will it ever get better?

defiance

Well-known member
Years of anxiety and depression coupled with suicidal thoughts that are getting stronger with each passing day. I'm angry, scared,sad,and shaking as I am writing this. Just had a fallout with the man I am biologically related to, I refuse to use the D word to refer to him as he isn't worth it. He has some issues that cause him pain and I get that it isn't easy for him but when he just randomly exploded on me 20 minutes ago I did something that I normally wouldn't do, I exploded right back. Fast forward to now, all the things I suffer from have skyrocketed to new heights. I have been low in my life mentally but I never EVER imagined I can get this low. Right now I am looking out my window and all I want to do is jump. I look at the belt on my bed and all I want to do is hang myself. I look at the knife in my kitchen and all I want to do is cut myself. About a month ago I started drinking quite a bit to numb myself out just so I can get through my day and after what just happened I know I'll be drinking again. The absolute worst part of all of this is because of my issues I am dependent on this Mother F****r. My wonderful sweet caring and loving mother didn't deserve such punishment in the form of this man or a child like me who is a constant failure, I try for her though I really do. He has been nothing but a failure so hey the apple doesn't fall far from the tree right? I like to think that I am a bit better than him when it comes to personality but hell at this point who knows. I'm so desperate for death I'll take a heart attack or even cancer at this point I really don't care. Oh here is the kicker, the ******* blames me for what just happened........how do you like that. My one true wish would be to somehow go back in time and stop him from ever getting with my mom and that way my mom wins and so do I as I would never be born then. I'm everywhere with my thoughts I know but my mind is racing at a million miles per hour and I am just beyond sad right now. Can I just talk to someone for a while in the near future? I really need to. I need help. I .....I just don't know man. Such misery....what did I ever do to deserve this?
 

Louco

Well-known member
I don't know what's worse, the feeling of killing yourself coming from an emotional outburst or when suicide gradually becomes more and more a logical decision and the best course of action in your mind.
 

defiance

Well-known member
I don't know what's worse, the feeling of killing yourself coming from an emotional outburst or when suicide gradually becomes more and more a logical decision and the best course of action in your mind.

I was asking myself this question during that time when the argument happened. I still don't know myself
 

zharl

Well-known member
Hey there Defiance. Haven't been around lately. If you read this, I can make some time tomorrow. I'll also PM you my email, in case I'm not on.
 
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