Why Can't I FEEL.

[EscapeArtist]

I don't feel emotions anymore. I don't recognize them. My therapist cries when I speak of some aspects of my life and I stare...and I SMILE... I know when I'm angry, lonely, and jealous.... but I don't feel it. I don't feel it. I can feel myself stifling my feelings even if I don't want to, I feel a tightness in my mind and a tensing through my body but, I don't feel it, it doesn't come.

I think I'm permanently dead inside. I'm heartless. A twisted destructive shell of a being with secret hopes of fulfillment buried deeply under something I can't detect. Somebody please tell me i'm not alone... I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

 

[p i a n o♬]

I don't feel emotions anymore. I don't recognize them. My therapist cries when I speak of some aspects of my life and I stare...and I SMILE... I know when I'm angry, lonely, and jealous.... but I don't feel it. I don't feel it. I can feel myself stifling my feelings even if I don't want to, I feel a tightness in my mind and a tensing through my body but, I don't feel it, it doesn't come.

I think I'm permanently dead inside. I'm heartless. A twisted destructive shell of a being with secret hopes of fulfillment buried deeply under something I can't detect. Somebody please tell me i'm not alone... I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

You're not alone. After I got over depression and cutting, it still lingers, it's left a smear on my emotions. I've been pretty blunt since then and, sorry if this is confusing, I forgot how to cry. Yeah, sounds ridiculous. I feel like years have gone by in my own time, but for others it hasn't. All of those horrible things that happened to me.. They really changed me you know? I still have scars that lead me back to terrifying images of my depression. Those years that have gotten by in my time.. I can't seem to relate to people my age anymore. They seem so enveloped in their own business. I guess that's normal, eh?

Back to what you were saying -- excuse my rambling -- sounds like you've been through some tough times that have affected you greatly..? I'm not sure, I'm not all that great with giving advice.

Just please know you're not alone. It'll kill me that you're hurting until I know you're okay. Sorry. That's just me caring deeply about someone I hardly know. Take care.

 

[GhoulsNightOut]

I don't feel anymore either. It seems like anytime I talk to someone nowadays, I feign interest in what they're saying.

 

[EscapeArtist]

You're not alone. After I got over depression and cutting, it still lingers, it's left a smear on my emotions. I've been pretty blunt since then and, sorry if this is confusing, I forgot how to cry. Yeah, sounds ridiculous. I feel like years have gone by in my own time, but for others it hasn't. All of those horrible things that happened to me.. They really changed me you know? I still have scars that lead me back to terrifying images of my depression. Those years that have gotten by in my time.. I can't seem to relate to people my age anymore. They seem so enveloped in their own business. I guess that's normal, eh?

Back to what you were saying -- excuse my rambling -- sounds like you've been through some tough times that have affected you greatly..? I'm not sure, I'm not all that great with giving advice.

Just please know you're not alone. It'll kill me that you're hurting until I know you're okay. Sorry. That's just me caring deeply about someone I hardly know. Take care.

I know.. I feel like I have forgotten how to cry, and it leads me to violent thoughts, all the different ways to hurt myself. If I could just wring out the emotion, the tension to hurt myself might lessen. Every day feels like a month! I just want to sleep for the next 3 years, but I'm too afraid to sleep because I don't want to wake up, i'm sleep deprived, and i'm doing it on purpose. Everybody is obsessed with their own lives... I'm a hypocrite to hate that.
I see your will to help me.. you see the unbearable pain you can still remember the feeling of in me, you want to help but you know there's nothing you can do, except for say that you care, even if it's a stranger, and somehow knowing that a stranger cares does a lot of good for me, at least it keeps me from extreme thinking. I don't know how I continue to live with such misery from isolating myself and lacking the skills to connect to others.... Lucky for me, I know i'll never end it all, but rather come up with different discreet, long lasting methods of self torture, i'll keep myself away from whatever I know I want the most and fill myself with exactly what I'd hate to become, which is what the isolation is anyways!
Anyway.. thanks, for caring, it really does help, just to hear that, even from a nice stranger.

 

[lunarla]

I feel way too much, but I don't dare let anyone in about it all. I think it's some sort of trust thing. To other people I'm sure I probably seem very cold and heartless.

Maybe you've just been doing it so long as a sort of coping mechanism/trust thing too that it's just stuck. I doubt you're genuinely a heartless person though.

 

[Enialis227]

-Deleted by Enialis227-

 

[agoraphobickatie]

i'm sorry =/ i know you're not alone, and there are genuine people out there who know what you're going through, and they do care.. i'm a lucky girl, i looked at my traumatizing past, took all of the positive i could find from it, and said goodbye to it.. having a 'complicated', depressing upbringing and my own anxiety issues really drives me to want to help other people.. it makes me understand a lot of what people are going through and makes me want to pursue psychology....

anyway.. maybe there's something you could do? you know, like an outlet? maybe you don't feel like doing anything will help you to 'feel', you don't think it will work.. but maybe if you practice at something long enough, it will start evoking emotions through you... like writing, or drawing or painting, playing an instrument... anything artistic, anything random that you feel compelled to do. enjoying something is a feeling. maybe you could just find something you enjoy, or something that makes you feel anything different... keep at it and begin to feel yourself expressing different emotions through what you're doing...

also, music really effects my mood and brings out emotions... happy, sad, calm, studious, thoughtful, anything... anything by bonobo or buckethead music really evokes feelings, for me at least..

i don't know, i just wanted to help ::

 

[Quiet Angel]

I've felt nothingness when my depression was extremely low
and I literally would do nothing for hours because I had no motivation
to do anything... I must admit, depression is serious & it's scary.

Nowadays, I don't feel anything either but for a different reason.
I'm on anti-depressents so it feels like I have artificial happiness.
I can't cry when I want to, I don't experience much sadness/anger.

A lot of us feel alone & it really does feel that way...
but nobody is alone with depression.