitch.
I have not had a social conversation for 10 years, trapped in my own body. The difference between me and someone with autism or schizoid is that I am desperate for social contact and friendship. My quality of life is torture, from waking to bedtime. Without the social phobia, I can be very witty and intelligent. With my loving grandparents alive I was a social magnet and could charm girls with ease. Without them I am utterly trapped inside myself, it feels like being literally buried alive. Even my father who has a history of working with mental illness, won't embrace me or engage my 3 year old personality. It's not an issue of family therapy, he just doesn't give a ****.
It's a complete ****ing nightmare, I have nowhere to go. I am so lonely I just constantly spasm/shake, and seeing anyone my age makes me cry because I know that with a normal mother, I would have been socialising with them. For all his intelligence my father has no desire to spend time with me, he refuses to acknowledge that I have an emotional age of literally 3 or 4, which is the age my 'mother' took me away. I haven't even mentioned the 20 years of psychological abuse she gave me, or a decade of school bullying, but the damage was caused by my childhood rejection. The single most painful memory is when I went to a summer camp, once a year for a few years. There was a girl I was obsessed with, and with my Grandmother alive I still had a small amount of confidence. It turned out the girl also liked me. Then the next year my Granny died, and at the camp I was physically frozen, I literally couldn't talk to this girl. She looked at me like I was insane. It was the most humiliating thing imaginable. I spent the whole camp hiding in my tent. That week haunts me every single day, and if I go on the facebook page of any of those kids at camp, I see they all have countless friends, relationships and so on, while I am trapped in my room possibly forever. Or I can go on the facebook pages of the countless kids who bullied me. Again, all their photos show them with happy faces. It is so torturous I just twitch with pain all the time. For many years I thought my problems were due to the way I looked, and I saw a freak every time I looked in the mirror, partly because of the many insults. I spent over £4000 trying to improve my looks, from dental improvements to steroids. The steroids made no difference because my actual physique has been affected by the psychological state. My muscles haven't grown since the year my Granny died, which only adds to the torture. Nobody has a clue what it feels like to be a 21 year old male, and can only do 1 or 2 pressups. It is so ****ing humiliating it feels like you are not a man. For 5 years I haven't left the house without a heavy fleece on to hide my looks. Because of imagined problems with my teeth, every time I have talked to someone I have done it with a half closed mouth, making conversation or friendship impossible. These aren't memories, they still take place today, every time I go outside. And I could have had a completely happy life, if I hadn't been raised by my mother. Knowing this fact just kills me.
To escape the horror I live in a fantasy world, where I imagine myself as popular and accepted. I go back to nightmarish situations and imagine me impressing everyone, instead of being utterly rejected.
I know that even seeing a therapist wouldn't be unconditional love, because obviously you are paying, there are rules of professionalism and so on. You can't 'buy a mother'. And in any case it took me 5 months living privately with my father before I even felt safe enough to reveal my true personality. The two occasions he has shown genuine kindness, I have grown up within minutes, and have become my healthy adult self. But he later revealed that those events were something he would have done anyway, for his own benefit. I often dream of a mother who consoles me and loves me for who I am.
The nature of my condition is that I don't think I could even see a therapist, I would just sit there silently. When there is a desperate adult trapped inside. I can't ring anyone either, my voice is that of a crying baby. I find it humiliating. There is so much locked up emotion I can't physically use any words to get it out.
When I initially broke down to my father, I mistakenly thought everything would be alright, and began to develop a parental attachment to him. With that came the same anxieties of any baby - the desire for constant affection, and a longing to be played with. As mentioned above, the one time he did 'humour' my child personality, I felt utterly calmed and grew up within minutes. I no longer thought the world hated me. But then I found out it didn't come from his genuine affection, he was just 'experimenting' in his words. I am dying of loneliness. I find myself using the same body language as a baby, crying out for a caregiver. Obviously coming from a 21 year old male, to an outsider it looks as if I was retarded - When in fact I am fully aware, and utterly harmless. I can no longer display the child behaviour, because he threatened to literally have me sectioned. 21 years of hell and then put in a mental home!?. I am just so ****ing lonely, it feels like I have just been born and there is no parent around. Having looked at my mother's history, I now find out that the entire thing has taken place for no reason, and I would have been a normal kid if I had any other parent, which makes me weep even more. There is no single 'bad memory' I can expunge with a therapist, my entire life is unthinkable pain. If I get a sudden memory of that year with my grandparents, I just shake with ecstasy. And yet that would be normality for anyone else. All I have is a little box with my old photos of them, my only friends, and they are dead. I don't even have the balls to kill myself, and I don't want to. I am just locked in my body, it feels like having surgery while fully conscious, for years and years.
thanks for listening
I have a hellish condition called emotional deprivation disorder. It is the cause of my social phobia.
All my childhood memories are of crying out to my mother, who was mentally ill and deliberately kept me alone.
Consequently I have never had any friends, have crippling social anxiety ( extreme avoidant type), and have been suicidal for almost every day of my life, which is not an exaggeration. The sick twist is that I am mentally fully developed, and desperate for love and friendship. I have literally an emotional age of 3, while being physically and mentally 21. I recently escaped my 'mother', and moved to my biological father. After 5 months of hardly talking, I finally broke down and basically revealed my child-self, who is desperately alone. He gave me a few hugs but no love. He is scared of my 3 year old behaviour, despite the fact that I am utterly non-violent, or self harming. I am just reduced to a weeping toddler, desperate for unconditional love. Having never had it I am nihilistic and uncaring, and cannot form any relationships. The only people to give it to me were my grand-parents, and consequently the year I spent with them was utter happiness, with no social anxiety whatsoever. Since they died my life is absolutely unlivable. Leaving the house is absolute torture, I literally cannot speak to anyone. In public I don a 'false personality', whereby I muffle the cries and put on an adult face, to avoid any stares. It is so painful to maintain I often twitch.
I have not had a social conversation for 10 years, trapped in my own body. The difference between me and someone with autism or schizoid is that I am desperate for social contact and friendship. My quality of life is torture, from waking to bedtime. Without the social phobia, I can be very witty and intelligent. With my loving grandparents alive I was a social magnet and could charm girls with ease. Without them I am utterly trapped inside myself, it feels like being literally buried alive. Even my father who has a history of working with mental illness, won't embrace me or engage my 3 year old personality. It's not an issue of family therapy, he just doesn't give a ****.
It's a complete ****ing nightmare, I have nowhere to go. I am so lonely I just constantly spasm/shake, and seeing anyone my age makes me cry because I know that with a normal mother, I would have been socialising with them. For all his intelligence my father has no desire to spend time with me, he refuses to acknowledge that I have an emotional age of literally 3 or 4, which is the age my 'mother' took me away. I haven't even mentioned the 20 years of psychological abuse she gave me, or a decade of school bullying, but the damage was caused by my childhood rejection. The single most painful memory is when I went to a summer camp, once a year for a few years. There was a girl I was obsessed with, and with my Grandmother alive I still had a small amount of confidence. It turned out the girl also liked me. Then the next year my Granny died, and at the camp I was physically frozen, I literally couldn't talk to this girl. She looked at me like I was insane. It was the most humiliating thing imaginable. I spent the whole camp hiding in my tent. That week haunts me every single day, and if I go on the facebook page of any of those kids at camp, I see they all have countless friends, relationships and so on, while I am trapped in my room possibly forever. Or I can go on the facebook pages of the countless kids who bullied me. Again, all their photos show them with happy faces. It is so torturous I just twitch with pain all the time. For many years I thought my problems were due to the way I looked, and I saw a freak every time I looked in the mirror, partly because of the many insults. I spent over £4000 trying to improve my looks, from dental improvements to steroids. The steroids made no difference because my actual physique has been affected by the psychological state. My muscles haven't grown since the year my Granny died, which only adds to the torture. Nobody has a clue what it feels like to be a 21 year old male, and can only do 1 or 2 pressups. It is so ****ing humiliating it feels like you are not a man. For 5 years I haven't left the house without a heavy fleece on to hide my looks. Because of imagined problems with my teeth, every time I have talked to someone I have done it with a half closed mouth, making conversation or friendship impossible. These aren't memories, they still take place today, every time I go outside. And I could have had a completely happy life, if I hadn't been raised by my mother. Knowing this fact just kills me.
To escape the horror I live in a fantasy world, where I imagine myself as popular and accepted. I go back to nightmarish situations and imagine me impressing everyone, instead of being utterly rejected.
I know that even seeing a therapist wouldn't be unconditional love, because obviously you are paying, there are rules of professionalism and so on. You can't 'buy a mother'. And in any case it took me 5 months living privately with my father before I even felt safe enough to reveal my true personality. The two occasions he has shown genuine kindness, I have grown up within minutes, and have become my healthy adult self. But he later revealed that those events were something he would have done anyway, for his own benefit. I often dream of a mother who consoles me and loves me for who I am.
The nature of my condition is that I don't think I could even see a therapist, I would just sit there silently. When there is a desperate adult trapped inside. I can't ring anyone either, my voice is that of a crying baby. I find it humiliating. There is so much locked up emotion I can't physically use any words to get it out.
When I initially broke down to my father, I mistakenly thought everything would be alright, and began to develop a parental attachment to him. With that came the same anxieties of any baby - the desire for constant affection, and a longing to be played with. As mentioned above, the one time he did 'humour' my child personality, I felt utterly calmed and grew up within minutes. I no longer thought the world hated me. But then I found out it didn't come from his genuine affection, he was just 'experimenting' in his words. I am dying of loneliness. I find myself using the same body language as a baby, crying out for a caregiver. Obviously coming from a 21 year old male, to an outsider it looks as if I was retarded - When in fact I am fully aware, and utterly harmless. I can no longer display the child behaviour, because he threatened to literally have me sectioned. 21 years of hell and then put in a mental home!?. I am just so ****ing lonely, it feels like I have just been born and there is no parent around. Having looked at my mother's history, I now find out that the entire thing has taken place for no reason, and I would have been a normal kid if I had any other parent, which makes me weep even more. There is no single 'bad memory' I can expunge with a therapist, my entire life is unthinkable pain. If I get a sudden memory of that year with my grandparents, I just shake with ecstasy. And yet that would be normality for anyone else. All I have is a little box with my old photos of them, my only friends, and they are dead. I don't even have the balls to kill myself, and I don't want to. I am just locked in my body, it feels like having surgery while fully conscious, for years and years.
thanks for listening
dont tell him **** anymore.. and when its hard remember the good times and how u can and WILL be normal again.. u have all the qualiti4s, just smthg stopping u, smthg that can be solved 
