Will I ever be happy again??

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SR287

Member
I have lost a lot in life due to Avpd among other mental illnesses in my family that have affected other people making it even harder to get along with them. My grandmother's stroke was basically blamed on me for an argument between us. I was staying with my mom for a while during difficult times and I wont go into all of that but living with her ended badly as living with parents as an adult usually does and I have not had much contact with her the last year. My father was abusive mentally to me when I was younger and physically to my brothers and mom so I chose to stop having contact with him about 7 years ago because he continued to put me down and treat me like crap. I have a 5 year old daughter he has never met. Because I chose not to have contact with him my brother suddenly decided last year that I was a pos and that he did not want to have contact with me (as I have stated they all have their own issues as well). I still have contact with my other brother but barely as it always has been.

I have 1 person I really consider a friend and that is not really a "full" friendship as we dont really ever talk about things too serious.. arent too close I suppose. Which doesnt bother me other than I feel the need to have someone to talk to sometimes. I have a hard time making friends mostly because I just don't find many people interesting. But I also have the anxiety we are all familiar with.

My main issues revolve around my fiance. I have been with him for 3 years now and engaged to him for 2 years. Because of ways that I interpret things he does or does not do I find it hard to open up with him, as I always have with everyone. In the beginning things were good but I think at some point I started to feel not worthy of him which made me insecure and has changed our relationship.

This last weekend we talked through text when he was out of town and opened up more and he admitted that he has been putting off our wedding because he has doubts. Later he said that its not that he has doubts that we should stay together, just that he feels that if we get married when we have issues that we will fail at being married. Which to me doesnt make much sense... it does in a way that yes it is best to go into a marriage with an ideal relationship but in my mind couples in general have issues and to be unsure because of that does make me think that he has doubts about me.

He has told me that he will wait as long as it takes for us to get there and that he still wants to marry me, just not now. This really discouraged me and has crushed me. I havent worn my ring since because I feel like it just puts pressure on me or is a reminder that in my mind at least I am not good enough. I feel like he was sure about us then but now he is not so I just feel foolish almost wearing it. I wonder if things will ever be good enough for us to get married. I want another baby too and hoped that we would be ready for that soon but Im not sure if he ever really even wants that with me (my daughter is not his but he has raised her as his that last 3 years). I have cancers that run in the family that cause young hysterectomies and I worry that if I wait too long I won't even be able to have another baby (I am almost 28). I also have 1-2 years left of college before I will be trying to have a career so I wont feel that then is a good time either.. Im scared that I will just be led on for years only to be told that I am not good enough and have had given up on everything that I have wanted for so long.

I just feel so discouraged right now like I will never improve, I will never get what I want in life, I can never be happy... :kickingmyself:
 
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Sial Axetder

Sial Axetder

1
First thing I notice is depression.

Start there. Read up on it and treatments.

You can have happiness. You will be happy. And you are worth it! You're important to this world.
 
S

SR287

Member
Thanks guys it helps so much sometimes just to be able to say whatever you want to people without fear of judgement.. I know some people have anxiety about forums as well and can take criticism on here just as personally as in life but for me online has always been the place I can feel like I can express myself freely and if someone does not like it then I simply dont have to interact with them again!

I have been trying very hard to open up to my fiance more and it has been helping out a lot. He admits that he doesnt always do what is best to help our relationship so he is trying harder too to make it easier on me. This morning I got really discouraged because I just had this sinking feeling that he doesnt understand me, that he only thinks I am crazy and says as much to his friends and family. I do get a little bit paranoid about things sometimes but I am generally able to shake it off.. when I am not it builds up in me and just brings me down. But this morning I actually just talked to him about it and told him reactions from him that make me feel worse and how he could reassure me a little more and I was actually at least able to get that off my chest and be able to feel better again somewhat.

On top of my family issues I have issues with my fiances family. His brother suffers from PTSD and his girlfriend although I dont know what all she is diagnosed with is well in my opinion a pain in the ass. :/ She comes off to me as very judging very rude and superficial. I have never warmed up to her because I just cannot feel comfortable around her. Nor do I really feel like she is that great of a person.. I have never been rude to her but have kept my distance. I also keep my distance from his mother and brother not because I dont like them but just because I am hardly around them and they dont really make that much an effort to have a relationship with me anymore. Which I know comes from my issues... which have been nothing more than me being reserved, not talkative around them...

My fiances brothers girlfriend finally decided that she had had enough I guess.. I thought I was being paranoid in hearing her and his mother talking about me during a family get together in which they went in another room to cut me out of interaction to talk behind my back... I mentioned it to my fiance telling him I thought I was just being paranoid and turns out I wasnt and they were talking about me.. saying that its been 3 years and I dont have anything to do with anyone.. Then the brothers girlfriend was just outwardly rude to me.. our girls were playing and were just being very rude to each other hurting each others feelings and I didnt like it so I stepped in and told MY daughter to knock it off a few times... she told me VERY rudely that I needed to knock it off and walked off with her daughter. the girls are now not allowed to play together by her wish when they were best friends. I also refuse to go over there because I will not be around her.

It offends me greatly that I am outcast and even treated badly simply because I do not talk to them enough. I am not rude. I am not mean. I am polite. But I am reserved. Because I am different I am treated like I am nothing. I have nothing against his brother but I have no desire to know his girlfriend any longer. I have no desire to fix anything with her because I feel she treated me wrongly for no reason (my fiance has also had issues with her for years now and wont visit his brother when she is there now)..

I do slip into depression and have for years but have slowly gotten better on my own and with my family (daughter & fiance). I dont want to have my daughter see me sad so I dont and most the time I find it hard to be sad when she is here anyway because she is so happy and loving I cant not be happy when she is with me. And my fiance is my strength as well which makes it hard that I am in fear of losing him or rather maybe not ever really having him in the first place?

A lot of the things in my life I am not happy about I feel I dont have much control over like my family. I feel the only way to not be unhappy about it is to put it out of my mind pretty much. I want to try to focus on school and on my fiance and I. Ive already started to try to take some more positive steps such as I am going to go through my phone music collection and put only songs on that make me feel more upbeat instead of those that bring me down more... Im putting things from my past away or throwing them away to try to help me move beyond it and am going to try to surround myself with everything positive that I can. We will see how long it will last :) I will try!!
 
S

SR287

Member
My friend and I are going on our first camping trip of the year during spring break, I am leaving my daughter with my fiance and we are going to just go relax for 3 days... I am so excited to be able to get away from everyone and clear my head!! It seems the more I am around people the more they influence my thoughts and I just get so unhappy. I hope I will get a better perspective for when I come back :)
 
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ImNotMyIllness

Well-known member
Have a great time on your camping trip! Looks like you and your fiance both have issues to work on. Communication is key, and creating an environment where both parties feel safe to disclose their feelings is key to a successful relationship. Proper communication requires an open door.

Good luck!
 
mikebird

mikebird

Banned
Today I was hoping for too much at my new special meeting and assessment with a different kind of jobfinding service.

It was more repeated 'in-your-face' do this; do that od my last 10 years under the thumb of recruiters. Change. Nobody intends to 'help', under their carefully designed guise. The function is to take you life away and make you realise that you are not fit for work.

So many years of the same message and signal. The most evading, elusive buzzwords of love and work.

Nothing has changed since I was at school. These simple words are cornerstones of society and civilisation. Nothing to listen to, from these people I met, simpletons going on about 'your CV is not good enough'. I know better than these people. Normal people don't listen. All the fruits of their labour, doing nothing, but smiling - nice homes, vehicles, all sparkling.

Hard work is keeping idiots happy. Not possible. I ain't a lapdog shoe polisher.
I sat there staring at a grossly overweight lady telling me that living alone means I have to develop and form my special social networking status in order to have the right office attitude. Who needs to tell me something I knew 14 years ago?

When I was at school, I learnt a lot. Why are people trying to teach me? I never noticed someone sweat and blush like that, needing regular breaks to gather her thoughts. I was patient and tolerant - very relaxed. Just a few words seemed to crack her. What does she know? I tried a new approach with 'are you religious?' She said 'YES!' Every Sunday? I thought 'the office' seems to be the modern world's church. They all flock and gather. Pray to your desk. All things of power are humans. Bring 'em together.

Well... some non-magnetic force that binds all flesh. My clear belief that all people move away from me. Cannot stand to be with me.
Similar type of religion? I am deeply motivated to get away from people. I decided to put my bible down when I was 4.

Mmmm... well... I wanna make a proper movie out of that. Perhaps slightly difficult
 
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