When is too much?

[Horatio]

my panic attacks are getting steadily worse and Im not sure what I should do about them

for the last ten hours Ive felt like Im about to have a heart attack and it just seems to keep getting worse. I can barely breathe and cant stop shaking.

its probably all me own fault, I've been driving myself pretty hard to be succesful at work and have been making a lot of efforts to try to meet people, all of which has made me even more stressed.

every morning I sit on the bus to work surrounded by people, all the time trying to resist the urge to scream or smash a window to escape. at work I find it hard to even say what I want to say to my colleauges which is a major concern especially when im expected to be an active participant at meetings with up to 15 people and am required to negotiate with people via international phone calls

Ive kept pushing myself, refusing to let this blasted condition win but it is getting absolutely rediculas. Im now not getting to sleep until about 4am and have to get up just after 7 to get to work where I sip energy drinks and pretend I had a whole nights sleep.

all day every day I feel like Im on the verge of having a heart attack, at work, in town and at home where I hide in my room afraid that one of my flatmates will knock on my door

Ive spent about $2500 - $3000 on therapy in the last 8 months and am still getting worse and really dont know how long I can keep this up. I know we should all be strong and keep going, keep trying to meet people and keep trying to get a career off the ground but when do we draw the line?

when is too much? when should i give up? I dont want to have a heart attack as my doctor warned me last year, he said get my anxiety and weight under control or it is a high possibility I will have a heart attack within the next two years

should I slow down? should I give up my career and become a proffesional computer gamer/forum trawler? should I admit defeat and admit Im never gonna meet people and stop putting myself in situations that increase my anxiety levels? should I move back home and lie in bed for six months again? should I be admitting myself into a hospital? should I go out with a bang?

argh

 

[crazyfairyx]

I know I'm chatting to you on msn, but I had to reply to this as well, you're very brave for having a career and spending time around people when you're so anxious, I don't know what to suggest, but we are always here for you.

x

 

[brownbag]

yea that's something i've been thinking about b4 too. even though we're working towards improving our anxiety and getting better at it, we should give ourselves a break at some point. give ourselves a breather, and allow ourselves to sometimes just nOt work on the anxiety sometimes, because we obviously can't be working at it 24 hours a day.

then again, we shouldn't give ourselves too much time off and should continue working our asses off once we've had enough of time away from it all.

as for your case horatio, i know what u mean when u wanna work really hard and do the best you can,which is really good.. but from what i read in ur post, perhaps you gotta see where your own limits are and just learn that there's this certain level in which u can work so hard at, and trying to exceed these so-called "unchangeable" limits that you have would probly just harm you, especially your health in your case.
and this goes the same for everyone, since we all have certain limits which simply can;t n shouldnt exceed at times - strengths & weaknesses.

im thinking for you horatio, it's probly not exactly the anxiety aspect of it, but the body generally just alarming you to take care of it and stop over-pushing yourself - just like any other human being's body. and it's asking you to get more rest,sleep,exercise.

ree-guards.

 

[dzerklis]

sorry to hear it all, ive been in a similar position, what helped and helps me is cbt therapy, if you havent tried give it a try, it gives you methods and strategies to cope with it all, the shit we have to go through, im sure this therapy could help anyone of us if we truly wanted it and were persistent enough.

 

[corrinaelizabeth]

im sorry i think ur doing very well but i didnt like this comment u made
should I give up my career and become a proffesional computer gamer/forum trawler?
ppl with agoraphobia sometimes dont go out and all they can do is be a proffessional gamer and forum trawler i only take my dog out once a day thats all i can manage some ppl cant even step out the door and yes i suppose i am a "proffessional forum trawler" as u so nicely put it,im actually really upset u made that comment

 

[Horatio]

corrina - sorry I didnt mean to offend anyone, least of all you. I 100% know where your coming from. this time 2 years ago I was effectively bedridden at my parents place. For about 6 months or so I basically only left my small dark bedroom to use the bathroom or the kitchen with the exception of the occasional night time stroll. during that time, all I did was play computer games on the internet and surf forums. during that time I used to jokingly refer to myself as a "proffesional gamer" or "E-Athlete" and on the computer gaming forums that I used to frequent I was referred to as a "forum trawler", a term given to anyone who posts a lot and at hours all the way through the day. I would joke about it but the truth is I have worked very hard to first leave the house, then try to get a job, then try to build it into a career. people have to do what they have to do to keep themselves going, spending 14 hours a day on the internet is one way to cope and is exactly what I did several years ago. but now with a lack of anything else in my life it would be devastating for me to have to go back to my old ways, especially now as it would be difficult for me to move back home. am very sorry to have upset you and I apologise

dzerklis - Ive been receiving therapy since last September, although not cbt I dont think. certainly next time Im in a larger city that has a cbt group I will give it a go

brownbag - its a very hard decision to make isnt it everyone seems to say to go out there and tackle the bull by the horns, face your fears and be positive etc.
I used my frustration as a tool to help try to dig me out from the hole I was in. it was the hardest thing I had ever done to go from hiding in my room to then leave home, go to a new city where I knew noone, live with strangers, work in a proffesional enviroment in a fast moving industry but I was bloody determined. I tried to use the same technique to meet people, make friends, meet girls etc, but I had little success with that, but work wise I exceeded all expectations I had.

to push so far only to have the rug pulled out from under my feet by that devil of an SA is a kick in the guts. I really am undecided wether or not to call it a day and admit defeat, admit that a guy like me with depression and SA can't operate in a proffesional enviroment and has no place to do what I'm trying to do.

I wish I knew wether I should stop pushing boundaries, call it a day and go back to living in my bedroom or if I should keep fighting and grab that SA by the scruff of it's neck and introduce it to Mr Fist. maybe it is better to go down fighting? I dunno, I hate this

crazyfairy - thanks sweetie, your the best!

 

[krazykid2389]

heyy

Hey, I'm only a teenager so I have no idea what the working world is like, but I really wanted to tell you a couple things
1) I think its amazing you have a job and are setting goals (with making new friends etc..) Thats what I want so bad when I'm older.
2) Switch therapists...I've been to 10 in the last 4 years, seriously if you have spent that much money, he/she is probably not the right one for you.
3) Take a long vacation and relax. Theres no reason to work your butt off, it you're about to have a heart attack....theres no point.
4) I dont know if you have any religion, but if you do....pray to that person or thing. Seriously, just knowing someone is with you wherever you are helps.
5) Buy yourself flowers...you deserve it

 

[triceratops]

corrina - sorry I didnt mean to offend anyone, least of all you. I 100% know where your coming from. this time 2 years ago I was effectively bedridden at my parents place. For about 6 months or so I basically only left my small dark bedroom to use the bathroom or the kitchen with the exception of the occasional night time stroll. during that time, all I did was play computer games on the internet and surf forums. during that time I used to jokingly refer to myself as a "proffesional gamer" or "E-Athlete" and on the computer gaming forums that I used to frequent I was referred to as a "forum trawler", a term given to anyone who posts a lot and at hours all the way through the day. I would joke about it but the truth is I have worked very hard to first leave the house, then try to get a job, then try to build it into a career. people have to do what they have to do to keep themselves going, spending 14 hours a day on the internet is one way to cope and is exactly what I did several years ago. but now with a lack of anything else in my life it would be devastating for me to have to go back to my old ways, especially now as it would be difficult for me to move back home. am very sorry to have upset you and I apologise

dzerklis - Ive been receiving therapy since last September, although not cbt I dont think. certainly next time Im in a larger city that has a cbt group I will give it a go

brownbag - its a very hard decision to make isnt it everyone seems to say to go out there and tackle the bull by the horns, face your fears and be positive etc.
I used my frustration as a tool to help try to dig me out from the hole I was in. it was the hardest thing I had ever done to go from hiding in my room to then leave home, go to a new city where I knew noone, live with strangers, work in a proffesional enviroment in a fast moving industry but I was bloody determined. I tried to use the same technique to meet people, make friends, meet girls etc, but I had little success with that, but work wise I exceeded all expectations I had.

to push so far only to have the rug pulled out from under my feet by that devil of an SA is a kick in the guts. I really am undecided wether or not to call it a day and admit defeat, admit that a guy like me with depression and SA can't operate in a proffesional enviroment and has no place to do what I'm trying to do.

I wish I knew wether I should stop pushing boundaries, call it a day and go back to living in my bedroom or if I should keep fighting and grab that SA by the scruff of it's neck and introduce it to Mr Fist. maybe it is better to go down fighting? I dunno, I hate this

crazyfairy - thanks sweetie, your the best!

I dont really know what to say but I hope it works out for you. Maybe u should think about changing career if its causing so much stress.