Where to go from here?

[aj]

I think that this is starting to stray away from SP, but here goes.

So last Saturday, I went out for a drink with some people from work. On the wave of optimism from that (!) I joined them at break times at work on Monday, and have been doing that all week, as I've been told that it's nice to have me there at last.

But now, old feelings are coming back. What's actually happened after doing this, aside from the fear thing? Nothing at all! Why have I still had a weekend of doing nothing? I understand that I could be way more proactive but it seems like it would be so futile. If I went out with anyone it would be a one-off thing and nothing would change - see last Saturday! How do you get from this to being friends? What are friends anyway? Where do you go from here?

 

[SilentType]

Ah, the ball and chain that is anxiety. Just be glad you had that great week. The evil forces of anxiety will always come crashing back down upon you in one way or another.

Friends are people who hang out and just chill or do things with each other. It's hard for people like us to have friends because we often decline invitations because we're feeling anxious. Once you decline a few times, people just stop trying to get you to do stuff with them.

Hope that made sense...

Peace

 

[aj]

It made sense

It was a great week. Yeah, I guess that's what friends are. Daft question really! Oh, you don't need to tell me about people not asking you any more - been there, done that.

What I mean is that I want to get past standing around at break time. Do I have to decide on somewhere to go and then invite someone along? Oh god, you're going to say yes aren't you?

It just feels odd when you know that the others have gone out and done things. Probably not much, but something. Please invite me...

 

[aj]

I asked someone this morning how they were. We know each other well, but only as colleagues. I get something like "hmm, okay thanks." Someone else asks and gets way more and an actual conversation from exactly the same question.

Well, okay, they know each other more. I understand that, fair enough. My point is how do you get to that kind of stage with someone? How do you build trust? How do you get past small talk? I guess I don't want to go out and do lots of things, I just want someone to think of coming to me if they need help or someone to talk to. How do you show that you care, when you do?

Last week I offered someone I work with my mobile number (ie. asking if they wanted it) over the internet and they just ignored it and asked me if I had and plans for the weekend.

 

[Incognito]

aj, well, you're not going to hit it off with everyone. That's okay. It dosen't mean they hate you or anything, you just may not have much in common. Finding that common ground is how you get past small talk. As for showing that you care, simply showing interest in them does that. For example, I saw a girl hanging around a guy at work alot. I asked him if he was seeing her. He wasn't, it turned out he was engaged! I hadn't known that. We're not really friends but he is acting more friendly toward me.

 

[de]

I asked someone this morning how they were. We know each other well, but only as colleagues. I get something like "hmm, okay thanks." Someone else asks and gets way more and an actual conversation from exactly the same question.

Well, okay, they know each other more. I understand that, fair enough. My point is how do you get to that kind of stage with someone? How do you build trust? How do you get past small talk? I guess I don't want to go out and do lots of things, I just want someone to think of coming to me if they need help or someone to talk to. How do you show that you care, when you do?

Last week I offered someone I work with my mobile number (ie. asking if they wanted it) over the internet and they just ignored it and asked me if I had and plans for the weekend.

i have spent hours trying to think of how i went from just making small talk to being freinds with people before my anxiety became more severe and some of things i have found is that most people think when you are older unlike when you are a kid everyone thinks that you already have a close circle of freinds so arnt really aware of the fact that you might be looking for an invite to hang out with them,
you have to be comfortable around them enough to relax and tell them about something you did over the weekend maybe something that was slightly embarrasing (not to embarrasing though)but that was funny this will show them that you dont take yourself sereiously and are able to take a joke about yourself because a lot of what mates do when they hang out is take the piss out of each other for embarrassing stuff they have done in the past or are doing
it dosint have to be recent maybe it was from years ago or something somebody else did that was embarrassing just say it happened at the weekend and then ask them what they did at the weekend ,and from where im from anyway if you get this sort of freindly banter going with someone it means that they are comfortable enough with you to have a joke with you,
and asking for a telephone number what i have done in the past is instead of saying like heres my phone number or whats your phone number which i have done as well and gotten similar sort of responce you have to have a reason for asking even if its bullshit like i dont know maybe you need a lift to work or if you work in teams ask for his/her phone number in case you have any questions about your project.anything then just offer yours as well.

obviously these things are easier written down then done other wise we wouldnt have the problems we do making freinds and mixing with people.but all i can say and it seems highly hypocritical coming from me but just be persistent and dont give up trying to make conversation with them

 

[aj]

That all makes sense. I agree with how people tend to assume you already have friends. Funny really because that works both ways, in that as other people do already have lots of really good friends, I can't see why anyone would be interested in me at all.

That's a nice little story Incognito. I know everyone isn't friends with everyone else but I can't help thinking what it would have been like if I could just talk to them normally. They do 'like' me, I know that, but only at work.

I can't talk over the internet, can't phone, can't talk at work because they're busy and/or there's a room full of people... I so want to take them to one side and explain things, and just say how, despite what must be fantastically odd body language and everything else, I'd like to do something with them if they wanted. A walk to the shop at lunch time, anything. But it's trying to do that in a way that isn't selfishly putting them on the spot.

Then if nothing happened, I could at least be content that they knew how I felt and that was it. The way it is right now, I'm constantly wondering.

 

[Nic_ohyes]

hey. the idea is i suppose u have a few 'now n then groups' so u have more options. i dont think anyone has loads of close mates, so many people just have what i call 'user' mates, people who u literally go out with, but dont pour ur heart out to in bad times, because that ent why ur mates, ur mates coz u for example all like clubbin, so u all go together! n u have u best mates who u tell everything to and also go out with!

the more now n then groups u have the better, because ull find those now n then events r every weekend coz u got alot of connections. more people = more birthday parties etc. so dont dismiss the people u had a good night with last weekend coz they ent goin out this weekend, take it for what it is! a group of people wanting to get pissed! not a group of people who wanna have heart felt relationships. trust me, in ur life time ur lucky to have had true friends u can count on one hand!!! and u find those rare people by going out with the user crowd lol.

i had a group of 5 of us from college that used to go out every week for a year, 4 of em i dont speak to no more, 1 of em is one of my close mates now and the same goes for her, it just me n her left now. but after that i moved on to another group of clubbin mates, one of em is my best mate of 9 years, and the others we see at birthdays, leaving doo's, new years etc and maybe a piss up holiday, but thats just to fill numbers if ya get me.

play the game my friend, dont let the game play you

 

[CPA23]

SA really does not make any sense to people who don't have it. I too have been invited to social gatherings, but I always find an excuse not to go. I can just picture a scene with all these people I do not know and just feeling out of place. You have to tell yourself to just do it, but it is not that easy!! It is so difficult to be comfortable and relaxed when on the inside you are very nervous and anxious. It is sooooo frustrating!!!

 

[aj]

Finally managed to ask someone if they wanted to do something after work. And with someone else in the room too. Found out they were working all day today and tomorrow, so I asked about next week. Same again. No, it wasn't a hint

So instead of getting a definite answer like 'yes' or 'i'd rather pull one of my teeth out' I still don't know where I am, have to go through that again and do it without starting to harp on about it!

You have to laugh don't you really... :lol:

 

[aj]

What I posted there ^ was on a Saturday, when we finish at 1pm, so I was asking about the afternoon.

Today I had another go. I was sitting there for two hours sat right by them thinking about it. When it was time to go for lunch I eventually managed to say it, directly unlike last time, "would you like to do something at the weekend?" with other things lined up to answer them saying, "huh, like what!?"

Well okay, looking back on it now maybe it was a bit too random and full on to ask but there you go. Though maybe it wasn't so bad because I'd asked before, it wasn't completely out of the blue.

They didn't really hear properly and after a few seconds of me not answering just presumed that I'd asked what they'd done over the last weekend, I immediately crapped out and didn't correct them. I quickly killed that conversation when they asked what I'd done, because I hadn't done anything as usual and was still recovering from asking in the first place. I did carry it on for a moment later in the day to show that I had listened to what they said.

It was hard enough to do anyway, but being so psyched up and having them them hearing me wrong, I was ready to die. Nobody but you guys would understand how much energy that took...

So after all that they're busy shopping this weekend and I'm a bit lost for where to go. What do normal people do when they want to do something with someone but they're always doing something else? Forget it for a couple of weeks and try again? Give up because getting to know one more person isn't worth it? I don't want to give up! (They are genuinely busy, and I don't think I'm pestering them, that's exactly what I'm trying not to do )

Damn, that was long, again.