When is it time to leave

[NatRad]

ive been putting this off for a long time now, ignoring advice from friends and family.

But when is it time, to grab your daughter and run away from the OCD crazed person.

My wife, ha OCD cluttering and hording, all i do with my time, is clean up after her, i have a very highly stressed job, all i do is go to work, then come home and clean, thats my life. And im loosing the cleaning battle.

My mothers seen my 15 month old daughtesr room, my wife physically wont let me go in there, its pilled up 2 foot high with used clothes and barbage, as too is our bedroom, and the spare room i can not open the door to get into.

the kitchen, it overflowign with dirty dishy, mouldy food scraps, as too the rest of the house which im constnatly trying to clean.

im loosing, theres no questioning that, i keep holding in, thinking this will get better, but its just been getting worse, its now a big health hazard to my self and my daughter, but my wife wont stop, now she wants to go and buy more animals.

I work 12-13-14 hours a day and night on shift work, i work, i sleep i clean.

Ive been living like this, for about 7 years now, i can feel it killing me slowly, its taken away any form of a life i could ever have. all i am, is the primary worker, and primary cleaner. I earn the money, i do all the house work, and these days it seems im even raising my daughter by my self. All she does is sit on the lounge with her laptop, putting us into more debt with her endless buying of things, while she eats, grows fatter and throws things onto the floor. She does not do any form of house work what so ever, she even doesnt cook anymore.

im thinking of putting my daughter in my car, and leaving with what i can carry, ill loose the house, ill loose my motorbikes, ill loose all my possessions and still have endless debt shes put us into. ill probably loose my career too as id have to look after my daughter.

i dont know what to do anymore, but now shes seen to it, that i dont have contact with my family anymore, because they tried to clean up our house while she was out.

I havnt had friends for years, because i kept making excusing why they couldnt come to my house.

im lost, im scared of loosing everything, and even loosing my daughter, the courts would see that she gets her instead of me most likely, as shes put it into all her family that the house is my fault because i dont do anything.

 

[gingerbread153]

Hm, I'm not doubting her having OCD but I thought most OCD people were absolutely afraid of germs and filth...

Your situation really seems like a problem and I can understand completely why it's eating away at your family and why you're so scared. Have you tried getting your wife to see a therapist? I know you said that you're in a bad financial situation but I think it would be work it. If you can research some good therapists in your area I'm sure everything will get better for you. There are always down times in life but you can't give up.

Sit your wife down and let her know how much this is bothering you. Ask her how she feels about therapy and try getting it through her head that she needs to help around the house.

How many animals do you have? I hate to say this but judging by your post you should give them up to a no kill shelter or try getting rid of them... It would prevent filth and save you money. I would really suggest giving your animals up to a NO KILL shelter until you can get your life and your house straightened out. You could try giving your animals to family until you can get your situation under control.

I think therapy for your wife and couple therapy for the both of you would be best... I hope your marriage turns out well and I hope you get this under control. Good luck and God Bless!

 

[Liz17]

I dont believe the answer lies in getting in the car and running away from it all. You need to sit down with your wife and talk things out with her, Im sure if you say how serious you feel about it she will hear you out. After all she obviously wants to be with you, and will try to make it easier if she is aware of it. Alot of the times I dont belive people realise what effects there actions have on others, until you point things out to her she wont realise theirs something wrong. And even if you have tried talking to her, Im sure she probably doesnt realise the seriousness of it. Maybe their is something behind her not cleaning up, she may have a phobia about it. You need to talk to her, I dont belive that her having OCD should be held against her. Im sure you are struggling and you have alot to deal with, Im sure you never rest and maybe your just feeling very exhausted physically and mentally. maybe try to go on holiday as a family, you can get the much needed rest for yourself and it would be the perfect time to speak with your wife away from home. Maybe then it will sort itself out.

 

[NatRad]

we have tried talking, we booked into couples counselling once but she went away and it got cancelled, there is just no talking, it doesnt matter how i say anything, she just yells at me, and blames me for things.

the problem lies in, i am a senior police officer, and my mother is a high up boss in the community services, what some countries refer to as social workers, the ones that deal with children. we both are appauled, this isnt how i was raised, we both know this isnt right, and should be delt with the way we have been trained, but this is our own family.

since she had our daughter 16 months ago, its been unbarable, she has just spiraled out of control beyond anybodys help, she wont listen to anybody, all her family her doctor, my mother cleaned up my daughters room, and its caused worl dwar 3.

she seems to think this is acceptable way of living, just throwing garbage on the floor like a 5 year old, throwing clothes on the floor, dishes, anything she can get her hands onto, she defends it, wont let anybody clean it up, when i do, its just constant work, by the time ive finished one end of the house, shes messed it up again. all it takes is for me to go to work, and its trahsed, takes me a week of rest days to clean it up again and it starts all over again. its killing me slowly with stress, i dont sleep, i dont relax, i just forsee my self having a heartattack in my mid 30's and not being around anymore. thats not too long away.

ive spoken to our gp, who is a very smart person, and hes changed her medication to a specifc ocd medication over the past few weeks, but since she started its just been hell. shes emotional angry all the time, trashes everything an dhasnt done a single thing, she just sits there, doesnt look after our daughter anymore than she has too, shes crying out for stimulation, but all my wife is concerned about is playing world of war craft and watching soap operas on uktv, thats all she does all day, she sleeps in till lunchtime, stays up until the early hours of the morning. when im at work, i have no control what she does, i can only do things when im home, when you work 13 hour shift work, day and night, sometimes 5-6 shifts strait then have 3 days off and start again.

its just not about me anymore, my life is destroyed dealing with this, its now about my daughter, she deserves better, but i fear if i do run of, theres a chance that i wont get custody of her, and even if i do, it would mean, leaving work and becoming a full time stay at home dad, we are upper middle class, and doing that would put us below the poverty line

 

[Liz17]

Have you thought about scaring her? Maybe you should leave for a week or two to see how she reacts, she may come to a realisation about the damage her actions cause.

 

[JCS008]

I agree with what Liz wrote. I guess its easier said than done, but from what I've looked up most peple with OCD would always choose their family over their rituals and habits.

Maybe you should give her an ultimatum to see how she reacts. But definitely you need to be supportive of her. As a suffer of OCD myself, family always remains a top priority, but the rituals just cause too much discomfort. Maybe with her knowing the pain its causing to her family, would cause her to seek serious treatment.

 

[NatRad]

I feel shes chosen her clutter over me, that i know.

every time i put down an ultermatum it starts ww3. I once took away the austar and internet, saying she cant have them back until she cleans, this did not end well. the cleaning never got done.

i get angry in this house, the clutter, the mess, it kills me, her solution, si to resolve my anger, not clean up, but put me into therapy, so i dont get angry about it, i dont think this is a solution.

ive tried scaring her, unfortunetly, i cant really go away, as i need to work, i cant afford to get a motel, or stay with friends, dont have that luxury, infact, because of her OCD, i dont have any friends. nobody is allowed into this house.

 

[Liz17]

To be honest taking her internet away etc wouldnt have worked. Your using something negative against her to get a positive back. That wont happen, all she'll do is fight it. Im kinda the same in that regard, if someone forces me or puts pressure on me to do something just to be awkward I dont do it. Maybe shes the same, my mother too is like this. Im not quite sure what will work to be honest. Is she also seeing a therapist like yourself?

 

[spaz]

She needs serious help- she should see a psychiatrist asap and start medication. There are many that treat OCD successfully. And it does sound very much like OCD- a common form is hoarding things, even if it is rubbish etc.
However, you may have to leave her and take your daughter with you for a while. This might be be what is needed to get her to go to see a doctor.

 

[Lexmark]

If you got out now it would still be to late
Run!!!!

 

[NatRad]

shes been seeing drs, therapists, medication for years now.

they changed her medication a few weeks ago from aropax to a livox i think she said, some ocd specific medication.

i just have no control of her what so ever, its not the not doing any thing that worrys me, it smakign the god awfull mess constantly.

 

[Satine]

Well, it sounds like you've done the best you can by yourself. Look, I'm not trying to be insensitive when I suggest this, but is it worth getting her sectioned? You've tried doing everything positive you can - doing more than your share of the housework, looking after your daughter, suggesting therapy - everything. You've tried negatives and ultimatums and they didn't work either.

I really think it's time for the professionals to try. Although it doesn't look like there's much positive to get out of this, I do hope you manage, Nat. You have worked hard enough and invested enough love and attention into her that you deserve the best possible outcome.

Best regards,

Satine

 

[Liz17]

^ It maybe a little extreme but I dont see what else you can do. Other then leave but that will not solve your wifes problem or the fact that your child will still be living in it.

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

ocd

This is going to sound harsh but Honestly from reading your post you have done way more than you should. I mean realy you actualy did too much and I cant see what else you can do that you didnt already.

Actualy its time for you to move on. Its beyond time. You did way more than the average person and now its your wifes turn. I know some might say that you need to support your wife but how much are you suppose to do. It is not being mean or harsh its understanding that she needs to also take responsibility too. just my oponion.

 

[NatRad]

I really dont know what to do :-(

 

[NatRad]

i guess i never had the courage to make the final step, but its been made for me now.

 

[Mr isolated]

...................

 

[danjor]

Nat, please update us on your status. I commend you for trying every possible remedy you had that wouldn't break you altogether.

I see that your spiritual and emotional well-being are at stake. Once those are deeply damaged, it is a serious road towards repair. You can support your wife from a distance. I believe separation is key here. I'm thinking of a whale covered with thousands of barnacles in your case. In the beginning, they (the barnacles) don't bother the whale as they consume bits and pieces of him... and he goes about his daily business, just as you do... but as time goes on, the whale starts to become utterly consumed. Although he is doing a service to the barnacles by allowing them to feed off of him, they have now taken over every inch of him... covering his eyes, his breathing hole, his mouth, his fins... he now sees that he has been taken advantage of and taken for granted. All the barnacle knows is that it was ok in the beginning to feed, yes we have multiplied, but it was ok, what has changed? no harm no foul dear whale... Well dear one, there is more harm being done than you bargained for and the barnacles are just doing what they know how to do.

But by God it is time to scrape the barnacles off before they get tougher than cement and bury you alive. Peel her behaviors off of you and separate yourself physically Nat. You can still be there for her in a supportive manner through check-ins, prayer, continual medical interventions etc., but you are not helping her, yourself or your daughter by breathing the same air under the same roof.

This is just my opinion and I am in no way trying to break up a family, if anything I want you to continue to do everything that you can to save it, but not at the expense of your sanity and emotional well-being or that of your daughter.

Also note that sometimes OCD can be coupled with other issues or disorders. She can't use OCD as an excuse for every action. Soon it becomes a continual excuse for intentional bad behavior.

Do what your heart of heart deems right. She needs to literally see what she is in. Your playing the savior role will only continue to perpetuate her poor behavior and give rise to continual OCD episodes. Something is obviously triggering her and you won't be able to really see it until you remove yourself.

You are a good man, this I feel to be true. Just believe it yourself. You are not failing, you are aiming to win.

 

[Noca]

Your wife needs an intervention.

 

[NatRad]

gosh, that whale story is a good analygy and your right about that.

i replied to this thread as it sone of the first posts i put on here, almost 2 years ago, this is the update,
http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/its-over-23192/

its not a very nice way to end things. but i was reading over all the things i had posted over the 2 years ive been on here, trying to help, find solutions, ways to help her ocd, and a support group, and each post, just tells me more an dmore, how unwell she was, maybe i was encourgaging her behavior by being a slave and doing things, but now sh emust walk the path alone, with out me.

but anybody intrested in my sad story, do a search under my name for all posts started by me, have a read in order of appearance, it tells a sad story..