Why do I feel most self conscious/paranoid talking to my brother?

[Snowdrop]

Actually, I don't know whether it was just talking to my brother (he's a few years older than me) or whether it was the topic of conversation.
In general, he's the type who likes teasing me most of the time, like we'll bicker about silly things eg. what's right/what's wrong, he will always disagree with me just because, typical sibling arguments lol.

In the past, I'd just find him really annoying like normal. But now the things he says hurts me on a more personal level (he doesn't know about my anxiety or depression and I don't plan on telling him for various reasons) he doesn't know it though.

Anyway, I got off the phone from him, as he goes to university just a few moments ago. He was commenting on some photos from when I went clubbing a few days ago and in one of them I was sitting on a gay friend's lap with my thumbs up, for fun. He was being silly and asking why was my thumbs up, there was no point to it and it looked out of place etc. (would that really look out of place?! see i'm already questioning myself!! D: ) and the way he made it sound like I was stupid for sitting on his lap - he didn't know he was gay so maybe he was a bit weirded out that I was, and feeling protective but he was laughing at the same time, maybe to cover his concern - I'm not sure.
Was I overthinking the whole thing? But most importantly, I don't know why I felt really defensive all of a sudden, like REALLY defensive, kind of hurt and tired of the conversation, it's as if he can only make a conversation if he disagrees or teases me about something.
I felt like telling him "he's gay you know" just because I was scared of him judging me. Has anyone felt something similar ever before? It was almost like I really didn't want him to change his opinion of me or something.
Like I wanted it to be the same normal, annoying but carefree arguments from when we were younger but not the arguments we had today.

What does anyone think of this?? Why do I get so overly anxious about things that are so small like this??? Any answers would be appreciated. Thank you!! I'm just so confused and feeling like I've done something wrong ::

 

[SonicMan]

I think I understand that feeling. I get very self concious and paranoid over silly things sometimes, but I am improving. I wish I could give better advice but I will say what I can. I don't think you have done anything wrong and your brother probably does not realize his comments are affecting you that much. I think he is just having a joke but I don't know really. I hope that helps you to feel better.

 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks for replying SonicMan. He probably was having a laugh as you said. I just get overly insecure for some unknown reason :S I'm sure if I just stop thinking so much about things, it'll get better.

 

[OneLove]

your brother is teasing you because he feels comfortable with doing so. Because he's been doing it for so long and it hasn't affected you until now, he feels safe in teasing you knowing that you won't get offended. He doesn't want to hurt you. He thinks the teasing is playful and he thinks its mutual. he's your bro-he loves u.

He probably just thought it was weird seeing you on some guy's lap with your thumbs up because usually in those context the person with the thumbs up gives the impression of "ohyeah, look at me. im lucky.getting to sit on his hott person's lap" but really, you were just doing one of those automatic things we do like me.. I always give peace signs.. they're lame, but it's instant reaction to getting my picture taken. one time someone came up to me and stereotyped and said "what are doing?trying to be Japanese? " Because to that person -all Japanese people use peace signs in their pictures which even that isn't true.. but yeah, they were just teasing me like ur brother did to u

you're fine, love. Your brother loves you. If you feel like it gets too much, and you don't want to tell him about how your feeling, try to make your conversations a little bit more short lived for now until you feel yourself getting over the emotions. i suggest not forcing yourself to sit there and continue listening to his teasing and making yourself feel worse. Take a step back from the situation a little while.

If you've always been teasy-type with your brother and it was never a problem and then all of a sudden it seems to be- it's out of your norm so let yourself feel better knowing that your not going to be stuck feeling this way. these feelings are temporary. Keep reminding yourself that and eventually when you don't focus on them, then you'll let go and before you know it you'll catch yourself joking and being teased and you'll realize you don't mind it again!

 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you OneLove. Your answer made me feel abit better and it was a bit of a wakeup call, really. Ever since depression/anxiety started Ive been constantly questioning who I am 'cause I've changed so much, that even my family relationships have changed, I see them differently and I fear they see me differently, I even question whether they love me or if I love them because I feel so empty inside, like such a different person. I can't understand these thoughts sometimes but I do know they are probably irrelevant.

And I did try to make the conversation more short lived like you said by sort of giving him short, faltering answers and sounding kinda bored, just because I wanted to get away from it. But I know the real way to solve this is to face them head-on sometimes and tell myself it isn't to hurt me, and he doesn't judge me. I'm still confused why I am so paranoid but I feel a bit better now. Thanks again

 

[DespairSoul]

Thank you OneLove. Your answer made me feel abit better and it was a bit of a wakeup call, really. Ever since depression/anxiety started Ive been constantly questioning who I am 'cause I've changed so much, that even my family relationships have changed, I see them differently and I fear they see me differently, I even question whether they love me or if I love them because I feel so empty inside, like such a different person. I can't understand these thoughts sometimes but I do know they are probably irrelevant.

And I did try to make the conversation more short lived like you said by sort of giving him short, faltering answers and sounding kinda bored, just because I wanted to get away from it. But I know the real way to solve this is to face them head-on sometimes and tell myself it isn't to hurt me, and he doesn't judge me. I'm still confused why I am so paranoid but I feel a bit better now. Thanks again

I agree with Onelove about your bro that he loves u and he have fun with teasing u and he think is really mutual.

But can i ask u something?DO you was really feeling comfortable in that moment what u was seating on his laps and thumbs up?Or you just did for be more liked and try to fix to this groupe of people around u?If was natural reaction then u must be worried about nothing but if u was just pretending then this girl what is on pic inst u but this i can relate because i would do the same fit in. U have to nothing worry about but i worry also later if i do something and is enough if some make some stupid comment about me i will later all the overthinking this. Try focus that was natural and just fun.

 

[Snowdrop]

I agree with Onelove about your bro that he loves u and he have fun with teasing u and he think is really mutual.

But can i ask u something?DO you was really feeling comfortable in that moment what u was seating on his laps and thumbs up?Or you just did for be more liked and try to fix to this groupe of people around u?If was natural reaction then u must be worried about nothing but if u was just pretending then this girl what is on pic inst u but this i can relate because i would do the same fit in. U have to nothing worry about but i worry also later if i do something and is enough if some make some stupid comment about me i will later all the overthinking this. Try focus that was natural and just fun.

I don't know, I just don't know what it is about me that anyone could love, I know it sounds weird but it's like I don't know what the meaning of love is anymore. As for sitting on his lap I did it because there were no other seats on the train, well there were but none with everyone else and he said you can sit on my lap so I did because I didn't want to seem snobby or boring going to sit somewhere else.

 

[DespairSoul]

I relate to that, i would do the same because that people dont think im snooby or boring exactly. Because we care to much snowy how we look. U are smart girl this can someone love on you, you are witty this can someone love on you, you are quiet but also this can someone love on you!Remember always will be some person what will love some things even if they will be small LOVE ON YOU! Hugs

 

[Snowdrop]

Aww thanks beauty soul ^^ there are so many things that could be said the same about you. I know he's my bro and he loves me, and probably deep down inside somewhere i still love him, its just hard to bring out sometimes because I feel so bad at this moment.

I can see things a bit clearer now. Because he wouldn't say those things to spite me or hurt me, I just see it that way cause I have an overactive, super self conscious mind :: I know it was only me who was fearful of judgement, not him judging me. I'll just keep thinking that, and it'll be okay.
Thanks to EVERYONE who answered.